Thursday, August 13, 2015
Post 74: Close Call
Sometimes I think that I won't be good at anything. I'll sit deep in thought and wonder what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'll fixate on something and decide that is what I'm going to do, but then balk at the first sign of doubt. I doubt myself way too much. I tell myself that I will be horrible at something and because of it I don't try. I almost didn't write this post because I told myself that I couldn't do it. Whatever I wrote was going to be stupid and dumb and something nobody wanted to read. I wish I had told my subconscious something witty but I just told it to shut up and started writing. I need to be more firm with that part of myself. Who put insecure me in a corner? Oh, that would be it's assertive counterpart: ME!
Post 73: All Too Real
My best friend made a decision to change her life; she enlisted for the military. Sierra is not the person you would peg as a military recruit. She says what is on her mind and doesn't care if it offends. She has an incredibly supportive family and is very blessed. In a month she won't be with them anymore. When she started talking about joining I listened and was happy for her, but I didn't think much of it. I forgot to account for her commitment to her goals. Now that her departure date is approaching I can't help my own anxiety. For the majority of my life she's been at arm's length, ready to help if needed. We haven't always been close, but in the past few years I've come to depend on her more and more. I'm a naturally independent person and to have a friend this close is rare. She pushes me to get out of my box. I'm scared of being here without her. With nearly a month to go before she leaves for boot camp I'm just now grasping the reality of the situation. She's set to leave and if everything continues to go according to plan nothing will stop her from taking off. I know that without her life will continue on, I'll be forced to make new friends and open myself up to people. I'm going to miss her, I just wish there was an easier way to deal with saying goodbye.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Post 72: Throw Back Tuesday Anyone?
It's days like this that I think of you. I think of your arms, your muscles making a perfect bubble at your bicep. I think of your soft skin and how badly I want you to wrap your arms around me.
I never told you what I feel. I was and am afraid to. You are living a life far away from me and meeting incredible people that are probably more interesting than I am. I don't blame you, but I want to spend time with you. I want you to know the truth, even if it makes me sound desperate and stupid and immature.
I don't want to stop thinking about you. That night you showed me something that I didn't even know was there. I had never done most of those things that I had done with you before. Did you take other girls to the Chocolate Bar? Did you normally take other girls driving like that? I can't help but feel special. I also couldn't help the tear that fell down my face today when I was thinking about you. Singing that song, I don't even remember which song it was, all I know is I feel a powerful connection to you. My stomach gets in knots when I think about you too long. I think its from longing to tell you how I feel. I tried the cop out way of doing it, I honestly did. I was told it was stupid but I don't care. I wanted to tell you so bad. I wanted to tell you everything but I was terrified. I don't want to look desperate, but there are nights when nothing goes right and I think of you.
My actions are pathetic. They truly are. You kissed me and I kissed you back. There is nothing to be said besides that. You said it felt right. You didn't say you had feelings for me. You didn't say anything beyond that. Bothering you in Boston is stupid but I can't help imagining what it would be like to be with you. I think about you all the time and I wish you were here so I, ha there it is that fateful I. I don't say I'm in love with you because love would mean wishing your happiness even at the cost of my own. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but I want to be happy too.
I have never felt this way towards anyone else. I want to hope that you had/have feelings for me but I know how far fetched that idea is. You don't and that's alright.
I think about you coming back for our high school reunion holding the hand of your beautiful Mexican wife that you met in Boston, or even Cassidy's hand. I admit that imaging that makes me jealous. Which is completely stupid. I have absolutely no claim to you, but no matter how hard I try I can't talk myself off of this ledge. I didn't see us in the same league. Truly. I haven't liked anyone since the summer because of you. I think about that night and I feel chills inside me in anticipation of feeling that way again. Its stupid and I know it, but I want you so bad. I want you with every fiber of my emotional being. I wish he had left instead of you. You are gorgeous, selfless, spontaneous, and fun and I can't imagine anyone taking the place in my heart that you currently occupy.
I wish you would tell me that either you do or don't have feelings for me. I know I imagine you don't. I mean how could you? You are really into exercising and somehow I look like I've never seen a bike. I'm not fat but I'm not your normal type. I'm not the last with her Asian good looks and her love of basketball. I'm not your first crush with her dark hair and definitely not your first kiss. And I'm not your first love the red haired beauty who stole your heart and broke it into a million pieces. I'm me. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not entirely feminine. I like wearing dresses but I don't have the grace of one of my best friends. I want to share my opinions like a friend I stopped talking to but I'm too much of a people person to do that. I considered myself not in your league, but I loved being invited to hang with you and your friends.
