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| Signatures & CTE Thank You Gift
The people in this office have changed my life and I want to thank them for everything they have done for me and my fellow classmates.
*Additional picture coming up in an another post.
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Sunday, August 23, 2015
Post 82: Project Reveal!
Hello everyone! I've been working on a little art project that I'm really proud of.
Post 81: What I Want
Tonight I am dealing with a decision. I want to change Griffin and Audrey's story or what I have so far because it is not the way I wanted it to come out. I want my characters to be strong and not whiny. I want them to have real life to deal with and not this three month vacation I've put them on. Audrey is a strong girl because of her secret past. Griffin is strong because his father taught him to be but in this story he will learn if he truly is strong. I'm concerned because I don't know where they should meet or how life is going to throw them together. I'm also afraid because I don't know if I'm talented enough to get a book published. But tonight is not about fear. It is about decisions. I have recently decided to stop being afraid. When I realize I'm afraid of something, I'm going to write it down on a post it and rip it up. It seems silly, but I want to stop being comfortable and afraid.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Post 80: Just An Opening Idea....
The world knew her as Princess Ariella of the royal family of Peresis. To her tutor she was Your Highness, her mother called her Darling. I called her my best friend. Princess Ari and I were born on the same day nearly ten minutes apart. Unfortunately we came into the world as my mother left, dying from complications of childbirth. This isn't a story of my life growing up without a mother, many people don't have mothers. This story is about how I gave up my life for my best friend. It's important that I talk about the past because if it wasn't for the past I wouldn't be here. My story started years before I was born.
It's common knowledge for anyone who has studied the history of the seven kingdoms that technology was the destruction of human kind. Once the war was over, humans had to reestablish their presence on the earth. Kingdoms were created dividing the world into smaller lands. The Kingdom of Persis, or last known as the United States of America, became Chancellor over the new world. Persis has a very peaceful history which is largely due to the quality of leaders in the royal family, but additionally their personal guards.
Just an opening idea....
Post 79: Opening for Futuristic Lovestory
I don't want to admit it, but magic is everywhere. It's the one thing that holds all of the chaos of earth together. I didn't believe in magic, hell I didn't believe in a lot of things but I wasn't taught to. I was taught one very simple concept: her life was the most important thing in my world, and I had to do whatever it took to make sure she lived, even if that meant giving my life for hers.
Post 77: Reflection Time
I haven't written in a day. I thought it was three, but it was just one. Surprisingly, I feel depressed. I imagine that if a psychologist were to look at my life, they would worry. In three months I have gone from having a secure future to losing jobs, having absolutely no desire to do the things I have committed to do, and soon I'll lose my best friend. It's kinda pathetic that this is near rock bottom for me. I know I am so much more than this, but I've yet to get out of this rut. I haven't applied to any jobs and sit on my couch noticing how large my legs are getting with an internal desire to get up and do something but an inner voice that 's much louder than my motivation.
I've been doing some research online. And when I say research I mean a fifteen minute search about finding a purpose. I saw some pretty interesting articles. After I was reading them I realized I'm tired of this monotony I'm putting myself through. I'm done letting my fear rule my life. I'm getting a tattoo, I'm traveling on the coast, and I'm writing. That's what I'm spending my life doing, the in-between stuff just won't matter.
I've been doing some research online. And when I say research I mean a fifteen minute search about finding a purpose. I saw some pretty interesting articles. After I was reading them I realized I'm tired of this monotony I'm putting myself through. I'm done letting my fear rule my life. I'm getting a tattoo, I'm traveling on the coast, and I'm writing. That's what I'm spending my life doing, the in-between stuff just won't matter.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Post 76: Free Spirit
I am a free spirit; or so one of my closest friends said yesterday afternoon. I had always viewed myself as a serious person and I thought that was how others would find me. In my mind, free spirits were people to be envied. They were awe inspiring and always did what they wanted. I like that I had been proven wrong. Later that day I realized that I can be both free spirited and serious, it just comes down to choice.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Post 75: 3/4 Mark
I'm very excited about this post. It marks the completion of 3/4 of what I set out to accomplish. I look forward to the 25 remaining posts I am going to complete to reach my goal of 100 posts in 100 days! Originally I considered breaking today into two posts, but as the "master" writer that I am I am going to combine both of the things I need to say into one post. I got my first part done already, now I am going to talk about the dream I had last night.
I really like dreams; especially when I can remember them. Last night my dream encompassed an amusement park. I wasn't sure where I was but it was...a lake! We were driving to a lake and we went to the right side. Eventually we ran up against a fence to our right and met acquaintances. We spoke but nothing of importance. Then as we were leaving we got to an amusement park or another public space that people were walking. The next vivid part of the dream I remember is seeing two faces. One was the thin face of a man who had black facial hair running from the tip of his ear down around his mouth. Then I saw a friend named Brent. The very next thing I felt was a warming embrace. I saw Brent's face before this happened, and felt a guy wrap his arms around me. The PDA wasn't as off putting as I had anticipated. I felt like I belonged to him in the charming and not creepy way. Then he grabbed my hand and we walked out of the place. We met up with his friend and went into this alley where he lived. We were stopped by a law enforcement officer asking us about something we were hiding. We got through unscathed and went into his apartment room. Him and his friend allowed us to grab a granola bar. Then we were off.
