A great selection is playing on the radio right now. I wanted to mention that because it almost never happens. I met with an academic advisor today regarding my line up for next fall. According to her, I'll have to replace all of my classes from last year. According to my bank account and current life standing, I can't afford it. My life is super shitty right now, but I need to get over it. It doesn't matter how far down I get as long as I can rise above it. Right? This is the part where someone is supposed to encourage me to get back up on my feet, I find the perfect job that I'll eventually love and I put my nose to the grindstone in a fancy video montage.
That's not going to happen. Life sucks and I need to realize it. But like I said it will get better. I just wish it would happen sooner.
If I didn't have enough to focus on, I'm stuck on what to do. I'm going to talk to my aunt tomorrow and hopefully that will help. Caps aren't very good with vulnerability but she'll understand. She gets me.
If the answer is what I think it is, I'm going to 1. Congratulate myself on my power of prediction and 2. Get upset. Why do people have to do that? Why do they have to take something so beautiful, even if it's flawed and change it, and make everything change?
I was fine being trapped in my fantasy land. Yes, I suffered but I was happier than I am now feeling like I'm behind the glass watching the other people. Shit, I want to say something. Right now I am in the mood to be angry and say everything, but I can't. At least right now. I spend the vast majority of my time worrying about other people and bothering them. Damn it! Why? That's what I want to know. My requests were not difficult. Was it so hard to give me what I wanted? In this case I would have preferred a hand out. If I say anything then it's going against the point. Why did he do it? Why did he have to? Why did I torture myself by getting the ball rolling? Why?!?!?!?!? Why the hell am I focusing on this stupid shit when I have the rest of my life to pull together?
I want to sit and have a girl night and for the first time cry about this. I want to sit in public or in a living room and cry my freaking feelings out. I hate this shit. It's stupid and annoying and a waste of my time. And probably a waste of a blog post.
For the nobody that reads this stupid things, I'm not continuing my story I started. At least not tonight. I'm too mad to do that. I don't want to waste time on something that won't happen and isn't practical. If he wants to talk to me dammit he'll contact me.
He won't because: we weren't that close when it would have made a difference, I'm nothing to him, limited time warranty, guilt factor, lack of conversational chemistry and his own ability to get whoever whenever.
He could because: he likes to have fun. That's it. That is the only reason.
Am I focusing on this so I avoid my own problems? I like going to sleep with the idea that someone could have those feelings for me. I like the idea. I would so much rather have a freaking fight and hear him saying the truth behind the mask than this eternal guessing game. I guess that's a reason we won't work. Both he and I don't like to share.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Post 4: Turning Clouds into Sunshine
Today was a shitty day. I'm not going to lie: it was. This morning I walked into a meeting and left without my employee I.D. My day wasn't upsetting because I lost my job. I saw it coming and I accepted it. It's a part of the culmination of things that added up today.
Later in the day I was told that another job of mine will not be renewed next year. So I'm going from three jobs to one that is less part time and more consultant hours. That sucks.
Physically, I burnt my tongue at lunch and had an altercation with a chair that resulted in a pretty painful bruise.
Emotionally, I got a text from a person who really annoys me. I'm too afraid of telling them the truth. If I do they could be hurt and my reputation ruined. Then I would get to relive that decision because once I told them how I feel I'd probably see them everywhere. On the other end of the spectrum I learned that one of my friends is a really good kisser. The kind of kisser who gets your heart pumping, emotions rolling, and feminine parts screaming for more. I love being kissed by a good kisser, and I mean a great kisser if they try. Kissing is one of those activities that can turn all of the important senses on and open your eyes to a world unknown. When I used to read romance novels with kissing scenes where the characters used tongue I thought it was disgusting! This huge red thing that belongs in your mouth can't possibly go into someone else's, but oh boy can it! My first tongue kiss was disgusting. I totally felt nothing and was prepared for nothing. My second and plus were much better. 100% improvement. I guess sometimes failing helps you find what you like. Anyway I'm bringing up my incredible kissing experience because I want it to happen again. I was to kiss the person who kissed me last and try something else. Something different hopefully in a good way. Friends don't kiss each other though. Friends talk about their days and tease each other about stupid stuff. Is it possible to have both? I sure hope so. I'm trying to decide what to do in regards to this. Do I initiate something and risk being shut down or stick to the status quo and definition of what the other person wants? Shit, I know what I want to do but I don't know if I can go threw with it.
