Post 29: Safe Orange

          I was in high school and arrested. I couldn't finish my senior year because I wasn't myself. I was owned by someone else. I saw Mrs. Mahr again and Hoyt, but it was like a shadow of my actual senior year. Sometime later I was being chased by a man again. This time he chased me through a casino. I changed my hair and stuffed something up my shirt to change my appearance. I snuck through a jewelry store and ended up hiding with security. Then I walked outside to the parking lot and barely escaped him. I met up with my parents and sister. Then I hid in the basement of the hospital still attempting to hide from him.
         I don't know why I've been dreaming about a guy chasing me. It's terrifying, yet somehow thrilling. Hopefully it means good things...

Post 28: Discipline Is My Destiny

        I am a babysitter; a glorified babysitter who takes the opportunity to escape from her tasks. My sister on the other hand doesn't get an option. She is followed around by little kids who request her attention. She is one of the most blunt people and as she nearly tells the kids to jump off a bridge, they continue to pester her. This is the story every time we go camping. As soon as they pull up, the kids are up my sister's butt. Their parents are immature selfish beings who wish only to appear as if they are loving parents. They are stupid assholes who only care about competing. Its stupid.
          At 19 years old I am more responsible than these people that pass themselves off as parents. I now have the retrospect to look at their kids and see that mine will not behave like that. They will be disciplined and have healthy limits set on them. They won't bother people in their trailer when they have their own. They will be kind, and polite, and courteous. They'll also know how to take a hint. I wish these kids knew how to take one.
          Oh well, wish their sitter luck.

Post 27: Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil

          My work gives me an excellent opportunity to people watch. For 4-6 hours I sit in an air conditioned office with a door and a window opened to the world around me. Last week while I was watching I noticed the monotony of human life. We spend entire days dedicated to entertaining ourselves with nothing to show for it. We play this game called life and at the end we just shuffle off this mortal coil as if we never existed. I finally understand what Hamlet was talking about.

Post 26: Too Late To Be Determined

          I'm too tired to be original at this point. Goodnight.

Post 25: A Look Into the Future

          I am 1/4 done with my little challenge. To say that it has been interesting is totally true. I like pressing publish like a really important person. I like knowing that one day these could be read and people could wonder what the hell I'm doing. Oh well. I can't believe I've posted 25 times. I just hope they get better with time.

Post 24: Gone

         Last summer when Elle fell for Nate, she got a scar. It was a simple scar from swinging around a tree downtown. It happened while they and their group of friends were seeing a movie. A whimsical moment passed and she was stuck with a scar. She was also stuck on a guy who had feelings for her but wouldn't show them. Throughout the year she spent time thinking about him, wondering how he was doing but too afraid to ask for herself. The scar on her wrist stayed.  Finally, they met and Elle learned that Nate had moved on. A few weeks later, Elle learned to. Today she looked for that scar, but couldn't find it. The scar like her feelings for Nate were gone.

Post 23: Same Story

          I don't know what I was planning on writing here...

Post 22: A Weird Dream

           I had a really weird dream tonight. Somehow it started with Duck Dynasty, then I moved into a fancy restaurant where my family was eating dinner. I was given a key and a card. After dinner I ran to the mall because apparently this guy was chasing me. I hid from him in a ladies store. Somehow the dream started again, but everything happened differently. I saw my family having dinner but this time I got to talk to my grandma. Then I started running again and met the owner of the store I had originally hid in. She helped me escape from the man chasing me. We tricked him and I ended up as a gorilla roaring on the top of a waterfall. It was fairly intense, but I don't remember enough or have time to give you a play by play, so that's all you get. Enjoy your own imagination.

Post 19: Honest Surprises

        I woke up in a hospital room. The walls, my blankets, and lights were blindingly white. There was a chair in a corner of the room, with a jacket draped over it. A computer was bolted to the wall directly across the room from the chair. A television, a sink, and a set of drawers were the only other things in the room. I was confused. How did I get here? The last thing I remember was falling down the hill and Dominik. Even thinking his name was sending me into a bad mood. I can't believe he would just leave me and let me walk away. That stupid man. Didn't he know that when a woman walks away from a conflict she wants to be followed, at least most of the time.  Well, I was going to stop assuming he would get my subtle hints; the things that come from knowing somebody because obviously he didn't know me as well as I thought.  