We went walking down town. His hand was in mine, and I was smiling. Eventually we made it to a store with never ending shelves. Shampoo and conditioner adorned the shelves and he and I picked out some. Throughout the night it appeared we were running errands for him. I didn't mind. I was just happy to be with him.
I have no idea what this dream means, but it was incredible to participate in it. Do I wish that part of it was founded in truth of what the future holds? Absolutely. I don't know a girl who wouldn't want to feel the way I was feeling in the dream; yet I am not going to obsess or try to find a meaning in it. I'm going to hold onto the memory of the experience itself.
I really like dreams; especially when I can remember them. Last night my dream encompassed an amusement park. I wasn't sure where I was but it was...a lake! We were driving to a lake and we went to the right side. Eventually we ran up against a fence to our right and met acquaintances. We spoke but nothing of importance. Then as we were leaving we got to an amusement park or another public space that people were walking. The next vivid part of the dream I remember is seeing two faces. One was the thin face of a man who had black facial hair running from the tip of his ear down around his mouth. Then I saw a friend named Brent. The very next thing I felt was a warming embrace. I saw Brent's face before this happened, and felt a guy wrap his arms around me. The PDA wasn't as off putting as I had anticipated. I felt like I belonged to him in the charming and not creepy way. Then he grabbed my hand and we walked out of the place. We met up with his friend and went into this alley where he lived. We were stopped by a law enforcement officer asking us about something we were hiding. We got through unscathed and went into his apartment room. Him and his friend allowed us to grab a granola bar. Then we were off.
We went walking down town. His hand was in mine, and I was smiling. Eventually we made it to a store with never ending shelves. Shampoo and conditioner adorned the shelves and he and I picked out some. Throughout the night it appeared we were running errands for him. I didn't mind. I was just happy to be with him.
I have no idea what this dream means, but it was incredible to participate in it. Do I wish that part of it was founded in truth of what the future holds? Absolutely. I don't know a girl who wouldn't want to feel the way I was feeling in the dream; yet I am not going to obsess or try to find a meaning in it. I'm going to hold onto the memory of the experience itself.
Post 74: Close Call
Sometimes I think that I won't be good at anything. I'll sit deep in thought and wonder what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'll fixate on something and decide that is what I'm going to do, but then balk at the first sign of doubt. I doubt myself way too much. I tell myself that I will be horrible at something and because of it I don't try. I almost didn't write this post because I told myself that I couldn't do it. Whatever I wrote was going to be stupid and dumb and something nobody wanted to read. I wish I had told my subconscious something witty but I just told it to shut up and started writing. I need to be more firm with that part of myself. Who put insecure me in a corner? Oh, that would be it's assertive counterpart: ME!
Post 73: All Too Real
My best friend made a decision to change her life; she enlisted for the military. Sierra is not the person you would peg as a military recruit. She says what is on her mind and doesn't care if it offends. She has an incredibly supportive family and is very blessed. In a month she won't be with them anymore. When she started talking about joining I listened and was happy for her, but I didn't think much of it. I forgot to account for her commitment to her goals. Now that her departure date is approaching I can't help my own anxiety. For the majority of my life she's been at arm's length, ready to help if needed. We haven't always been close, but in the past few years I've come to depend on her more and more. I'm a naturally independent person and to have a friend this close is rare. She pushes me to get out of my box. I'm scared of being here without her. With nearly a month to go before she leaves for boot camp I'm just now grasping the reality of the situation. She's set to leave and if everything continues to go according to plan nothing will stop her from taking off. I know that without her life will continue on, I'll be forced to make new friends and open myself up to people. I'm going to miss her, I just wish there was an easier way to deal with saying goodbye.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Post 72: Throw Back Tuesday Anyone?
It's days like this that I think of you. I think of your arms, your muscles making a perfect bubble at your bicep. I think of your soft skin and how badly I want you to wrap your arms around me.
I never told you what I feel. I was and am afraid to. You are living a life far away from me and meeting incredible people that are probably more interesting than I am. I don't blame you, but I want to spend time with you. I want you to know the truth, even if it makes me sound desperate and stupid and immature.
I don't want to stop thinking about you. That night you showed me something that I didn't even know was there. I had never done most of those things that I had done with you before. Did you take other girls to the Chocolate Bar? Did you normally take other girls driving like that? I can't help but feel special. I also couldn't help the tear that fell down my face today when I was thinking about you. Singing that song, I don't even remember which song it was, all I know is I feel a powerful connection to you. My stomach gets in knots when I think about you too long. I think its from longing to tell you how I feel. I tried the cop out way of doing it, I honestly did. I was told it was stupid but I don't care. I wanted to tell you so bad. I wanted to tell you everything but I was terrified. I don't want to look desperate, but there are nights when nothing goes right and I think of you.
My actions are pathetic. They truly are. You kissed me and I kissed you back. There is nothing to be said besides that. You said it felt right. You didn't say you had feelings for me. You didn't say anything beyond that. Bothering you in Boston is stupid but I can't help imagining what it would be like to be with you. I think about you all the time and I wish you were here so I, ha there it is that fateful I. I don't say I'm in love with you because love would mean wishing your happiness even at the cost of my own. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but I want to be happy too.
