Your Story

I've noticed that throughout the plot of Hamlet, there is a recurring theme. This theme is the ability for human beings to talk and talk and talk and talk about doing something, but they can never seem to actually accomplish the very thing they set out to do. In Hamlet's and I'm sure Shakespeare's eye humans seem to be creatures of inaction. During one of his soliloquies, Hamlet speaks about God granting us the ability to reason but we spend most of the time reasoning and thinking about the situation that we don't act on it. He speaks about this in at least three speeches during the play. As I was reading the play this weekend and thinking about this, I noticed a connection between the crux of Hamlet and reality.

Humans are creatures of habit, that's an inarguable fact. Many prefer to do some of the same things over and over again rather than experience the world anew. Now I originally thought that this applied to the day to day mediocre things such as the morning wake up routine, or the drive to work; things that seemed like a blip on the grand scheme of things. Recently I discovered that's not the case. If we each wrote a story on the day to day things that we see and the recurring actions in our life then many of us would be similar to Hamlet. I want to write a story to demonstrate this, using animals.

Let's start with the praying mantis. They look sweet and cute on the outside, blending into what is around them. Their prey doesn't even see them coming, unless of course they have had years of experience around them. The mantis stalks their prey, playing with it, making it believe it is safe. Just when the hunted feels safe around the mantis, it strikes! Lashing out with its sharp legs, the mantis strikes where it hurts. After a few blows, the prey then has to give into death or run away. If it is able to get away it can reestablish its home, its health, and everything else the mantis took from them. If not, the blood slowly oozes out of the dying insect and soon nothing is left.

Next we can analyze the rabbit. Rabbits like to be in open spaces and around other of their kind. They are braver and are more playful while others are around. While they enjoy doing what they love, they hide a lot of themselves from others so as not to ruin their reputation. They like to move around frequently to keep their entertainment but if faced with a situation that scares or angers them they run as fast as they can but are sprinters at the very best. Distance is not their friend but speed is. They can definitely be a problem but are great to have around.

These stories are just examples. I wonder what everyone would write about themselves; the Hamlety action they experience again and again whether they want to change it or not. I know what my story would be, what's yours?

The Writing Bible

Think me crazy, but I have stories in my head. Three to four months at the least and fifty years at the most of moments of people's lives thrive in my thoughts on a daily basis. I can see different worlds, different lives, and very similar characters, witch for some reason have chosen to live through me. Some would consider it a curse having these things constantly nagging at your attention. A few people might envy me and wish to hear these voices in their head so they wouldn't be as lonely. I have lived with both of these opinions, but another seems to live above the rest.

I am unique. That is why these stories are in my head. I don't know how other people are, I've only lived as me. If I want to feel a part of something, I will tell myself that I am of a select race of people that were chosen to write stories for a living, or for a hobby, or to save their life, or to get the voices out of their head. If I want to feel alone and special, I will tell myself that no one in their wildest dreams could write the stories I have playing in my head. Then I will replay all the memories where someone praises me for my writing, and raise my chin, sit in smugness and relish in the thought that no one is as good as me. Then come the bad days. The days where I feel trapped in a loud screamo concert I didn't want to attend in the first play. The days I shoot at my self-esteem with a revolver loaded with hurtful truths aimed to kill.

Writing is...It just is for me. The other night I sat down and wrote exactly ten pages. I have my moods and times when that happens. I write with a thunder never seen before. Three days later I am doing something else. My style of writing is a sprinter in a cross country race. It may be really good in the first leg, but it won't reach the end. I'm hoping to change that.

As much as I do not want to be in debt when I'm older, or get breast cancer in my 40's, I don't want to be one of those people that say they are going to write, and write fabulous books but ends up with a lot of journals and nothing published. I don't want to be Susie's mom in Rugrats: All Grown Up looking back at a record nostalgically and wishing she would have continued her career as an R&B singer. I want to publish stories, and have them heard from people around the country or maybe even the world. Recognition is always welcome, but getting them out is my priority.

That has always been a struggle of mine, getting a story out on paper; and it's not a quiet problem either. I tell my parents, my best writing friend and almost anyone I trust with my writing secrets. Recently I have been reading a book by Stephen King called On Writing. In it he guides the audience through different ways to improve their own writing. I haven't quite figured out if it' helpful yet, but it really is a good read. If you are interested in writing at all then I advise you to check it out. Hopefully it will help you, and hopefully it will even help me.

Providing for a Better Tomorrow-Today

The fall break occurred in the nick of time. Everybody was worn out, and we all needed some time to ourselves. As always, when breaks happen I plan every moment of my time so I can accomplish everything I had planned. During the break, I only went out once, to the movies with a friend. Another time I went to study for my Calculus test with a group of friends to better understand what I was supposed to be doing. The rest of my break was spent doing the things that needed to be done: homework, the revealing of a truth, and planning for my future. These are all modest ventures for a person of my past to achieve in a week; and yet I was able to accomplish every single one of these.

As far as homework goes each night I worked on something. Tuesday was full of government. Wednesday was my going out day as well as additional items that had to be taken care of. Thursday was more government and the start of my EMT obligations. Friday was all about Calculus. Saturday was another day of fun. Sunday I completed the rest of my homework. By the end of the week, I had completed everything that was due the very next day.

