Should I Have Said Something?

When I like someone I start off slow, pick up the gradual speed and intensity and then decide I don't like them and slowly back away with an additional feeling of disappointment mixed in. The same is true for a few of the guys I've liked recently. 

I was all ready to date a guy I liked 3 months ago; I could imagine how we would spend the weekends and how we would show each other off to our friends. Then as the months passed, my liking grew until I found any reason to spend time with him. The more time I spent with him the more I wanted to spend more and more time with him. Then we had a moment. It was a grand moment that I can add to my "first time this has happened" list. It was awesome. The more I thought about it, the more I smiled. But I backed away a little so he would know that I am not clingy. Apparently that enabled someone to step into my shoes. 

As I stepped out, she stepped in. One of my closest friends took my place which never may have been mine in the first place. She was beautiful and thin and it was easy to see why any guy would fall for her, but she had a boyfriend! Seriously not ok no matter where you stand. It irked me the wrong way when I saw them together. She asked how I felt, and I lied in hopes that she wouldn't think badly of me. 

Because of my omission it seemed that he wanted to hang out with her more and more with her. I had liked him in the first place and now he couldn't keep his hands off of her. It crushed everything that I had put into what we had. As it continued on they hung out more and more and I left because I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to tell her how I felt or him for that matter. 

Should I have told her? 

Should I have told him?

Everyone told me to tell a guy when I liked him but it never seemed opportune and I didn't want to ruin what was there. Probably nothing. He still doesn't know that I liked him. They still hang out a lot. It still hurts me. I'm still single.

Confessions from an avid chick flick watcher.

The Vindication of Woman

Women's rights. Women's rights. Women's rights. A Vindication of the Rights of Women is an article of opinion by Mary Wollstonecraft regarding women's rights. By taking U.S. History last year, and the people I surrounded myself with, I just became fed up with women's rights. I am that paradoxal person. I want guys to hold open doors for me, I want to be able to vote, I want to be helped up when I am knocked down, I want to be able to defend myself, the list goes on and on. When things like this come up it is just easier to accept the paradox than to try to fix it and make it fair. Women's rights have been at the forefront of many people's minds for a very long time. There is tradition woven between strips of modern views that just makes sense. I'm not sure that its worth changing anything. When Mary Wollstonecraft was alive there were many things that needed to be done. Women were "owned" by their husbands, and weren't really involved in their own lives. (It's late, I don't care, be happy it might make sense.) Now most of those things have been accomplished, let's move onto more pressing issues. Sleep. I like sleep. I'm going to get some.
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In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.
Oh weem o wap.
Oh weem o wap.
Oh weem o wap.
Oh weem o wap.
Oh weem o wap.
Oh weem o wap.
Oh weem o wap.
Oh weem o wap.

The Rape of the Lock

We had to read the Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope for homework. It was a weird story. It started off about this girl at a party and then described the party, and then described this guy who was going to cut her hair, then the process of getting up the courage to cut her hair. 18th century poetry is not my favorite. I think I could appreciate the humor in the story but its just really strange. There are little sprites trying to protect her from getting her hair cut, and they don't do a good job because it happens anyway. Then the girl begs for her hair back. Ok, Mr. Pope, most girls are happy to get their hair cut and don't want the dead ends back after its not attached.

I've heard somewhere that this is similar to Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal." In my opinion, Swifts was more interesting. I could feel this way because Swift used language I was used to and could easily understand. Pope on the other hand may have appealed to his audience but not to me.

Curls running down a girl's back are cute no matter whom you are. Why someone wanted to cut it off is beyond me. Couldn't he just get her carriage number like another person rather than being all weird about it?

That's the thing about satire. It is an inside joke that is hilarious if you understand it. If you however remain outside while the joke is being told it is a club that won't let you in. LAME. IRRITATING. CONFUSING.

Paradise Lost

An excerpt from Paradise Lost was given to us to read over the weekend. It was actually fairly interesting. Written during the Renaisance, it's a story about the Fall of Satan. For me it was fairly easy to read.

Most of you know that I am Catholic. I think that because of my religious past it was easier for me to understand than Hamlet. This is a place I've been immersed in since I was a baby; his is like home to me. 

