The Ups and Downs of A Monday

Today my day has been like a roller coaster. 

I was happy with the outfit I had picked out. 

It made me angry that this jerk stopped traffic, when in reality he had every right to. 

I was happy that I actually got to school earlier than I had before. 

It made me a tad bit angry that something was moved forward a day. 

I was happy that we got to play with equipment during EMT. 

It upset me that I couldn't stop at a park and just enjoy myself. 

I was happy that I got to watch exciting shows on tv. 

I was angry that I watched tv and didn't get any type of homework done. 

I was happy because I received a invitation to a medical conference in Washington D.C. in February. 

So as I mentioned earlier, my day has been full of ups and downs. I went back and forth, but after my invitation the night took a bad turn. 

During  my youth group planning meeting, the five of us bonded as a group. We learned a lot about each other. Unfortunately the topic that enabled us to grow was one focused around sex. Now for those of you that know me, this topic is not something I am firmly knowledgable of. I don't mind to sit back and enjoy the fresh perspective I'm getting from my friends. In fact the stories they told me opened my eyes and enabled me to learn something. It was fun for awhile to imagine the possibilities, but soon enough the fantasy wasn't enough. I didn't necessarily want to take part in their conversation, a small part of me did so I didn't seem like the good little Catholic girl of which society isn't too fond of, but I wanted to have the chance to participate. In other words I wanted to have experienced the things they had so I didn't feel so traditionalist and old school. Being an abstinent Catholic isn't so "cool" in today's society. At times I'm happy I've remained set in my ways because I can brag about it, and it appeals to my snobbish personality. During others, I've wanted desperately to "fit in" so I wouldn't be talked to like an ignorant animal. But sex isn't the only conversation I feel ignorant in. 

Dating has never been my forte. I have been interested in many guys, and many guys have been interested in me, but officially I've only had one boyfriend. It was eighth grade, we went on one date, he walked me home after school, we dated for about three months, and then he broke up with me over a voicemail. This is as much relationship experience. Now I've made out with a few guys, but that's as far as I've gone. I want to experience the kind of love you get from giving someone your heart while im YOUNG.

 I made a New Years Resolution to have a boyfriend before the end of the year. Now I know it's a bit silly, but I figured there was a way to fix my eternal single status. I figured that if I tightened down my so called flirting, and focused on a few guys then soon I would have someone to give a piece of my heart to. So far that hasn't worked. A few of my guy friends ask why I haven't dated anyone. I usually tell them that no one has asked me out, but that's not true. There are many reasons: I usually find something wrong with each guy, I attract the people that need help and are not my type, I'm afraid to step forward in a relationship, I'm a bit traditionalist, I have insecurity issues, I "flirt" with a lot of guys and the ones I really like can't tell, I have a natural talent for filling my life up with useless things, I have commitment problems (relationship ADHD), and the list goes on... I'm sure you could think of many reasons why I have not have a boyfriend since eighth grade, but the simple fact is: I AM STILL single. Now there have been plenty of opportunities for me to change that status, but I have not taken them. 

It's not your problem to find me someone. In fact I'm almost absolutely sure no one reads my blog anyway so no one will ever know about this. I could even write people's names in this I'm that sure that it will not add to, be detrimental, or affect your life in any way. 

Someone once told me I was emotionally unavailable. Well my emotions are laid out unread on this world wide website, and if someone I trusted asked me I would tell them. So how's that for emotionally unavailable?