I have never felt this way towards anyone else. I want to hope that you had/have feelings for me but I know how far fetched that idea is. You don't and that's alright.
I think about you coming back for our high school reunion holding the hand of your beautiful Mexican wife that you met in Boston, or even Cassidy's hand. I admit that imaging that makes me jealous. Which is completely stupid. I have absolutely no claim to you, but no matter how hard I try I can't talk myself off of this ledge. I didn't see us in the same league. Truly. I haven't liked anyone since the summer because of you. I think about that night and I feel chills inside me in anticipation of feeling that way again. Its stupid and I know it, but I want you so bad. I want you with every fiber of my emotional being. I wish he had left instead of you. You are gorgeous, selfless, spontaneous, and fun and I can't imagine anyone taking the place in my heart that you currently occupy.
I wish you would tell me that either you do or don't have feelings for me. I know I imagine you don't. I mean how could you? You are really into exercising and somehow I look like I've never seen a bike. I'm not fat but I'm not your normal type. I'm not the last with her Asian good looks and her love of basketball. I'm not your first crush with her dark hair and definitely not your first kiss. And I'm not your first love the red haired beauty who stole your heart and broke it into a million pieces. I'm me. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not entirely feminine. I like wearing dresses but I don't have the grace of one of my best friends. I want to share my opinions like a friend I stopped talking to but I'm too much of a people person to do that. I considered myself not in your league, but I loved being invited to hang with you and your friends.
Tell me I'm stupid. Tell me to give it up. Tell me to find someone besides you. But just talk to me. I can imagine you texting me. It would go like this:
H: Hi.
M: Hey. How are you?
H: I'm good. How are you?
M: I'm alright. Just getting used to my new job.
H: What job?
M: I work at REMSA on an ambulance.
H: That's really cool.
M: Yeah I think so.
H: What do you like about it?
M: I like putting aside what I'm worried about and helping someone who needs it.
H: That's kind of you.
M: Yup. What have you been up to in Boston?
H: Same old. My ballroom dancing team made it to the semi-finals.
M: That's great! Did you place?
H: No but my friends Rod and Nicki did. They are really good dancers.
M: Do any of your dances get on YouTube?
H: I don't think so. Why?
M: So all of us here could check it out.
H: Oh.
M: Sorry if that seems weird.
H: It's fine. It sounds like your still saying sorry.
M: Yup all the time. It's what I do best.
H: HaHa. I don't think so, but if you say so.
M: I see your grammar hasn't improved much.
H: What?
M: Oh nothing...I just remember reading your essays in English and thinking that your grammar was the only thing wrong with it.
H: Oh.
M: Don't feel bad. Everybody has a different skill. 3/4 of our class couldn't ride the moon buggy the way that you did.
H: I wasn't that great.
M: I heard without you they placed third.
H: Oh. Well, you know I still read your blog right?
M: Umm...what?
H: I still read your blog from high school.
M: Really?
H: Yeah. It's pretty funny.
M: Oh. Which parts?
H: The parts that aren't about me.
M: You read the ones about you? I thought everyone stopped looking at that.
H: Nope. Did you really mean what you said in October's post?
M: This October?
H: Yeah.
M: Yeah. I did.
H: Why didn't you tell me this?
M: Because I was afraid. Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: What were you afraid of?
M: Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: I thought you'd stop writing if I told you. Why didn't you tell me how you felt?
M: Because I thought it was stupid. I didn't think there was anyway you would feel the same.
I never told you what I feel. I was and am afraid to. You are living a life far away from me and meeting incredible people that are probably more interesting than I am. I don't blame you, but I want to spend time with you. I want you to know the truth, even if it makes me sound desperate and stupid and immature.
I don't want to stop thinking about you. That night you showed me something that I didn't even know was there. I had never done most of those things that I had done with you before. Did you take other girls to the Chocolate Bar? Did you normally take other girls driving like that? I can't help but feel special. I also couldn't help the tear that fell down my face today when I was thinking about you. Singing that song, I don't even remember which song it was, all I know is I feel a powerful connection to you. My stomach gets in knots when I think about you too long. I think its from longing to tell you how I feel. I tried the cop out way of doing it, I honestly did. I was told it was stupid but I don't care. I wanted to tell you so bad. I wanted to tell you everything but I was terrified. I don't want to look desperate, but there are nights when nothing goes right and I think of you.
My actions are pathetic. They truly are. You kissed me and I kissed you back. There is nothing to be said besides that. You said it felt right. You didn't say you had feelings for me. You didn't say anything beyond that. Bothering you in Boston is stupid but I can't help imagining what it would be like to be with you. I think about you all the time and I wish you were here so I, ha there it is that fateful I. I don't say I'm in love with you because love would mean wishing your happiness even at the cost of my own. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but I want to be happy too.
I have never felt this way towards anyone else. I want to hope that you had/have feelings for me but I know how far fetched that idea is. You don't and that's alright.