Tell me I'm stupid. Tell me to give it up. Tell me to find someone besides you. But just talk to me. I can imagine you texting me. It would go like this:
H: Hi.
M: Hey. How are you?
H: I'm good. How are you?
M: I'm alright. Just getting used to my new job.
H: What job?
M: I work at REMSA on an ambulance.
H: That's really cool.
M: Yeah I think so.
H: What do you like about it?
M: I like putting aside what I'm worried about and helping someone who needs it.
H: That's kind of you.
M: Yup. What have you been up to in Boston?
H: Same old. My ballroom dancing team made it to the semi-finals.
M: That's great! Did you place?
H: No but my friends Rod and Nicki did. They are really good dancers.
M: Do any of your dances get on YouTube?
H: I don't think so. Why?
M: So all of us here could check it out.
H: Oh.
M: Sorry if that seems weird.
H: It's fine. It sounds like your still saying sorry.
M: Yup all the time. It's what I do best.
H: HaHa. I don't think so, but if you say so.
M: I see your grammar hasn't improved much.
H: What?
M: Oh nothing...I just remember reading your essays in English and thinking that your grammar was the only thing wrong with it.
H: Oh.
M: Don't feel bad. Everybody has a different skill. 3/4 of our class couldn't ride the moon buggy the way that you did.
H: I wasn't that great.
M: I heard without you they placed third.
H: Oh. Well, you know I still read your blog right?
M: Umm...what?
H: I still read your blog from high school.
M: Really?
H: Yeah. It's pretty funny.
M: Oh. Which parts?
H: The parts that aren't about me.
M: You read the ones about you? I thought everyone stopped looking at that.
H: Nope. Did you really mean what you said in October's post?
M: This October?
H: Yeah.
M: Yeah. I did.
H: Why didn't you tell me this?
M: Because I was afraid. Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: What were you afraid of?
M: Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: I thought you'd stop writing if I told you. Why didn't you tell me how you felt?
M: Because I thought it was stupid. I didn't think there was anyway you would feel the same.
I never told you what I feel. I was and am afraid to. You are living a life far away from me and meeting incredible people that are probably more interesting than I am. I don't blame you, but I want to spend time with you. I want you to know the truth, even if it makes me sound desperate and stupid and immature.
I don't want to stop thinking about you. That night you showed me something that I didn't even know was there. I had never done most of those things that I had done with you before. Did you take other girls to the Chocolate Bar? Did you normally take other girls driving like that? I can't help but feel special. I also couldn't help the tear that fell down my face today when I was thinking about you. Singing that song, I don't even remember which song it was, all I know is I feel a powerful connection to you. My stomach gets in knots when I think about you too long. I think its from longing to tell you how I feel. I tried the cop out way of doing it, I honestly did. I was told it was stupid but I don't care. I wanted to tell you so bad. I wanted to tell you everything but I was terrified. I don't want to look desperate, but there are nights when nothing goes right and I think of you.
My actions are pathetic. They truly are. You kissed me and I kissed you back. There is nothing to be said besides that. You said it felt right. You didn't say you had feelings for me. You didn't say anything beyond that. Bothering you in Boston is stupid but I can't help imagining what it would be like to be with you. I think about you all the time and I wish you were here so I, ha there it is that fateful I. I don't say I'm in love with you because love would mean wishing your happiness even at the cost of my own. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but I want to be happy too.
I have never felt this way towards anyone else. I want to hope that you had/have feelings for me but I know how far fetched that idea is. You don't and that's alright.
I think about you coming back for our high school reunion holding the hand of your beautiful Mexican wife that you met in Boston, or even Cassidy's hand. I admit that imaging that makes me jealous. Which is completely stupid. I have absolutely no claim to you, but no matter how hard I try I can't talk myself off of this ledge. I didn't see us in the same league. Truly. I haven't liked anyone since the summer because of you. I think about that night and I feel chills inside me in anticipation of feeling that way again. Its stupid and I know it, but I want you so bad. I want you with every fiber of my emotional being. I wish he had left instead of you. You are gorgeous, selfless, spontaneous, and fun and I can't imagine anyone taking the place in my heart that you currently occupy.