I really liked reading and analyzing this piece of work. It had the academic rigor that Mr. Burge likes but it also had the familiarity that I yearn for. 

One of my favorite questions regarding this passage considered the status of Satan as a hero figure. Was he or wasn't he? Going against everything my faith and the world has taught me I decided that he could be a hero figure. 

Hero figures don't falter when oppressed, fight for what they believe in and are ambitious; in the passage, Satan had done all 3. People are going to argue against me, but I don't care. This question opened my eyes to the possibility that something like this could happen. God may not be happy with me and I should probably feel bad, but I feel bad enough already. I'm so done with caring today. If only everybody knew, oh but I wouldn't want that.

Satan could have felt oppressed, but at least he did something. I'm sitting here festering and gathering hate while I could be doing something. But that's the kind of person I am. The do nothing kind. I used to wonder if Satan and I were similar. I guess not in that respect.

My Life Plan

Why do I do what I do? Is it supposed to be this way? Am I fooling myself? I've spent many days trying to figure out the answers to these questions. Maybe I finally have.

Throughout my life it has seemed that I am the "jack of all trades, master of none" kind of person. I'm good at many things but there is not ONE specific thing that is mine or so I thought. 

What if writing is the answer? It fits pretty dang close to my personality. I can jump around from topic to topic doing whatever I want and learning about anything that I want. My mom says I need to find a career that will give me the life I want to live, meaning a career that is financially stable. Ok mom, I'll go to nursing school to help me pay for all the fun things I want to do, but I'll live my passion to write.

I want to tell stories. It seems to be the only thing I'm good at. I'm not good at speaking the stories but I've been told that my written ones aren't too bad. I'm tired of complaining, I'm tired of everything. I am in no mood for anything today.

People say they have never seen me angry, well now is your chance. It doesn't show up often so enjoy it while it's here. Maybe some of you will understand why I am not the happiest person today but there is only one person who is going to know the real truth.

So Intense!

Every year my family gets together to celebrate my mom and her sisters birthdays. They are three days and about twelve years apart. Its always a fun time. We have cake, and a big dinner with the whole family. Personally, I wouldn't want to share my birthday with anyone, but they seem not to mind. Anyway this meeting is a gathering of family where we can gather and talk and catch up. Today my mom took on the case of persecuting my cousin for all the bad decisions she's made in life. She didn't graduate high school, she took forever to get a job, she stayed with a loser boyfriend and got pregnant with his kid, she's accident prone, smoked for awhile and had a drinking problem. As I sat and watched her jump all over my cousin's life I couldn't help but get angry. I know people, a lot of good people who did some of the things she has done. They are still good people. In fact it's kind of interesting to hear of people who jump out of that. But seriously, stop playing the "I'm the good seed card." You screwed up too you know. Making someone feel bad about their life just because it isn't what you think it should be is bs. I know I've done it but I don't care, I'm blogging about you right now. Give it a break. Just stop.

Hamlet Act 4 Analysis

Act 4, Scene 4 is the time that Fortinbras is brought back into the play. At this time, he and his men are marching to Poland to fight for a piece of land that is worth near-nothing. During their passing through Denmark, Hamlet meets a Captain from the outfit and learns of their plans. He reacts to this by speaking in a soliloquy about action and inaction.

                The central idea of this passage considers the different sides of the coin of action. There are those that act, and contradicting them, those that talk about acting and yet do nothing. This contrast is very important to the play as well as the deeper meaning of the soliloquy itself.

                Shakespeare illustrates this contrast, by the characters Fortinbras and Hamlet. Fortinbras, leading his army to fight for land without use represents the side of action. He is leading 20,000 of his own men to their deaths for an “illusion of honor.” If they win the battle, it really will not help his kingdom. Hamlet on the other hand  is the embodiment of inaction. His father’s ghost has asked him to avenge his father’s murder but the murderer lives on. Hamlet has had ample opportunities to kill his father’s murderer and yet has found something to stop him each and every time. Every so often Hamlet claims that he will not stop until his deed is complete; the deed remains unfinished.

                Another contrast noted in this soliloquy is between beast and man. Hamlet compares the two by stating that beasts eat and sleep, whereas men have the ability to reason and act upon that reasoning.  If a man doesn’t act then it is implied by Shakespeare through Hamlet that he is nothing more than a beast. This comparison is a cry for action.