I think about you coming back for our high school reunion holding the hand of your beautiful Mexican wife that you met in Boston, or even Cassidy's hand. I admit that imaging that makes me jealous. Which is completely stupid. I have absolutely no claim to you, but no matter how hard I try I can't talk myself off of this ledge. I didn't see us in the same league. Truly. I haven't liked anyone since the summer because of you. I think about that night and I feel chills inside me in anticipation of feeling that way again. Its stupid and I know it, but I want you so bad. I want you with every fiber of my emotional being. I wish he had left instead of you. You are gorgeous, selfless, spontaneous, and fun and I can't imagine anyone taking the place in my heart that you currently occupy.
I wish you would tell me that either you do or don't have feelings for me. I know I imagine you don't. I mean how could you? You are really into exercising and somehow I look like I've never seen a bike. I'm not fat but I'm not your normal type. I'm not the last with her Asian good looks and her love of basketball. I'm not your first crush with her dark hair and definitely not your first kiss. And I'm not your first love the red haired beauty who stole your heart and broke it into a million pieces. I'm me. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not entirely feminine. I like wearing dresses but I don't have the grace of one of my best friends. I want to share my opinions like a friend I stopped talking to but I'm too much of a people person to do that. I considered myself not in your league, but I loved being invited to hang with you and your friends.
Tell me I'm stupid. Tell me to give it up. Tell me to find someone besides you. But just talk to me. I can imagine you texting me. It would go like this:
H: Hi.
M: Hey. How are you?
H: I'm good. How are you?
M: I'm alright. Just getting used to my new job.
H: What job?
M: I work at REMSA on an ambulance.
H: That's really cool.
M: Yeah I think so.
H: What do you like about it?
M: I like putting aside what I'm worried about and helping someone who needs it.
H: That's kind of you.
M: Yup. What have you been up to in Boston?
H: Same old. My ballroom dancing team made it to the semi-finals.
M: That's great! Did you place?
H: No but my friends Rod and Nicki did. They are really good dancers.
M: Do any of your dances get on YouTube?
H: I don't think so. Why?
M: So all of us here could check it out.
H: Oh.
M: Sorry if that seems weird.
H: It's fine. It sounds like your still saying sorry.
M: Yup all the time. It's what I do best.
H: HaHa. I don't think so, but if you say so.
M: I see your grammar hasn't improved much.
H: What?
M: Oh nothing...I just remember reading your essays in English and thinking that your grammar was the only thing wrong with it.
H: Oh.
M: Don't feel bad. Everybody has a different skill. 3/4 of our class couldn't ride the moon buggy the way that you did.
H: I wasn't that great.
M: I heard without you they placed third.
H: Oh. Well, you know I still read your blog right?
M: Umm...what?
H: I still read your blog from high school.
M: Really?
H: Yeah. It's pretty funny.
M: Oh. Which parts?
H: The parts that aren't about me.
M: You read the ones about you? I thought everyone stopped looking at that.
H: Nope. Did you really mean what you said in October's post?
M: This October?
H: Yeah.
M: Yeah. I did.
H: Why didn't you tell me this?
M: Because I was afraid. Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: What were you afraid of?
M: Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: I thought you'd stop writing if I told you. Why didn't you tell me how you felt?
M: Because I thought it was stupid. I didn't think there was anyway you would feel the same.
Post 71: The Charm of Monotony
Cheryl lived a regular life. She worked for a small publishing company where nothing bothered her. She worked by herself most days, lived by herself and kept mostly to herself. She lived a life of monotony where she stayed the same person, never growing, never changing. For the past few days I've felt like Cheryl. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm scared of the future because I can't control it. I'm afraid of what and who I'll become. I'm afraid of missing out on life's greatest adventures but afraid to do it. I'm afraid of moving too fast, of telling the truth, ending up alone, dying, being wrong, wasting time, choosing the wrong path, not fitting in, losing in life. It's so uncertain. I can't figure out how to spend my life. I want an instruction manual on how to do life right.
Post 69: Rumors
Why are the people who are being talked about the last to know? On Wednesday, a coworker of mine asked me out to dinner. I don't have any romantic interest in this individual and I really didn't want to, but I like peace in the workplace. Everything was fine until he said something at work. I was fine dealing with his advances and subtly cuing into the fact that I didn't reciprocate them. Two years ago at my work I had a similar experience with a coworker. He asked me out and I said yes even though I didn't like him. I don't do well with work romantic relationships. I have a very high standard of professionalism in the workplace and I don't like airing my personal life for others to see. I'm fine commenting and listening to other's problems, but I don't like it when people know mine. To me, it is a sign of weakness.
My boss approached me and asked about the rumor spreading throughout my work. His advice to me was to be careful, and that I was part of his core group. My coworker hadn't made it into his core group yet. He also told me that he protects his core group like a dad. I love my boss's loyalty, and am so thankful to be surrounded by people that care about me.
My boss approached me and asked about the rumor spreading throughout my work. His advice to me was to be careful, and that I was part of his core group. My coworker hadn't made it into his core group yet. He also told me that he protects his core group like a dad. I love my boss's loyalty, and am so thankful to be surrounded by people that care about me.