          The curtain to my room opened and in popped Dominik. The fire returned to my gut as the anger returned to my chest. "What are you doing here?"

          "I'm making sure you're alright."

          "Who told you I was here?" I questioned.

          "Nobody, I brought you here."

          "What?"

          "Who else did you expect to be here? We were by ourselves and you stared walking away. I told you I wasn't going to leave you out there alone." Hmm...maybe he wasn't as much of a superficial dick as I thought. 

          "Ok. Well I guess I should thank you. So, thank you." It wasn't the most heartfelt thank you but at least I said it. 

          "Not a problem. Next time, can you have a blonde moment closer to the car so I don't have to carry you quite so far?" He teased flirtatiously as he took the only available seat in the room.
         Inside I cringed, but outside I continued my tough front. "I don't know if you could call it a blonde moment. Plenty of people trip    "
         "You are the only person I know who would trip and brake their leg."
         I tightened my lips. "Did I really brake my leg?" I stole a glance at my leg which was neatly wrapped in white gauze.  Two unmistakable ridges rose above my skin line. That was the first time I noticed a bag of clear liquid hanging behind me, with a line that ended in my hand.
          "Yup. The bone snapped clear through the skin. They gave you some pain medication so you wouldn't feel anything."
          "Oh." I muttered not entirely comfortable with the idea.
          "So...you ran away." Dominik continued after a moment of silence.
          "I didn't run away. I stepped away from the conflict so I wouldn't make it worse."
          "Why can't you just admit that you were upset?" He asked.
          "Fine. I was upset. I've never been completely confident in regards to my body and when you said what you said it made me angry and insecure. Ok, is that what you wanted to hear?" I crossed my arms ready to fly off the handle even with my leg bandaged and not working. "I thought you would want to move forward, not end it because I didn't meet the impossibly high standard of the girl you expect to be with."
          "Wow I royally fucked this up." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Aubree, I didn't want to end...I don't want to end this. I was trying to tell you that I think we should start doing more physical activities, I'm sorry you took it that way."
          "You don't need to apologize." All my built up anger melted away. "I'm sorry I overreacted. I'm not the best communicator, and I assume way too much. Sometimes it's just hard to believe that we're actually seeing each other."
          He looked at me with genuine confusion. "Why is that hard to believe? You are beautiful, strong, smart, and ambitious. Why wouldn't I want to be with you?"
          "You are the most attractive guy in our building Dominik. I'm not used to attractive guys like you giving me the kind of attention you do. The fact that you liked me was a complete shock. I guess I'm finally getting used to the idea that this could be real. When you started acting weird I took it as you wanting to end it because I couldn't imagine this going anywhere else."
          "Now that your not mad, do you still see this ending?"
          I had two choices. I could follow my tradition of being tough and feel in control or change my tactics and be vulnerable. Unfortunately for me vulnerability had always worked better with Dominik. I think he liked being in control too. "I think it depends on how we feel about each other. If we are on the same page than I see this moving forward."
          "And if we aren't?" He asked.
          "Then we end it I guess. Ok, I've been vulnerable now it's your turn. What do you want to do Dom?"
         "I want to move forward. I have the kind of feelings for you that make me want to take care of you. I want to get to know all the nooks and crannies that you haven't let me into yet. I want to kiss you in the rain, on the beach, and around my friends. I want to call you mine and be the only man you see. I want to argue with you over stupid things. I want to make love with you; but first I'd settle with calling you my girlfriend. What do you have to say to that?"
           " I say that speech sounds a little rehearsed."
          "Well, you would be wrong. I have impeccable improvisation skills. Ok, now speech me." He sat back in the chair with his arms crossed behind his head.
          "Why are you saying these things now? Is it because the whole trauma bonding thing?" I asked skeptical. 

           "What trauma bonding thing?"

           "You know, the phenomenon that occurs when one person in a group experiences trauma around the rest of the group. They bond. And if it's a girl and guy thing then they get a pseudo nightingale 'I want to take care of you' thing." 

          "Your explanations are interesting but I can say no to the bonding thing. I felt this way for awhile. Plus there's this." He sat up and put his hand behind my ear pulling me into a kiss. It was a soft teasing kiss, the kind where my heart raced after it was over. 