                The contrast between inaction and action has been a common problem throughout history. As stated earlier, there are two types of people in the world and these people have lived on through generations. In this soliloquy, Hamlet is discussing a problem prominent in today’s society. The question is not, to be or not to be; it is to act or not to act.

Act 3 Hamlet Analysis

There is a dark place people mentally go when they are sad or upset; a place full of the deepest and darkest thoughts that exist within us. Hamlet spends many days in this place. His father has just died a few months ago, and his mother remarried to an unwanted relative. This would be a situation to make anyone upset. Hamlet works through a part of his troubles by considering suicide in one of the most famous soliloquys of the play Hamlet. Shakespeare utilizes Hamlet’s woes to create a powerful speech about suicide without explicitly stating not to do it.

Shakespeare attacks the issue of suicide in different parts of the speech. In the first thirteen lines, he describes why suicide is an easy option. He used imagery such as “sea of troubles” and “mortal coil” which can provide a reference point thus making it clearer to a person attempting to understand the speech.  He also used soft language with a pleasant connotation as in the word dream which in turn can imply that suicide is an easy, pleasant experience.

The following twelve lines tackle the subject of who would commit suicide. This is shown by using rhetorical questions to prove a point. “Who would fardels bear…” No one wants to bear burdens during their lifetime but Shakespeare asks this to demonstrate the point. He also uses expletives in the questions: “a proud man’s contumately, the pangs of despised love…” These attributes detail possible attributes a person would have if they committed suicide.

The last eight lines touch on why we shouldn’t commit suicide. These lines discuss human nature. By calling humans cowardly, Shakespeare alludes to the idea that humans reject change. They would like to act, but think on it and think on it until what they had planned to do, becomes a distant memory.

The issue of suicide is still relevant today. People are taught at a young age not to commit suicide, and how to help others with it. This speech is effective because it not only has several themes and literary devices but it focused on a subject that was relevant to the time period, and is relevant in modern society. Suicide is a problem we faced yesterday, today and possibly tomorrow.

 

Act 1 Hamlet Analysis

Family is a community built on common relations such as blood or last names. Meant to support and comfort, they aid during times of trouble. There is a strong connection between family members, even more so than that of friends or other relationships on this earth. Even though family is thought to be loving and compassionate, the lust for power is stronger than family ties. This central idea can be clearly seen through William Shakespeare’s play Hamlet, especially in the pages of Act 1 Scene 5.

A brotherly bond is one of the strongest connections two people can have. Brothers are your first friends, playmates, counselors, and murderers, or at least in the case of King Hamlet. “The serpent that did sting thy father’s life now wears his crown.” This is revealed in Act 1, Scene 5 by Old Hamlet’s ghost to his son. Claudius, the new King of Denmark, and Old Hamlet’s brother, killed Hamlet’s father to become King. Although this connection can be clearly seen, another occurs during the same scene.

Gertrude, the Queen of Denmark was married to Old Hamlet, and yet within a month of her loving husband’s death married Claudius, his brother. “…the bed of Denmark be a couch for luxury and damned incest.” The connection between husband and wife is very strong as they essentially become one. Her actions demonstrate that her lust to have a king and ultimately more power was stronger than whatever she had with Old Hamlet.

Hamlet, the character for whom the play is named also exemplifies the theme. “…the thoughts of love may sweep to my revenge.” He will avenge his father by killing his uncle/dad. This action will also make him King thus giving him power. Nothing else will be on his mind as he focuses on his mission: to kill his uncle.

The actions of these characters demonstrate that family is put aside when power is concerned. Ambition supersedes love.

Things I Shouldn't Say

Today was going to be a bad day. I had close to none of the homework I needed to have done, and there was no excuse for it. Last night I planned to wake up once each hour so I could accomplish my goal. That worked once and only for twenty minutes. Then I coughed and frightened that I would wake my mother up I ran back to my bed with a cup of water.

Waking up,  I was disappointed in the fact that I had not accomplished my goal but got ready nonetheless. Luckily I didn't need to take my sister to school so that was a plus.