Ok, adding this crap into the mix of shit I've been dealing with today, I have begun torturing myself. I'm trying to figure out what the hell to spend my life doing. I love writing. It calms me and telling stories is fun. But I fight the practical world that says you need a practical passion. I want to write and spend my life writing. If I give everything for writing then I risk losing everything. If I play it safe then I'll be boring my entire life. It's super simple to rationalize my life this way but I don't care. Plus I have to find a major. I was considering dance because I like to dance but I've never been good at it before. I don't have a dancers body. But I bet it would be interesting.
Did I mention I didn't finish my sisters homework? No? Well just another thing added to the plate.
That was my day. Heck my life. I don't know what direction I'm going but I'm going to keep in mind my 10 commandments and see what I can turn my life into.
I named this post turning clouds into sunshine because I spent about half my day wondering how I was going to find a positive spin on my troubles. I realized that this is like a blank slate. Everything that has happened is a way for me to start fresh and new. Like a newborn I can feel my way around in this confusing way called life and create the kind of story I want. I don't need kisses to make that happen, although they are certainly welcome.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Post 3: Nails, and a Bedtime Story
Tonight I learned a very valuable lesson: You can do whatever you want. Let me follow this statement with context. For years, my sister has been into doing nails. She's actually quite good and she has the patience for it. I like my nails done, but I haven't been doing them because she can do them better than I can. I know its stupid, but I've been of the mind that if someone is good at something like that, then its just better to let them do the art for you. I know that's stupid because now I realize I can do my own nails just as good as my sister can. I spent four hours trying to get my nails the way I wanted them, and they look damn good. I'll post a picture tomorrow once they are all cleaned up. Now...story time!
It's a dark but not so stormy night. Alice's family is out of town and she is home alone. It's a perfect night for her plan. After getting cleaned up, she calls Nick. Her heart is beating as the phone continues to ring. Just when she thinks it's going to go to voicemail, he answers the phone.
"Hello...?"
"Hi Nick. Are you free tonight?" She says confidently as she silently prays for him to say yes.
Chatter is heard over the phone, one of his brothers talking to him about something. "Umm...yeah. What's up?"
She smiles happily. "Do you want to have some fun?"
He chuckles. "What do you mean by fun?"
"That's for me to know and for you to try to figure out."
He's laughing again. "I think your definition of fun and my definition of fun are two different things."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Have you eaten? I believe I owe you dinner."
"Nope."
"What do you say? Wanna do dinner and have some fun? Two birds with one stone?" She asks him nonchalantly.
The phone is silent for a minute. "Sure. Are you going to tell me where you want to eat?"
"I guess you can know that information. I was thinking of this burger joint called Steak & Shake. How does that suit ya?" Wow. She was impressed with her own ability to stay calm and out of flirty mode. Nick was just a friend. That's what he said he wanted. She was ok with that. She just wanted one thing from him, and she was willing to bet if he was willing to join her tonight, he was willing to give her what she wanted.
"That sounds great. Where do you want to meet?"
"We don't have to meet anywhere, I can swing by and pick you up."
Just as she imagined he would, he declined the idea. "Nah, where do you wanna meet?"
"How about the park across from Maverik say about 15 minutes?"
"Umm...ok. See you there in a few minutes."
"See you soon Nick." She hung up the phone with a smile on her face. Everything was going according to plan.
To be continued...
Post 2: What I Want
I have to deal with the real world on Monday. This is the world where I don't get anything handed to me and where I have to face my inadequacies. For those of you who don't know, I started a new job three weeks ago. I had three weeks to prove myself and show that I could accurately proceed as the certificate on my wall states. To put it bluntly, I'm not sure how I did.
