Death

       I was really lucky to watch the new Avenger's movie this weekend with some great friends. I won't spoil it for all of you that haven't seen it. I'll just mention that at a point in the movie I felt a terrifying sense that my own death is possible. It seems silly at this age to think of death. In your twenties the general idea is people will make stupid decision and do stupid things that they can tell their kids about before they shuffle off this mortal coil; yet I can't help but face death.
       In that moment, I wondered what we are doing here. I grew up Catholic and the religious answer is simply: To Know God, To Love God, and To Serve God. That makes sense I guess but I don't want to spend my whole life dedicated to this idea. I want to do stupid things, make bad decisions and live. I can't help but think that way as a result of the current culture. But what happens after? Ok, so you've made all your stupid choices, your dumb mistakes and lived. What now?
       Death is a real thing and its freaking scary. One day that will be all of us. We will no longer be here. In that moment I wanted to run to the nearest nunnery and spend the rest of my life tucked in a tight little corner of the world praying for a great eternity. At this point in my life I still have unanswered questions about God, yet I wanted the security of knowing something was out there for me. I'm not going to lie, I think about death and I'm terrified. I don't want to die young, in pain, before I've accomplished anything, or at all. But I guess that's the one certain thing in life: death.

*Please note that this is not a cry for help. I am not suicidal. Suicide is a horrible way to go, and I have absolutely not even considered it. This is a post about my quandaries with death itself. So for those of you who wish to comment or talk to me and tell me that your there for me, thank you for your support but save it for a time or person who really needs it. This is not one of those times.