Post 66: Saturday Night Live
I would have written a longer post, but I was busy watching Saturday Night Live. I like watching the show because it's like visiting the past with a sadistic filter on the camera.
Post 65: Thinking Again and Phone Call Party
Recently, I have been considering going to medical school. I thought that forcing myself to make a life decision would make me feel better. It did for awhile, but then I went into a pre-I'm-going-to-miss-writing insecurity.
"Hello?"
"Hi Claire. It's Monique. What's up?"
"Hi Monique, is Aidan home?"
"No. He's out. Is there something I can help you with?"
"Yeah actually. Cassie and Blaine have some news they want to share with the family and they want to do it this weekend at my parents house Sunday night at 6:30. Can you guys make it?"
"Well normally we like to reserve Sunday nights for the kids to get ready for school. But if it's for Cassie and Blaine we can make it."
"Oh great. See you then."
"Claire, do you have a minute to talk?"
"Actually, I'm on my way to work. I just wanted to give you as much notice as I could."
"Oh, ok. Well thank you."
"No problem. Bye Monique."
"Bye."
"Hello?"
"Hi Claire. It's Monique. What's up?"
"Hi Monique, is Aidan home?"
"No. He's out. Is there something I can help you with?"
"Yeah actually. Cassie and Blaine have some news they want to share with the family and they want to do it this weekend at my parents house Sunday night at 6:30. Can you guys make it?"
"Well normally we like to reserve Sunday nights for the kids to get ready for school. But if it's for Cassie and Blaine we can make it."
"Oh great. See you then."
"Claire, do you have a minute to talk?"
"Actually, I'm on my way to work. I just wanted to give you as much notice as I could."
"Oh, ok. Well thank you."
"No problem. Bye Monique."
"Bye."
Post 64: Tricky Creatures Flap Intro
Once, when I was younger I had a dream that an angel came to me and offered me one wish. Out of everything I could have asked for, I wanted a glimpse of the boy I would spend the rest of my life with. The angel smiled and showed me an image of a tall man with brown hair wearing a red and blue plaid shirt. I only saw the back of his torso but I felt like that was enough of a hint for me to find him.
Years later, I was still convinced that I would meet my future Mr. by noticing his brown hair, and red and blue plaid shirt. I would be standing behind him and remember the dream. Every time I noticed a guy had one of those three traits, I always took a second look hoping it was him. But, like any destiny changing moment it didn't happen the way I thought it would. My future Mr. wasn't going to be wearing or looking like the dream I had when we first met but when I realized I would be spending the rest of my life with the guy I had fallen in love with. Angels are tricky creatures.
Years later, I was still convinced that I would meet my future Mr. by noticing his brown hair, and red and blue plaid shirt. I would be standing behind him and remember the dream. Every time I noticed a guy had one of those three traits, I always took a second look hoping it was him. But, like any destiny changing moment it didn't happen the way I thought it would. My future Mr. wasn't going to be wearing or looking like the dream I had when we first met but when I realized I would be spending the rest of my life with the guy I had fallen in love with. Angels are tricky creatures.
Post 63: Flashback
I sat in the cold waiting room. The blue painted walls had beautiful pictures of smiling mothers with their children. If I wasn't here for Cassie I probably wouldn't have ever been graced with the absolute pleasure of seeing creepy pictures in this building. Hell, I probably wouldn't have ever stepped foot in the building. But here I was waiting for the sake of my best friend and she didn't even know I was here.
The only other person in the room was a 40 year old woman with a huge pregnant belly. I had heard about the horrors of pregnancy; the vomiting, the stretch marks, not to mention the fact that a tiny parasite would own their host's body for 9 whole months, three-fourths of a year. I couldn't tell how far along the woman was, but she didn't look happy. I wondered how long it would take me to look like that.
Suddenly a door opening pulled my attention away from the woman. A nurse had opened the door between the worlds. "Claire Anderson?" I stood up with my people charming smile and followed her to a back exam room.
This room was less creepy. There were no pictures of "happy" families, but there were diagrams of the male and female reproductive systems. The wall was painted a medical white, and looked similar to a traditional doctors office except with the addition of stirrups to the traditional paper covered exam bench. With each movement the paper crinkled beneath me, and I was reminded why I was doing this.
It wasn't her fault really even if she was the reason I was here. It wasn't her fault that she had gotten leukemia as a teenager. It also wasn't her fault that the cancer treatments had taken away her chance to become a mom. Cassie was an incredible person. She was kind, and compassionate and had all of the goodness that a mother needs to make sure her kids aren't screwed up but none of the uterus. Cassie yearned for a biological child, she had been adopted and wanted a biological connection to another human being. She had an incredible family, and married into another family who loved her but couldn't help want more.
Cassie had married my brother Blaine a few years out of high school. I thought they suffered from high school sweetheart syndrome and would soon breakup, but the truth was they were perfect for each other. I had never seen anybody more in love except my parents. They had it all: a beautiful condo on the river, two dogs they cared about more than anything, nice paying jobs, and two of the biggest hearts in the world. The only thing they needed was a child.
They tried everything. Even put their name in for adoption, but nothing worked. Cassie put her body through hell once to live and did it again to bring another life into the world, but the second time wasn't so successful. Regardless of what they tried, she never became pregnant.