I wish you would tell me that either you do or don't have feelings for me. I know I imagine you don't. I mean how could you? You are really into exercising and somehow I look like I've never seen a bike. I'm not fat but I'm not your normal type. I'm not the last with her Asian good looks and her love of basketball. I'm not your first crush with her dark hair and definitely not your first kiss. And I'm not your first love the red haired beauty who stole your heart and broke it into a million pieces. I'm me. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not entirely feminine. I like wearing dresses but I don't have the grace of one of my best friends. I want to share my opinions like a friend I stopped talking to but I'm too much of a people person to do that. I considered myself not in your league, but I loved being invited to hang with you and your friends.
Tell me I'm stupid. Tell me to give it up. Tell me to find someone besides you. But just talk to me. I can imagine you texting me. It would go like this:
H: Hi.
M: Hey. How are you?
H: I'm good. How are you?
M: I'm alright. Just getting used to my new job.
H: What job?
M: I work at REMSA on an ambulance.
H: That's really cool.
M: Yeah I think so.
H: What do you like about it?
M: I like putting aside what I'm worried about and helping someone who needs it.
H: That's kind of you.
M: Yup. What have you been up to in Boston?
H: Same old. My ballroom dancing team made it to the semi-finals.
M: That's great! Did you place?
H: No but my friends Rod and Nicki did. They are really good dancers.
M: Do any of your dances get on YouTube?
H: I don't think so. Why?
M: So all of us here could check it out.
H: Oh.
M: Sorry if that seems weird.
H: It's fine. It sounds like your still saying sorry.
M: Yup all the time. It's what I do best.
H: HaHa. I don't think so, but if you say so.
M: I see your grammar hasn't improved much.
H: What?
M: Oh nothing...I just remember reading your essays in English and thinking that your grammar was the only thing wrong with it.
H: Oh.
M: Don't feel bad. Everybody has a different skill. 3/4 of our class couldn't ride the moon buggy the way that you did.
H: I wasn't that great.
M: I heard without you they placed third.
H: Oh. Well, you know I still read your blog right?
M: Umm...what?
H: I still read your blog from high school.
M: Really?
H: Yeah. It's pretty funny.
M: Oh. Which parts?
H: The parts that aren't about me.
M: You read the ones about you? I thought everyone stopped looking at that.
H: Nope. Did you really mean what you said in October's post?
M: This October?
H: Yeah.
M: Yeah. I did.
H: Why didn't you tell me this?
M: Because I was afraid. Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: What were you afraid of?
M: Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: I thought you'd stop writing if I told you. Why didn't you tell me how you felt?
M: Because I thought it was stupid. I didn't think there was anyway you would feel the same.
Post 71: The Charm of Monotony
Cheryl lived a regular life. She worked for a small publishing company where nothing bothered her. She worked by herself most days, lived by herself and kept mostly to herself. She lived a life of monotony where she stayed the same person, never growing, never changing. For the past few days I've felt like Cheryl. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm scared of the future because I can't control it. I'm afraid of what and who I'll become. I'm afraid of missing out on life's greatest adventures but afraid to do it. I'm afraid of moving too fast, of telling the truth, ending up alone, dying, being wrong, wasting time, choosing the wrong path, not fitting in, losing in life. It's so uncertain. I can't figure out how to spend my life. I want an instruction manual on how to do life right.
Post 69: Rumors
Why are the people who are being talked about the last to know? On Wednesday, a coworker of mine asked me out to dinner. I don't have any romantic interest in this individual and I really didn't want to, but I like peace in the workplace. Everything was fine until he said something at work. I was fine dealing with his advances and subtly cuing into the fact that I didn't reciprocate them. Two years ago at my work I had a similar experience with a coworker. He asked me out and I said yes even though I didn't like him. I don't do well with work romantic relationships. I have a very high standard of professionalism in the workplace and I don't like airing my personal life for others to see. I'm fine commenting and listening to other's problems, but I don't like it when people know mine. To me, it is a sign of weakness.
My boss approached me and asked about the rumor spreading throughout my work. His advice to me was to be careful, and that I was part of his core group. My coworker hadn't made it into his core group yet. He also told me that he protects his core group like a dad. I love my boss's loyalty, and am so thankful to be surrounded by people that care about me.
My boss approached me and asked about the rumor spreading throughout my work. His advice to me was to be careful, and that I was part of his core group. My coworker hadn't made it into his core group yet. He also told me that he protects his core group like a dad. I love my boss's loyalty, and am so thankful to be surrounded by people that care about me.
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