My preceptor stated that he felt we had been on the same page for most of the trial weeks, and I agree with him. He also said that I'm good if I'm told exactly what to do. I don't know what that means for my future with the company. I'm afraid that they'll fire me for not being able to do my job. But my silver lining is the hope that they will look past all that and offer me an option in a different department. I really hope they send me to the land of three letters, heck I'd even settle for the state of two names, but I don't want to leave. I just got my paycheck for working a full week, and I'm positive that if I was a cartoon my eyes would have popped out of my head. You can definitely afford to live on a paycheck like that. Don't ask me exact numbers, most of this post is meant to be vague. Although the check is great, I wonder if I really belong in that world.
I feel like I don't grasp what is really going on. I get to work and my brain is scattered with excitement and nervousness. It's different each time. Part of me thinks that I'm shying away from a challenge, but let's say that I stay at my current job. What do I do for the rest of my life?
I like writing and helping people, but right now it's not something that can pay my bills. I don't know if I'll ever make money by typing on my computer, but I need to find something to do. I've been getting socially shamed for my behavior these last two semesters in college. I'm better than the failing grades. I'm better than this person I've become. I don't want to be this person who sits on her butt doing nothing because TV is better. It's not. It's a box that allows you to see into the lives of other people, but prevents you from living your own life.
I don't want that anymore. There are ten things that I want in my life right now:
1. To go back to school, get my G.P.A. up and figure out what do do with my life.
2. To be daring and fearless.
3. To write like a crazy person.
4. To become the kind of friend that can be depended on.
5. To have a 2 minute, 2 minute, 2 mile body.
6. To make my bed everyday.
7. To be given another chance at work.
8. To be debt free.
9. To find a guy that can compliment me.
10. To go on an adventure.
Those are my pseudo-10 Commandments, for tonight at least. I know the first one is on the cheating end of the spectrum but I don't care. I really want to do the ten things I listed above.
I'll keep you updated. :-)
Oh, one last thought before I go. Today I went to a tattoo parlor. Yes, I your Kameleon am thinking about getting a tattoo. Who would have guessed? Anyway, my sister in her wise way advised me to make it meaningful. Well, I found the perfect way to do that, and it fits right in the branches of one of my ten commandments. I hope you like hidden messages.
My preceptor stated that he felt we had been on the same page for most of the trial weeks, and I agree with him. He also said that I'm good if I'm told exactly what to do. I don't know what that means for my future with the company. I'm afraid that they'll fire me for not being able to do my job. But my silver lining is the hope that they will look past all that and offer me an option in a different department. I really hope they send me to the land of three letters, heck I'd even settle for the state of two names, but I don't want to leave. I just got my paycheck for working a full week, and I'm positive that if I was a cartoon my eyes would have popped out of my head. You can definitely afford to live on a paycheck like that. Don't ask me exact numbers, most of this post is meant to be vague. Although the check is great, I wonder if I really belong in that world.
I feel like I don't grasp what is really going on. I get to work and my brain is scattered with excitement and nervousness. It's different each time. Part of me thinks that I'm shying away from a challenge, but let's say that I stay at my current job. What do I do for the rest of my life?
I like writing and helping people, but right now it's not something that can pay my bills. I don't know if I'll ever make money by typing on my computer, but I need to find something to do. I've been getting socially shamed for my behavior these last two semesters in college. I'm better than the failing grades. I'm better than this person I've become. I don't want to be this person who sits on her butt doing nothing because TV is better. It's not. It's a box that allows you to see into the lives of other people, but prevents you from living your own life.
I don't want that anymore. There are ten things that I want in my life right now:
1. To go back to school, get my G.P.A. up and figure out what do do with my life.
2. To be daring and fearless.
3. To write like a crazy person.
4. To become the kind of friend that can be depended on.
5. To have a 2 minute, 2 minute, 2 mile body.
6. To make my bed everyday.
7. To be given another chance at work.
8. To be debt free.
9. To find a guy that can compliment me.
10. To go on an adventure.
Those are my pseudo-10 Commandments, for tonight at least. I know the first one is on the cheating end of the spectrum but I don't care. I really want to do the ten things I listed above.
