"Once you settle, you will find true happiness."
I showed it to my mother who scoffed and said, "Well that's obvious." On the surface, I got it. In theory it works, but today I got a sense of the theory put into use.
For the past month I have been swamped or at least emotionally swamped. I had three major tests to pass for AEMT, a job interview, an entrance exam, a strength test, EVOC testing, and a two day course with yet another test to pass. On the church side of things, I had Confirmation coming up and a meeting for the Synod. At home, my house became a reflection of my life: a cluttered floor and lack of energy to do anything. Plus I started writing again. You'll notice of course that college was not mentioned. It was the thing that took a back seat while the rest of my life funneled out of control. A fact it slightly remains as I have no self control and spend my mornings and nights watching tv. It's stupid what has happened recently.
To add to all that, I've been rethinking my life. (Again, not a cry for help.) I've been rethinking my career. From the time I was little I assumed I would be a writer, and although I'm not exactly 'living the dream' I have been writing more, and as Jaycob was telling me, "Anyone can be a writer. I write a paper I'm a writer." Ok, so I'm a writer, but I want to be an author. I want to see my books on the library shelves being enjoyed by other readers who need an escape. Writing has been my escape. When I'm ditching class or work I come to the library, the home of the written and shared word, and write or read (which I've been told is a tool to help you write better). I love it there. It's like a word factory where written words are the preferred method of communication and spoken words are an afterthought. It's my safe haven. Here nobody knows who I am (may be a slight exaggeration), nobody has expectations for me (excluding myself), and I am free to be whatever, and go wherever I want. As much as I love it here I can't stay here forever. I have to return to the world of the AEMT Catholic TA college student that hasn't seen the inside of the office for over two weeks.
I got my job at the district 1. Because I asked for it. and 2. To work 15 hours while I was still in school getting my degree. I don't know how much longer I'll be working there. The truth is my work hasn't met my high expectations, and I don't know what I'm doing for school next year.
This morning as I was getting ready I thought about all of the different directions my life could go. I could be a biology teacher ( I always ask the question "Does that make sense?" which sounds like a teachery thing to do and I like the human body. I've been told I am a great lesson planner, and simply people tell me I should be a teacher.) , I could be a schedule planner or assistant (I like taking administrative orders from people. I like feeling needed, and I'm a good schedule planner.) , or I could be an AEMT forever. In all seriousness I don't see myself being a good teacher, I'm too much of a people pleaser. A schedule planner is almost a good fit, until you realize I'd be late to everything. I like helping people as an AEMT, but I can't see myself in this career forever. I felt lost this morning. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be an author anymore. That's when the 3 cm x 1 cm fortune cookie hit me. I don't need to keep changing my mind. If I settle, I'll be happy.
For those of you who know me, you know I'm not good at the settling thing. I moved from academy to academy dubbing myself the academy slut. My interest in guys went all over the place, and I never really had an all too serious relationship with the guys I liked. (Not being bitter, just stating a fact.) During get togethers I moved from group to group always finding a way to entertain myself. Looking back now, I think it would've been better to just stay put. That's what I'm going to try in my career too.
I want to be an author. That hasn't changed. I want to help people and I like driving. Perfect job as an AEMT. That's still the same. What has changed is my thinking. I'm not going to worry about my future. It's just going to stress me out. I'm going to take three months and write while I save lives. If I like it I'll stay. If I don't, well in three months I'll reevaluate then and get back to you. The theme of the day is settle because when your not bustling around going with the flow of the wind, you can turn this:
Into this:
Which is really want I want after all.
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