As her best friend, I felt helpless. I was there for Cassie through all of the cancer treatments, I shaved my head when she had to, and nearly got held back a year for spending so much time at the hospital with her. The stuff I did was nothing compared to what she had to suffer through. But now that she was trying to have her own biological child, I felt like I could finally do something.
I was the person who turned her on to surrogacy. I figured that she could finally achieve what she wanted. The idea brought her out of the self imposed depression, and she put all of her energy into the process. Blaine and Cassie went through additional hormone treatments for the extraction, and set everything into motion.
The next road block was funding a surrogate. All of the medical treatments had cost money and now they had to wait to be able to afford another. It was devastating to me to watch my best friend lose hope. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I set my own plan into action.
Cassie and I were always being mistaken for each other in high school, and I used that to my advantage. The only difference was she had freckles and brown hair where me and my brothers had blonde hair. I put on a wig, changed the way I walked and ultimately set everything in motion for me to be their surrogate. The final test was the interview with the doctor who would perform the procedure and monitor me throughout the pregnancy.
I met her on a bright Wednesday morning. I say bright because the sun was beaming and her office was the most white room I could have ever seen. I took a seat and was greeted by her pristine smile.
"Welcome Claire, please have a seat." She held her hand out and I shook it as I took a seat in her, you guessed it: white chairs!
"I'm Dr. Mahone. So, I was going over your application and it appears you have chosen to carry your brother and sister-in-law's baby. That's very noble of you. Why do you want to do this for them?"
"Well Blaine is my older brother and he married my best friend. They are two of the most incredible people I have ever encountered. They have everything they could ask for except a child. Cassie has been through hell to be here and I don't want this to get messed up for them. They need this to go right. Before I could do nothing real to help. I couldn't offer my arm in place of hers. I couldn't lose my hair instead of her or even give her my bone marrow. Finally, I can do something, and I want to do this for them. I won't let some person ruin this for them. They know me, heck we're family. I'm not going to take the baby at the end of this and run. They'll will always be in my life. Blaine and Cassie know exactly what to expect from me, and I wouldn't trust my nephew or niece to be carried by anyone else."
She nodded in understanding. "Your intentions are very noble, but it is important that you realize the extent of what being a surrogate entails. You have passed every preliminary test we require for this procedure. But I want to spend some time talking about your first pregnancy. Were there any complications?"
I had been preparing for this question. Since I had walked into the office and they had called me Cassie, I figured I could get this lie out without detection. "No. I had morning sickness for the first two months but after that calmed down everything was fine."
"And that morning sickness is to be expected. Your record says you gave birth to a baby girl. What does she think of this? Is she ok with her mom getting pregnant again?"
"My daughter Hillary is a little apprehensive but she wants me to help her aunt and uncle. She's a teenager and is afraid of explaining it all to her friends at school. You know, wanting to be enough under the radar not to attract too much attention, but still unique enough that she gets the right kind of attention."
Dr. Mahone chuckled at my little quip. "I understand. My son is a preteen whose favorite word is whatever."
I did the polite societal thing and laughed in agreement. "That was a fun time. Just wait until he starts cussing. Once Hillary thought it was ok, it was incredibly hard to get her to stop."
"Does she live with you?" The doctor asked curiously.
"Yes, unless her dad is home. He travels roughly half of the year so she lives with him when he's here and me when he's not."
"What does he think of you becoming a surrogate for your brother?"
"He doesn't know yet. His phone calls are mainly for Hillary. We still care for each other but as friends. He's always been supportive of my goals and I have no doubt he will feel the same this time."
"That's great. What is your relationship with Hillary's father?"
"We were never married. She was a surprise and we just never took the final step. I've had some serious relationships after we decided to remain friends and nothing else but I'm not in a relationship now."
She paused a moment, looked down at my file and nodded. "Well that makes this process simpler. We have to have the consent of the current partner, but seeing as there is none, that makes it easier." She looked at me and a smile spread across her face. "Well everything seems to be in order. We will set an appointment for next week and get you inseminated. It was nice to meet you Claire."
"It was very nice to meet you too Dr. Mahone. I look forward to our appointment next week."
A week later I sat in the exam room. I smiled when the doctor walked into the room. The procedure took no time at all and I left the office praying that I was pregnant with my brother and best friend's child.
The only other person in the room was a 40 year old woman with a huge pregnant belly. I had heard about the horrors of pregnancy; the vomiting, the stretch marks, not to mention the fact that a tiny parasite would own their host's body for 9 whole months, three-fourths of a year. I couldn't tell how far along the woman was, but she didn't look happy. I wondered how long it would take me to look like that.
Suddenly a door opening pulled my attention away from the woman. A nurse had opened the door between the worlds. "Claire Anderson?" I stood up with my people charming smile and followed her to a back exam room.
This room was less creepy. There were no pictures of "happy" families, but there were diagrams of the male and female reproductive systems. The wall was painted a medical white, and looked similar to a traditional doctors office except with the addition of stirrups to the traditional paper covered exam bench. With each movement the paper crinkled beneath me, and I was reminded why I was doing this.
