A great selection is playing on the radio right now. I wanted to mention that because it almost never happens. I met with an academic advisor today regarding my line up for next fall. According to her, I'll have to replace all of my classes from last year. According to my bank account and current life standing, I can't afford it. My life is super shitty right now, but I need to get over it. It doesn't matter how far down I get as long as I can rise above it. Right? This is the part where someone is supposed to encourage me to get back up on my feet, I find the perfect job that I'll eventually love and I put my nose to the grindstone in a fancy video montage.
That's not going to happen. Life sucks and I need to realize it. But like I said it will get better. I just wish it would happen sooner.
If I didn't have enough to focus on, I'm stuck on what to do. I'm going to talk to my aunt tomorrow and hopefully that will help. Caps aren't very good with vulnerability but she'll understand. She gets me.
If the answer is what I think it is, I'm going to 1. Congratulate myself on my power of prediction and 2. Get upset. Why do people have to do that? Why do they have to take something so beautiful, even if it's flawed and change it, and make everything change?
I was fine being trapped in my fantasy land. Yes, I suffered but I was happier than I am now feeling like I'm behind the glass watching the other people. Shit, I want to say something. Right now I am in the mood to be angry and say everything, but I can't. At least right now. I spend the vast majority of my time worrying about other people and bothering them. Damn it! Why? That's what I want to know. My requests were not difficult. Was it so hard to give me what I wanted? In this case I would have preferred a hand out. If I say anything then it's going against the point. Why did he do it? Why did he have to? Why did I torture myself by getting the ball rolling? Why?!?!?!?!? Why the hell am I focusing on this stupid shit when I have the rest of my life to pull together?
I want to sit and have a girl night and for the first time cry about this. I want to sit in public or in a living room and cry my freaking feelings out. I hate this shit. It's stupid and annoying and a waste of my time. And probably a waste of a blog post.
For the nobody that reads this stupid things, I'm not continuing my story I started. At least not tonight. I'm too mad to do that. I don't want to waste time on something that won't happen and isn't practical. If he wants to talk to me dammit he'll contact me.
He won't because: we weren't that close when it would have made a difference, I'm nothing to him, limited time warranty, guilt factor, lack of conversational chemistry and his own ability to get whoever whenever.
He could because: he likes to have fun. That's it. That is the only reason.
Am I focusing on this so I avoid my own problems? I like going to sleep with the idea that someone could have those feelings for me. I like the idea. I would so much rather have a freaking fight and hear him saying the truth behind the mask than this eternal guessing game. I guess that's a reason we won't work. Both he and I don't like to share.
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