I arrived at school early, and actually got some more homework done; things just seemed to get better from there. In fifth period, I didn't have to present the presentation I hadn't prepared. In sixth, we didn't get any homework. Finally in seventh, I turned in a part of my due assignment and did it better than people that had turned it in before me.

I don't know about you, but when things go from bad to good, it really reaffirms my belief in God. This reminds me of my first day at AACT, even before I had gotten accepted. That is a story for another time but I just love the way things work out sometimes. Someone’s watching over me and I may not always thank him or think about it but I will say it now: Thank you God.

The Nitty Gritty

Many people have referred to me as unpredictable. One minute I'm focused and goal oriented and the next I'm goofing around worried about absolutely nothing. I've also noticed this about myself. I seem to do the opposite of what is socially expected. If you expect me to be serious I want nothing more than to be funny, and if there is room to be funny I can be snobbish. I'm not sure why this is, but I have a theory.

When I was eight years old my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now being as young as I was, my mom didn't tell me what was wrong or try to explain what cancer was. She just told me and my 4 year old sister that she was sick and it would be different from any other sickness she had dealt with. Even from my perspective it was. 

My mom was always tired. She would come home from a day at work and go straight to bed. She was weaker than I remember and my sister and I got away with more and more. Our neat family room turned into an island of toys without my mother's organized eye. My mom's curly blonde hair fell to the floor in front of my eyes one day as my dad shaved it off. She always said she didn't want us to be surprised to find her without hair one day. Wigs took the place of her once white blonde hair. She went down to part time jobs for flexibility with her many doctor's appointments. This wasn't the mom I had grown up with, but as the months went on it seemed to be the mom I would get. 

Luckily my mom survived the cancer coming back from a Stage 3 tumor in her left breast to a cancer free life. But as her cancer status changed, so did the family roles in our house. 

I as the oldest daughter learned to handle more and more responsibility. From doing chores to getting 7-up for my mom, I took over a few of my mom's past jobs. My dad took over most of them and not only did he do the majority of the chores but he also worked a full time job. Life didn't change much for my sister as she was still too young to understand the little that I did. Our house became revolved around my mom and making sure that he was alright. 

Some moms take out the garbage, or pack a trailer, or carry heavy items. For awhile mine couldn't and so I had to learn to keep our house running. I didn't do it because it was polite but because I was taught to in order to help our family. 

At age eight I saw what my mom was going through, and up until that point I had tried to be like her. She was a great mom and I loved her, but something inside me changed when my mom got sick. 

Personally I think my little brain connected my mom's personality to her getting cancer. If she was different maybe that wouldn't have happened... As I know now personality doesn't affect things like that, but at that age  I didn't. 

Every day my mom was in pain. Either from the surgeries or the chemotherapy, pain was common around our house. I didn't want to experience that. I didn't want to be in pain like her, and so I decided that in order to prevent that I would have to not be like her. 

Yes. At age eight I attempted to rebuild my personality. I latched onto my dad and learned to be like him. I talked like him, ate like him, and acted like him. Nowadays people say that I look like my mother and act like my dad; they think it's funny, and I think it was a defense mechanism. 

My mom and dad are similar but different. I do act a lot like my dad but there are moments when parts of my mom can be seen in me. This is why I think I act the way I do. It all started because I didn't want to get cancer. 

Human Contact

Recently I was talking to a friend about hugging a dead body. Now, we had just read Hamlet Act 5, Scene 2 where Laertes grabs the body of Ophelia in her grave and holds her close. We both agreed that holding someone after they were dead was strange. After I thought about it awhile I realized that I still agreed with that earlier statement but I remembered that when someone I knew died I wanted nothing more than to be held.

His name was Dan Gardner. My sister and I called him Uncle Dan, even though he wasn't related to us at all. Uncle Dan had gone to high school with my dad, and years later they worked together at UPS. He was very religious and encouraged my family and me to attend mass more regularly. Church was more fun with him there. He was one of my role models. I have so many fond memories of him, too much for one blog post, but for a quick summary he was very important to me. When it came time for me to choose a person to sponsor me for my Confirmation, there was no competition. There was no telling the kind of person I would turn into with his help. 

That was all cut short on October 20th, 2011. Uncle Dan, a fairly healthy person, had gone into an ulcer removing surgery. I'm not clear on the details but I do remember that he bled out and died in the hospital.