It wasn't her fault really even if she was the reason I was here. It wasn't her fault that she had gotten leukemia as a teenager. It also wasn't her fault that the cancer treatments had taken away her chance to become a mom. Cassie was an incredible person. She was kind, and compassionate and had all of the goodness that a mother needs to make sure her kids aren't screwed up but none of the uterus. Cassie yearned for a biological child, she had been adopted and wanted a biological connection to another human being. She had an incredible family, and married into another family who loved her but couldn't help want more.
Cassie had married my brother Blaine a few years out of high school. I thought they suffered from high school sweetheart syndrome and would soon breakup, but the truth was they were perfect for each other. I had never seen anybody more in love except my parents. They had it all: a beautiful condo on the river, two dogs they cared about more than anything, nice paying jobs, and two of the biggest hearts in the world. The only thing they needed was a child.
They tried everything. Even put their name in for adoption, but nothing worked. Cassie put her body through hell once to live and did it again to bring another life into the world, but the second time wasn't so successful. Regardless of what they tried, she never became pregnant.
As her best friend, I felt helpless. I was there for Cassie through all of the cancer treatments, I shaved my head when she had to, and nearly got held back a year for spending so much time at the hospital with her. The stuff I did was nothing compared to what she had to suffer through. But now that she was trying to have her own biological child, I felt like I could finally do something.
I was the person who turned her on to surrogacy. I figured that she could finally achieve what she wanted. The idea brought her out of the self imposed depression, and she put all of her energy into the process. Blaine and Cassie went through additional hormone treatments for the extraction, and set everything into motion.
The next road block was funding a surrogate. All of the medical treatments had cost money and now they had to wait to be able to afford another. It was devastating to me to watch my best friend lose hope. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I set my own plan into action.
Cassie and I were always being mistaken for each other in high school, and I used that to my advantage. The only difference was she had freckles and brown hair where me and my brothers had blonde hair. I put on a wig, changed the way I walked and ultimately set everything in motion for me to be their surrogate. The final test was the interview with the doctor who would perform the procedure and monitor me throughout the pregnancy.
I met her on a bright Wednesday morning. I say bright because the sun was beaming and her office was the most white room I could have ever seen. I took a seat and was greeted by her pristine smile.
"Welcome Claire, please have a seat." She held her hand out and I shook it as I took a seat in her, you guessed it: white chairs!
"I'm Dr. Mahone. So, I was going over your application and it appears you have chosen to carry your brother and sister-in-law's baby. That's very noble of you. Why do you want to do this for them?"
"Well Blaine is my older brother and he married my best friend. They are two of the most incredible people I have ever encountered. They have everything they could ask for except a child. Cassie has been through hell to be here and I don't want this to get messed up for them. They need this to go right. Before I could do nothing real to help. I couldn't offer my arm in place of hers. I couldn't lose my hair instead of her or even give her my bone marrow. Finally, I can do something, and I want to do this for them. I won't let some person ruin this for them. They know me, heck we're family. I'm not going to take the baby at the end of this and run. They'll will always be in my life. Blaine and Cassie know exactly what to expect from me, and I wouldn't trust my nephew or niece to be carried by anyone else."
She nodded in understanding. "Your intentions are very noble, but it is important that you realize the extent of what being a surrogate entails. You have passed every preliminary test we require for this procedure. But I want to spend some time talking about your first pregnancy. Were there any complications?"
I had been preparing for this question. Since I had walked into the office and they had called me Cassie, I figured I could get this lie out without detection. "No. I had morning sickness for the first two months but after that calmed down everything was fine."
"And that morning sickness is to be expected. Your record says you gave birth to a baby girl. What does she think of this? Is she ok with her mom getting pregnant again?"
"My daughter Hillary is a little apprehensive but she wants me to help her aunt and uncle. She's a teenager and is afraid of explaining it all to her friends at school. You know, wanting to be enough under the radar not to attract too much attention, but still unique enough that she gets the right kind of attention."
Dr. Mahone chuckled at my little quip. "I understand. My son is a preteen whose favorite word is whatever."
I did the polite societal thing and laughed in agreement. "That was a fun time. Just wait until he starts cussing. Once Hillary thought it was ok, it was incredibly hard to get her to stop."
"Does she live with you?" The doctor asked curiously.
"Yes, unless her dad is home. He travels roughly half of the year so she lives with him when he's here and me when he's not."
"What does he think of you becoming a surrogate for your brother?"
"He doesn't know yet. His phone calls are mainly for Hillary. We still care for each other but as friends. He's always been supportive of my goals and I have no doubt he will feel the same this time."
"That's great. What is your relationship with Hillary's father?"
"We were never married. She was a surprise and we just never took the final step. I've had some serious relationships after we decided to remain friends and nothing else but I'm not in a relationship now."
She paused a moment, looked down at my file and nodded. "Well that makes this process simpler. We have to have the consent of the current partner, but seeing as there is none, that makes it easier." She looked at me and a smile spread across her face. "Well everything seems to be in order. We will set an appointment for next week and get you inseminated. It was nice to meet you Claire."
"It was very nice to meet you too Dr. Mahone. I look forward to our appointment next week."