The truth that needed to be revealed was something that I had personally wrestled with for a while. I always seem to put myself in that position and as many times as I've had to get out of it one would think that I am well practiced in the art. Unfortunately for me, each and every time I find myself in that position it is still terrifying; but I keep doing it. By the end of the week, I had told the truth.

Planning for my future, although occurring last in this list was at the forefront of my mind last weekend. I attended a Fall Preview at UNR. It was awe-inspiring. I don't want to say I fell in love with the school, but perhaps that may happen after we date awhile. The possible futures that I could live all seemed so tangible in that space. I could be anyone, and achieve anything. I'm really hoping to see how this relationship grows and fosters. I wonder if it will, or if I will have to spend my nights crying because of rejection.

So My-Prompt-Assigning-English-Teacher, that is how I spent my fall break.

The Ups and Downs of A Monday

Today my day has been like a roller coaster. 

I was happy with the outfit I had picked out. 

It made me angry that this jerk stopped traffic, when in reality he had every right to. 

I was happy that I actually got to school earlier than I had before. 

It made me a tad bit angry that something was moved forward a day. 

I was happy that we got to play with equipment during EMT. 

It upset me that I couldn't stop at a park and just enjoy myself. 

I was happy that I got to watch exciting shows on tv. 

I was angry that I watched tv and didn't get any type of homework done. 

I was happy because I received a invitation to a medical conference in Washington D.C. in February. 

So as I mentioned earlier, my day has been full of ups and downs. I went back and forth, but after my invitation the night took a bad turn. 

During  my youth group planning meeting, the five of us bonded as a group. We learned a lot about each other. Unfortunately the topic that enabled us to grow was one focused around sex. Now for those of you that know me, this topic is not something I am firmly knowledgable of. I don't mind to sit back and enjoy the fresh perspective I'm getting from my friends. In fact the stories they told me opened my eyes and enabled me to learn something. It was fun for awhile to imagine the possibilities, but soon enough the fantasy wasn't enough. I didn't necessarily want to take part in their conversation, a small part of me did so I didn't seem like the good little Catholic girl of which society isn't too fond of, but I wanted to have the chance to participate. In other words I wanted to have experienced the things they had so I didn't feel so traditionalist and old school. Being an abstinent Catholic isn't so "cool" in today's society. At times I'm happy I've remained set in my ways because I can brag about it, and it appeals to my snobbish personality. During others, I've wanted desperately to "fit in" so I wouldn't be talked to like an ignorant animal. But sex isn't the only conversation I feel ignorant in. 

Dating has never been my forte. I have been interested in many guys, and many guys have been interested in me, but officially I've only had one boyfriend. It was eighth grade, we went on one date, he walked me home after school, we dated for about three months, and then he broke up with me over a voicemail. This is as much relationship experience. Now I've made out with a few guys, but that's as far as I've gone. I want to experience the kind of love you get from giving someone your heart while im YOUNG.

 I made a New Years Resolution to have a boyfriend before the end of the year. Now I know it's a bit silly, but I figured there was a way to fix my eternal single status. I figured that if I tightened down my so called flirting, and focused on a few guys then soon I would have someone to give a piece of my heart to. So far that hasn't worked. A few of my guy friends ask why I haven't dated anyone. I usually tell them that no one has asked me out, but that's not true. There are many reasons: I usually find something wrong with each guy, I attract the people that need help and are not my type, I'm afraid to step forward in a relationship, I'm a bit traditionalist, I have insecurity issues, I "flirt" with a lot of guys and the ones I really like can't tell, I have a natural talent for filling my life up with useless things, I have commitment problems (relationship ADHD), and the list goes on... I'm sure you could think of many reasons why I have not have a boyfriend since eighth grade, but the simple fact is: I AM STILL single. Now there have been plenty of opportunities for me to change that status, but I have not taken them. 

It's not your problem to find me someone. In fact I'm almost absolutely sure no one reads my blog anyway so no one will ever know about this. I could even write people's names in this I'm that sure that it will not add to, be detrimental, or affect your life in any way. 

Someone once told me I was emotionally unavailable. Well my emotions are laid out unread on this world wide website, and if someone I trusted asked me I would tell them. So how's that for emotionally unavailable?

The Focusing Forte

I'm going to spoil some of Hamlet today, so if you wish to read the book without any prior knowledge than please skip this post and the penultimate post. In Act 1 Scene 5, Hamlet learned from his father's ghost that he was murdered by his uncle. With this knowledge, and the request to get revenge on behalf of his father, Hamlet wipes everything but this one desire from his mind; he focuses on one action.

I've heard this expression in many books and TV shows, and yet am not sure it is possible. I have so many things going on that it's hard to focus on the here and now. In my EMT class today, I zoned out so many times that I lost count.

I have an event for my CAPSTONE coming up on Friday, and there are so many preparations for that. Then, tomorrow I was thrown another event that I had no idea about until this morning, again with additional preparation. Then I've got college stuff to worry about, scholarships, having a social life and the homework of my senior year. I'm not stressed to the point of breaking, but I'm stressed enough that I can feel it slightly in my muscles. The good kind of stress that is going to make me focus and get things done.

Even if wiping all things from your mind for one goal is possible, I'm not sure that it's the best choice for me. Of course it is sometimes annoying, but I can now see my math tutor's point. Having a lot of things to do is exhilarating and you begin to stress if you don't have things to do, after being used to it for so long.

Kudos if it works for Hamlet, but for this character it doesn't seem to be in plot.