           "That was great Dom. I'm just used to being everything on my own. I don't...haven't...I'm not used to having somebody there. I wouldn't know how to be your girlfriend."

          "I've never been in a relationship with someone like you before. Part of the excitement between us is due to the guesswork that any relationship takes. I'll probably be just as lost as you feel but I'm willing to try if you are. You just have to ask yourself if this is worth it." He intertwined my hand with his. I felt myself blush with the thrill of it. 

          At that moment, someone knocked on the door jam and pushed back the curtain. "May I come in?" 

          I nodded and the tall gentleman with surfer boy looks and ironed blue scrubs came to stand at my bedside. 

          "Hello Aubree. My name is Dr. Fenian and I'll be your surgeon. According to your X-ray you have a fractured tibia. We are going to..." I zoned out as the doctor explained the procedure. The doctor was nice enough but he was using big medical words I didn't understand. "Do you have any questions?" He asked at the end of the scpheel. 

          There was only one at the forefront of my mind. "Yes, where can my boyfriend wait while I'm in surgey?"

          "There's a waiting room on the third floor directly across the hall from your recovery room. Any questions about the procedure?" He asked again. 

          "No. I trust you." I said simply. 

          Dominik laughed. "You should take that as a real compliment Dr. Usually she pesters til she's satisfied." 

          "Well I will than. Thank you. If you need anything feel free to call your nurses. I'll see you in about an hour." 

          After he left, I looked over at Dominik. "So does that mean I have my answer?" He questioned smiling broadly. 

          "Well why don't you come over here and kiss me to find out?" 

          He smiled and pulled my lips to his. "Now that is something I can do." 

 

Post 17: Noble Gentleman Make Women Fall

          "Why are you acting weird. I'm not asking from an insecure place. I'm simply curious. You seem like you want to stop this." 
          "Do you want the honest or nice answer?"
          "Honest." There's a nice answer?
          He stopped walking, and turned to face me. "I like girls that are physically fit."
          His words hit me like a slap to the face. Physically fit? That was the reason? I couldn't help myself. I laughed at him. I wasn't about to win any body building contests but I wasn't 600 pounds either. I had a few problem areas, but I was proportionate and damn cute. "That sounds completely shallow. Do we not have chemistry?"
          "We do, but - "
          "Am I easy to talk to?"
          "Absolutely, and - "
          "Do you enjoy spending time with me?"
          "Of course, but - "
          "So, let me get this straight, you don't want this thing between us to grow because being seen with me might ruin your image?"
          "No, it's not that. Look, physical  activity is a large part of my life. Whenever we hang out we don't do anything physical. I can't move forward with someone who doesn't share that with me."
          "Really? You think I don't like playing sports and being outside? That's where I get most of my inspiration from. You never suggested anything like that and you've planned the majority of our 'hang outs.'"
          "You never said that you were interested in things like that."
          "You never asked."
          "Aubree, you had to know that this was the way things would end up. I mean you only like me for my body."
          "Are you freaking serious? Have you not been listening to a word I said or what I wrote in that damned letter? If I ever gave you the impression that all I wanted was your body, then not only do I owe you an apology but I owe myself one too for wasting my time on you. I understand that your reason could be very valid, and yet I can't help but feel that your  making up an excuse for us to stop seeing each other."
           He looked at me and I could tell that he was getting upset. Good. Damn him. We stared at each other for a minute before he spoke. His voice was calm and slightly scary.
          "I'm not making up an excuse, I'm letting you know how I feel. I don't think that we are right for each other."
          "Well that's fine. You can take your feelings and your convictions in your fancy car and drive away. This isn't working for either of us and it's better that we part ways here."

          "I'm not going to do that." 

          "Why not? I'm perfectly capable getting home by myself." 

          "I'm not about to leave you in the middle of nowhere. I would feel responsible if something happened to you." 

          "Oh how noble." I wanted to think of something better to say but nothing quickly came to mind, so I turned around and started walking down the hill. 

          I heard Dominik call out to me. "You can't seriously walk home from here." 

          "Watch me." I snapped back at him without turning my head. 

          The ground was soft beneath my feet and my stick thin heels continued to stick into the ground with each step. My attempt at a confident storm off was turning into an awkward shuffle. Not the image I was hoping to leave. I heard a car door shut behind me. So much for a noble gentleman. He was leaving and I would be all alone. I was too prideful to turn back and go after him. I had spent too much time chasing him, I wasn't about to do it again. That was not going to be the last thought he had of me. 