A week later I sat in the exam room. I smiled when the doctor walked into the room. The procedure took no time at all and I left the office praying that I was pregnant with my brother and best friend's child.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Post 62: Quotes to Save
I'm going to get this done before 1 am! Anyway:
"Mom, I have to do this. If I don't Cassie is never going to get her dream. You don't understand."
"Claire I understand perfectly. You care so much for her but did you ever consider being there to support her instead of taking this drastic step?"
"I can't be happy with myself until I do everything in my power to help her. If this doesn't work then I can support her but I have to try."
_________________________________________________________________________________
"Look I didn't get into a relationship to be any body's mother and I don't expect anyone to be my father. I'm here to be an equal and I'm looking for someone to be my equal."
-Skylar
_________________________________________________________________________________
I always wondered what it was about writing that made people either hate...
_________________________________________________________________________________
He reached out. "Kathleen stop." She turned her head tears gathering in her eyes.
"What Cory?"
"I can't love you when you live in another state. I have to be close to you." He took a step forward and pushed her back against the wall and...
They got married and lived happily ever after with an upside down castle and a cup of pudding.
Looking at my latest creation it's a wonder I want to be a romance writer. For one thing I've only had one boyfriend during eighth grade summer camp; two, I'm still in high school so as a junior there's not much I actually know about romance, three; the farthest I've been is a totally embarassing make out session with a crush that completely crushed me. With everything, I'm probably the least qualified person, and the crap I just wrote if proof of that. I have no idea what is supposed to happen.
As my mom calls me down for breakfast, I put my personal dreams aside and face the hard reality of high school.
I always wondered what it was about writing that made people either hate...
_________________________________________________________________________________
He reached out. "Kathleen stop." She turned her head tears gathering in her eyes.
"What Cory?"
"I can't love you when you live in another state. I have to be close to you." He took a step forward and pushed her back against the wall and...
They got married and lived happily ever after with an upside down castle and a cup of pudding.
Looking at my latest creation it's a wonder I want to be a romance writer. For one thing I've only had one boyfriend during eighth grade summer camp; two, I'm still in high school so as a junior there's not much I actually know about romance, three; the farthest I've been is a totally embarassing make out session with a crush that completely crushed me. With everything, I'm probably the least qualified person, and the crap I just wrote if proof of that. I have no idea what is supposed to happen.
As my mom calls me down for breakfast, I put my personal dreams aside and face the hard reality of high school.
Post 61: ?
We're camping. It's supposed to be an escape but is it sad that all I want to do is isolate myself and write?
Post 60: Awesome!
Whew, post 60 already! These posts are coming out quick. I'm completely uncertain why I have to mention a specific post during these last four days. Perhaps I have to get some acknowledgment for the progress I am making. It is the fourth day in a row I've been posting without stopping. I admit I feel a little bit of pride when I say this. This kind of stuff is especially remarkable for a commitment phobe like me. Congrats self for staying on track!
Post 59: A Couple of Things...
Today I met a couple. Both of the people involved are around my age but they are older than me yet act like they are 14. Let me explain. When we met we waved hands at each other and stood awkwardly until we departed for the water. They immediately pulled ahead of the group of women and wandered off by themselves. I get it, you're dating. That's cool and stuff but you can still be sociable. It is extremely awkward to sit by and not talk to someone because you're part of a couple. I'm not getting off completely Scot free either. I could have spoken up and been more conversational too but a 2 to 1 ratio is quite intimidating.
This isn't the first time I've noticed an awkwardness when I am around a couple and I doubt it will be the last. Yet from this moment on I resign to not be that girlfriend. When I get into a relationship I will continue to be the social butterfly I am today. The only difference is I'll have an additional title to put behind my name.
ABS: daughter, sister, friend, AEMT, college sophomore, sponsor, girlfriend.
Post 58: Secret
I can't stand it. Here I am nearly 3 feet away and I can't keep my mind from going there. What I desire I desire intensely and I impatiently wait for the moment it happens. I can't wait to share the news with the world that I am changed forever. Yet here I sit three feet away from my best friend and she doesn't know. She can't know because if she did she would shy away and wonder about my sanity. We tell each other everything, but I can't tell her my deepest secret. The image that plays in my head as I fall asleep must remain there silently and be kept to myself. It pulls at my heart. I've fought hard to be sure about my feelings and recently I have decided that nothing will hold me back and eventually I will accomplish my goal. It's going to happen but the waiting might just kill me.
Post 57: My Hatred of the Number 57
I really don't like the number 57. I'm a fan of 5's and 7's individually but for some reason once they are combined I can't stand the sight of them. I get a feeling about things sometimes like for example french dip sandwiches. I like all of the parts individually: the bread, cheese, roast beef, and aus juice separately are great, but I hate eating it all together. I have yet to run into a situation in life events like this though. I'm sure it happens especially in relationships. Imagine: a girl and a guy are both incredible individually. They have incredible careers, nice bodies, pleasant personalities, but when they fall in love it ends up being detrimental to both parties. Just like the individual numbers 5 and 7. They are great in their own regards but together is just a mess. I should apologize because neither of the numbers didn't do anything to me but I resent it regardless.
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