I was in first period when my mom and aunt came to get me. This never happened. When I saw them, my mom looked like she had been crying and my aunt was wearing sunglasses inside. That car ride was full of many tears. My mom explained what had happened to Uncle Dan earlier that morning. Although I tried my best to be strong I eventually broke. Tears poured down my face as I told my mother that the only thing I wanted was my Uncle Dan back. We all knew it wasn't going to happen. 

At the end of the car ride I got my first embrace. Walking inside my house I immediately searched for my father. Once found, we grabbed onto each other tightly. That was the first time I had seen my dad cry. 

Soon we each busied ourselves with anything. My mom began to make comfort food. My dad called people. And I, I looked up sad songs on YouTube trying to elongate the grief I was feeling. I tried to stay glued to my computer so I wouldn't have to face the world with a face full of tears. I was used to being the impenetrable one which nothing fazed. This had hit me like nothing before. It was something I wasn't used to and needed to figure out how to act. My mom kept interrupting my strategical planning by random tasks she asked me to do. 

On the way back from one of the random tasks I got my second embrace. A friend of my dad and Dan had come to the house and he asked me how I felt. I didn't say much. In absence of my words, also something that doesn't happen often, he spoke. He said that the first time someone close to you died, it was really difficult. I nodded because it was. 

The next day I was given the option to go to school or not. I chose to go because I wanted to explain what had happened to my friends, and I was trying to be strong and unfazed.

 At lunch I told my main group what had happened. My voice cracked a few times but no tears escaped. It seemed easier to tell them as a group. Towards the end of lunch I spent some time with a distant friend and as I relayed the story again to this single person the tears began to come. I didn't understand why this was different, but the tears were really coming now. As if seeing my sadness, another friend came up to me. That was when I received my third embrace. 

The friend hugging me held me tight as I cried into his shirt. I felt bad for crying on him, but I also felt so good that I didn't want to let go. In fact someone politely told me that class was starting and I replied with a tear-filled "I don't care!" My friend held me for a few more seconds and then encouraged me to go to class. 

This last embrace will stay in my mind for as long as I live. I have never forgotten how I felt as he held me. The simple act of comforting made me feel as if I had someone who cared about me. Now I wasn't particularly close to this friend, but this quick period of comforting made me realize just how important human contact can be to someone. I think in this respect I can understand Laertes and maybe now you can too. 

You Know What I Mean...<3

How does a person begin to like someone? Is it a conscious thought brought upon from an initial attraction however small it could be? Is it the amount of time one person spends with another and thus leads one to like another? I don't understand how it works.

He likes she and she likes his and his likes her and her likes he. If things continue to move in this direction then it is a wonder how any one gets together, how like can turn to love and love turn to a commitment and commitment to a child is beyond me. No one will be completely happy with this love square. There is no way to please everyone. 

I don't like you. You are mean and rude to people. You have a pessimistic view on the world and I don't. We are opposites in all ways but two maybe three. I tried to help you, I tried to welcome you into the world of society, and I tried to be a good person. You took it too far. Now I can barely stand to look at you, but I'm sure that you don't know that. About as smart as you are about finances I am about socializing, and vice versa. You are really starting to bother me. Can we be friends? Perhaps. But the real question is: should we? 

I like you. You like to work with cars, your brain is for advanced level math, and you like to argue with me. I've grown up with people like you, in fact most everybody in my family works around cars. I know how to talk to you. It's like second nature to me. You are so smart. Every time we talk about your intelligence you deny it. Is it because you are being humble, or do you not truly understand how smart you are? If you could see yourself in my eyes, you would probably never doubt yourself again. As it is now, I hardly doubt you. One of the only times I do doubt you is when we disagree. We disagree over the dumbest things sometimes and we are both so stubborn it can be annoying. And yet I like our arguments. You can have a conversation with a person! From my extensive "experience" I've learned that holding a conversation is very important to me. Sometimes you struggle, but at least you try. Effort is also important to me. 

As anyone can see, my love shape doesn't look like that. Regarding these two it is similar to an hourglass, them being the sides and I the point in the middle. From my vantage point I can see the good and bad in both of them. Will I get closer to one of them and change my love shape yet again? I believe that is a story for another blog post.