          As I reached the crest of the next hill I looked back. His car was still at the spot we had parked. The idea that he was sitting in his car watching me infuriated me more. I turned around fast and my heel stuck in the ground. My foot slipped and I tumbled down the hill.
          Every time I touched the ground it hurt. I knew I would have bruises tomorrow. Right before I hit the bottom, I felt something in my leg snap and I yelled in frustration and pain. I landed in an itchy bush.
          I sat there for a second before I got the courage to sit up. My right calf was throbbing, and it appeared shiny in the dim light. I reached forward and felt two little bumps. I screamed louder when I realized that those bumps were two ends of my bone and the shiny liquid was blood. The outside of my vision went foggy and I fell back against the ground. The last thing I remember thinking was how much blood freaks me out. 

Post 20: My Anthem

My best friend is incredible for many reasons, but one of them besides the fact that she puts up with me is her dedication. She's been studying for the ASVAB for a couple of weeks solid. I'm so proud of her. She made a goal and she stuck to it. I want to be like her. So in an effort to do so I've chosen "My Fight Song" to inspire me to be like her and get my life back on track. 

Post 18: Aunt Awesome

Tonight I witnessed a spectacle. It was my cousin's graduation party! It should have been an exciting event where family could mingle with her friends and we could all be there to celebrate her. Unfortunately I couldn't stay very long, but I got to stay long enough to have to go into protective family mode. 

         Trouble was his name. He walked in with a big bouquet of flowers for my aunt and a card for my cousin. My cousin's ex knew how to enter a room. He snuck his way right next to her while her current boyfriend sat there people away. Her friends joked about it but I saw the look in Jake's eyes as his smile went from 60 to 0 in 3 seconds. It wasn't enough that Lane was attractive, he knew it too. That and the ease with which he walked in caught my eye. My cousin Colette hid her face in shame as her mother showed off Lane to anyone who walked in the room. Did Colette's mother acknowledge or brag about Jake? Absolutely not. What happened was completely wrong especially because Lane had dumped my cousin and hard. 

          In my mind, he shouldn't have been invited. Hell, in most cases where parents are considerate about their children's feelings this wouldn't have happened. But my aunt isn't that person. She's a money hungry person who has outlandish standards and expects to run her children's lives for as long as she's alive. I understand that it's part of her culture, but things like that aren't done in my family. Unless she's behind them. Ok, back to the present. 

          The camera rolls as Lane is being shown off like a prized pug and Colette hides her face in shame. My aunt calls for me to meet Lane. I'm infuriated with the fact that my aunt is torturing Colette again. I'm gonna meet Lane all right. 

         I walk straight up to the table and sit my assertive butt down in the chair right next to him. He's eating, but the loyal person I am I don't care. I shove my hand right in his face and introduce myself. His conversation skills were alright and I felt confident as a Capricorn as I talked to him. I didn't care what I Said to him but I am certain I left him with the impression that him being at the party was improper. I was told he left a few minutes after I did. 

        So, I would like to thank my Incredible Aunt for the opportunity to be a complete bitch to somebody. The experience was thoroughly enjoyable. That's what happens in my family. We stick our reputations out for one another because we care. I just wish my aunt would care more about Colette than she does about herself. 

Post 16: Lame Excuses

I've been really tired and lazy. No posts for you or me. :-(

Post 15: Ruling Planet-Desire

     "Ok, here's what's going to happen. Tonight I'm going to take you out. We're going to have a great time and by the end of the night we're going to find a more romantic spot to make out than your car. Afterwards, we will see where the night takes us." He stared at me like I had changed from a caterpillar to a butterfly before his eyes. I could see it in the shock of his gaze. Gone was the meek woman who folded to his whim. Today Ms. Independent and Commanding had arrived in her place. She was the confident in charge type who wouldn't take no for an answer.
     "It looks like I don't have much of a choice here." He laughed charmingly. "Where are we going?"
     "Get in. You'll find out." I felt so in charge, completely in control. As I gripped the steering wheel I felt a rush. There was a first time for everything.
     "Are you feeling alright?" He asked in pseudo concern.
     "I'm great. Why?"
     "I've never seen you like this. It's hot." He chuckled again. "I didn't think you had this in you."
     "That won't be the last time you say that tonight." I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye.
     "How often does this side of you come out to play?" He asked and like always, this questions weighed more than it appeared.
     "Every so often."
     "Why now?"
     I had planned on him asking me that, and the answer was simple. "Because I decided so."

Post 14: Man in the Mirror

Michael Jackson has a way of turning on feelings with a song. He like many other artists have this secret skill. I spent my day binge watching Orange is the New Black. That's pretty lame. I mean I painted my nails something fabulous and made tasty meatball sandwiches, and mowed the lawn, but I basically lounged around all day. That's like a mini commercial for my life. I didn't leave the house today and I guess that's ok sometimes. I could probably claim that I needed the day, that I deserved it,     but hell if we got everything we deserve life would be much different. Some people suffer their entire lives, they fight and climb like hell only to end up in the same place they were in before they started. Others have a pretty blessed life who create their own drama because they are bored with their own pathetic lives. I know which category I feel like I belong in, but it's different for everyone.
     On another note, each day that passes without contact from him makes me both angry and accepting. I accept the fact that life turned out how it should and my life is sucking. At this point, I need to stop avoiding and deal with it.
     Although the future make look bleak, I still have the light of Zumba. That's really when I get to look at the man in the mirror.

Post 13: It Happened!

     For a long time I have wanted to experience the runner's high. Where you push yourself hard and don't feel like you're working out anymore. I tried running. It didn't work. Let's just say that girls like me shouldn't run. We are built more for activities like swimming or dancing. Anyway, tonight I finally felt it, or something like it.
     One of my best friends and I have been going to Zumba together. I love dancing, and my family doesn't. I like shaking my stuff to great songs, and I won't lie, I Wanna Dance With Somebody was written for me. Anyway, Zumba is exhilarating. The first half hour I fell like shit and I wonder when the torture will stop. Once the second half started, the time passed faster than I had ever anticipated. I started having fun with it and singing along to the songs we dance to. It was fun. The old cheerleader part of me took over and I started counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. After I stopped worrying about getting the dance absolutely right it was easier. Plus I ended the class smiling. Is that supposed to happen? I don't know but it was great. I'm really thrilled that my friend pushed me to do this. It may turn my face as red as a raspberry, and make me feel super white, but I love it. I found my "thing" now I don't have to get high on life, I can get high on Zumba.

Post 12: Finally Caught Up!

This is the post that will get me all caught up. I've noticed that the vast majority of my posts are about guys. I am going to stop fixating on something I have no control over. I will be taken seriously as a writer and I refuse to use my precious words to waste time again. No fixation. I'm happy without them. I'm happy and secure without them. I'm happy, secure, and free without them. I'm happy, secure, free, and me without them. I don't need a guy to be happy or complete. In fact, I'm going to take myself out and treat myself to a very nice movie. I'm really going to enjoy it. I'm happy without them. I'm happy and secure without them. I'm happy and secure and free without them. I'm happy, secure, free, and me without them. 

Post 11: Boy Free Summer

My best friend and I have decided to do something this summer. In order to get my mind off of a no win situation she has encouraged me to take control of one area in my life. She's an incredible person and she's also joining me. We have decided to stop focusing on boys this summer. Three whole months with absolutely no romantic interests. So far it has been difficult. I realized that when things aren't working I try to latch onto hopes and dreams of a guy that can solve all of my problems. Sorry but he doesn't exist. I need to train myself to solve my own problems and become my own person. I haven't needed a guy physically and now I am focusing on being my own person mentally. Do I long for a moment when I can call someone my boyfriend, hold hands when walking, and kiss passionately in the rain? Hell yeah! But my life requires my attention right now and I can't waste any precious time focusing on them. Especially when it's not going to happen. If you fixate too closeup on what you think you want you'll just be staring at an ad. Plus, the more people who don't focus on it end up getting a relationship. But oh well. I am an independent woman who doesn't need to fixate on a man/boy to be happy. I'm happy without them. I'm happy and secure without them. I'm happy, secure and free without them. I'm happy, secure, free, and me without them. 

Post 10: Baggage

     Have you ever written topless before? It's a strange feeling, and I'm positive more disorienting for the male counterparts that walk around on the earth. This is what happens when you are behind, tired, and suffer from perpetually dry skin. Oh well, I guess that makes me interesting...

     Recently, I have been watching the show "Baggage" on GSN. As my friend says, it's a train wreck, but a funny train wreck at that. Jerry Springer is the host and is quite funny. The interesting thing he does is a funny bow when he says "Baggage." 

     If I were to be a contestant searching for a date on that show, I would have the following baggage: (I have decided to express these characteristics/history in pictures. I'm not ready to reveal these kinds of things to the world.

Bag #1: 

Bag #2:

Bag #3:

Good Luck Trying To Figure That Out...!

Post 9: New Beginnings

I started a story last week. It's about keeping things between me myself and I, so you won't be hearing about it tonight. Sorry. 

Post 8: Dear Ones

     I just posted my gratitude to my best friend, but I feel compelled to speak tonight about Kelsi and Richard. Kelsi was the daughter of my mother's friend.  In her 20's she in a hit and run accident and died on scene. It's unfortunate that you had to leave us that way. I didn't speak to you much but you carried yourself with such grace and confidence that I looked up to you. Your family obviously loved you and I know that they will miss you as long as they are alive.
     Richard was a neighbor and friend to my grandma. They were close in age and he had several stories to share. I also didn't speak to you much, but I know that my grandma really enjoyed your visits. It was nice for her to have a friend so close. I know she is going to miss you. She'll be in pain for a while. You were one of the last of her friends still alive.
     My mother is distraught tonight. I think she's worried that she could lose one of her children, or the fact that her friend lost her daughter. It's not supposed to go like that. Parents are supposed to be buried by their children, not the other way around. My mother says that death comes in threes and warned my sister and me to be careful. Death is a part of life but it's terrifying. I hope that everyone remains safe and sound and alive. For those that have already left us, I hope your journey home is calm and worth it in the end.

Post 7: My Life Solved

     If you have been paying attention the last few days then you will be well aware that this week has been rough. Because I like to torture myself I kept my problems to myself instead of telling my best friend. I know it was stupid but it was embarrassing and I thought I could deal with it on my own. I couldn't. In fact I needed her to push my butt into gear. Luckily, she's been through this before and she knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. I don't want to be a bump on a log person who does nothing and is a burden to her parents. I want to do something with my life. I'm finding out who I am and who I'm willing to become. 

     To make my dreams a reality, I need to focus on three things: happiness, health, and money. Don't blame me if that was Pinterest inspired. To be happy I will continue writing because things make sense here. I get writing. Stressful and annoying but mind clearing is what writing is to me. But as much as I want to do whatever I want with no consequences, I can't. I need to apply myself to a career that I can work in and make money.  I need something to support me, and I don't plan on marrying rich. I know exactly what I am going to do. So this post is mostly in effort to thank my best friend for being there when I needed her. I'm not a big fan of putting a person's name in my post, but Sierra, you are a rockstar. Thank you. :-)

Post 6: Bleh

     I'm too tired to blog tonight.

Post 5: The Uncertain Future

     A great selection is playing on the radio right now. I wanted to mention that because it almost never happens. I met with an academic advisor today regarding my line up for next fall. According to her, I'll have to replace all of my classes from last year. According to my bank account and current life standing, I can't afford it. My life is super shitty right now, but I need to get over it. It doesn't matter how far down I get as long as I can rise above it. Right? This is the part where someone is supposed to encourage me to get back up on my feet, I find the perfect job that I'll eventually love and  I put my nose to the grindstone in a fancy video montage.
     That's not going to happen. Life sucks and I need to realize it. But like I said it will get better. I just wish it would happen sooner.
     If I didn't have enough to focus on, I'm stuck on what to do. I'm going to talk to my aunt tomorrow and hopefully that will help. Caps aren't very good with vulnerability but she'll understand. She gets me.
     If the answer is what I think it is, I'm going to 1. Congratulate myself on my power of prediction and 2. Get upset. Why do people have to do that? Why do they have to take something so beautiful, even if it's flawed and change it, and make everything change?
     I was fine being trapped in my fantasy land. Yes, I suffered but I was happier than I am now feeling like I'm behind the glass watching the other people. Shit, I want to say something. Right now I am in the mood to be angry and say everything, but I can't. At least right now. I spend the vast majority of my time worrying about other people and bothering them. Damn it! Why? That's what I want to know. My requests were not difficult. Was it so hard to give me what I wanted? In this case I would have preferred a hand out. If I say anything then it's going against the point. Why did he do it? Why did he have to? Why did I torture myself by getting the ball rolling? Why?!?!?!?!? Why the hell am I focusing on this stupid shit when I have the rest of my life to pull together?
     I want to sit and have a girl night and for the first time cry about this. I want to sit in public or in a living room and cry my freaking feelings out. I hate this shit. It's stupid and annoying and a waste of my time. And probably a waste of a blog post.
     For the nobody that reads this stupid things, I'm not continuing my story I started. At least not tonight. I'm too mad to do that. I don't want to waste time on something that won't happen and isn't practical. If he wants to talk to me dammit he'll contact me.
     He won't because: we weren't that close when it would have made a difference, I'm nothing to him, limited time warranty, guilt factor, lack of conversational chemistry and his own ability to get whoever whenever.
     He could because: he likes to have fun. That's it. That is the only reason.
     Am I focusing on this so I avoid my own problems? I like going to sleep with the idea that someone could have those feelings for me. I like the idea. I would so much rather have a freaking fight and hear him saying the truth behind the mask than this eternal guessing game. I guess that's a reason we won't work. Both he and I don't like to share.

Post 4: Turning Clouds into Sunshine

Today was a shitty day. I'm not going to lie: it was. This morning I walked into a meeting and left without my employee I.D. My day wasn't upsetting because I lost my job. I saw it coming and I accepted it. It's a part of the culmination of things that added up today. 

Later in the day I was told that another job of mine will not be renewed next year. So I'm going from three jobs to one that is less part time and more consultant hours. That sucks. 

Physically, I burnt my tongue at lunch and had an altercation with a chair that resulted in a pretty painful bruise. 

Emotionally, I got a text from a person who really annoys me. I'm too afraid of telling them the truth. If I do they could be hurt and my reputation ruined. Then I would get to relive that decision because once I told them how I feel I'd probably see them everywhere. On the other end of the spectrum I learned that one of my friends is a really good kisser. The kind of kisser who gets your heart pumping, emotions rolling, and feminine parts screaming for more. I love being kissed by a good kisser, and I mean a great kisser if they try. Kissing is one of those activities that can turn all of the important senses on and open your eyes to a world unknown. When I used to read romance novels with kissing scenes where the characters used tongue I thought it was disgusting! This huge red thing that belongs in your mouth can't possibly go into someone else's, but oh boy can it! My first tongue kiss was disgusting. I totally felt nothing and was prepared for nothing. My second and plus were much better. 100% improvement. I guess sometimes failing helps you find what you like. Anyway I'm bringing up my incredible kissing experience because I want it to happen again. I was to kiss the person who kissed me last and try something else. Something different hopefully in a good way. Friends don't kiss each other though. Friends talk about their days and tease each other about stupid stuff. Is it possible to have both? I sure hope so. I'm trying to decide what to do in regards to this. Do I initiate something and risk being shut down or stick to the status quo and definition of what the other person wants? Shit, I know what I want to do but I don't know if I can go threw with it. 

Ok, adding this crap into the mix of shit I've been dealing with today, I have begun torturing myself. I'm trying to figure out what the hell to spend my life doing. I love writing. It calms me and telling stories is fun. But I fight the practical world that says you need a practical passion. I want to write and spend my life writing. If I give everything for writing then I risk losing everything. If I play it safe then I'll be boring my entire life. It's super simple to rationalize my life this way but I don't care. Plus I have to find a major. I was considering dance because I like to dance but I've never been good at it before. I don't have a dancers body. But I bet it would be interesting. 

Did I mention I didn't finish my sisters homework? No? Well just another thing added to the plate. 

That was my day. Heck my life. I don't know what direction I'm going but I'm going to keep in mind my 10 commandments and see what I can turn my life into. 

I named this post turning clouds into sunshine because I spent about half my day wondering how I was going to find a positive spin on my troubles. I realized that this is like a blank slate. Everything that has happened is a way for me to start fresh and new. Like a newborn I can feel my way around in this confusing way called life and create the kind of story I want. I don't need kisses to make that happen, although they are certainly welcome.