I'll keep you updated. :-)
Oh, one last thought before I go. Today I went to a tattoo parlor. Yes, I your Kameleon am thinking about getting a tattoo. Who would have guessed? Anyway, my sister in her wise way advised me to make it meaningful. Well, I found the perfect way to do that, and it fits right in the branches of one of my ten commandments. I hope you like hidden messages.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
100 Days, 100 Posts
Post 1:
I've recently been thinking about what I should do with my life. I've always considered myself a writer although I've gone weeks without writing and been okay. I don't want to do that anymore. I have stories in my head and I need to stop being selfish and share them.
Every great writer suffered. Stephen King had a drug/alcohol problem. Sylvia Plath was mentally ill. Mary Shelley fought tooth and nail to have her books published. The only thing I have in common with these great writers is the desire to write. When I put a pen to a piece of paper or my fingers to a keyboard the world makes sense. Call it a back/white thing but my life and thoughts are clear here. I can spit everything out and rearrange it until it makes sense. But I'm not going to explain my writing process or routine because I don't have one. I'm like a little kid saying I want to be a ballerina and not doing anything to make that work. I don't do shit towards my dream. Writing a novel isn't something that falls out of the sky. Like any great relationship it has to be constantly tended.
Many people I know are doing great things with their lives, or plan to accomplish great things. I don't necessarily feel that way. I'm a very proud person and I aspire to do great things, but I'm going to put my fingers where my mouth is. I've decided to do something towards making my dream a reality. A small step on the road to discovering who I am and who I can become; I'm going to spend the next 100 days posting on this blog. Now I know a lot of the people who followed my blog were just high school classmates that were supposed to, but I don't care. I don't care if what I says offends someone, I'm going to do this for me. Gone is the polite girl who hesitates about saying what she feels. Gone is the person who is afraid of a shadow of reality. For the next 100 days I'm going to bear my soul to the Internet and find out if I'm really cut out to be an author. Wish me luck!
Monday, May 4, 2015
Settle...
I once got a fortune cookie that read something like this:
"Once you settle, you will find true happiness."
I showed it to my mother who scoffed and said, "Well that's obvious." On the surface, I got it. In theory it works, but today I got a sense of the theory put into use.
For the past month I have been swamped or at least emotionally swamped. I had three major tests to pass for AEMT, a job interview, an entrance exam, a strength test, EVOC testing, and a two day course with yet another test to pass. On the church side of things, I had Confirmation coming up and a meeting for the Synod. At home, my house became a reflection of my life: a cluttered floor and lack of energy to do anything. Plus I started writing again. You'll notice of course that college was not mentioned. It was the thing that took a back seat while the rest of my life funneled out of control. A fact it slightly remains as I have no self control and spend my mornings and nights watching tv. It's stupid what has happened recently.
To add to all that, I've been rethinking my life. (Again, not a cry for help.) I've been rethinking my career. From the time I was little I assumed I would be a writer, and although I'm not exactly 'living the dream' I have been writing more, and as Jaycob was telling me, "Anyone can be a writer. I write a paper I'm a writer." Ok, so I'm a writer, but I want to be an author. I want to see my books on the library shelves being enjoyed by other readers who need an escape. Writing has been my escape. When I'm ditching class or work I come to the library, the home of the written and shared word, and write or read (which I've been told is a tool to help you write better). I love it there. It's like a word factory where written words are the preferred method of communication and spoken words are an afterthought. It's my safe haven. Here nobody knows who I am (may be a slight exaggeration), nobody has expectations for me (excluding myself), and I am free to be whatever, and go wherever I want. As much as I love it here I can't stay here forever. I have to return to the world of the AEMT Catholic TA college student that hasn't seen the inside of the office for over two weeks.
I got my job at the district 1. Because I asked for it. and 2. To work 15 hours while I was still in school getting my degree. I don't know how much longer I'll be working there. The truth is my work hasn't met my high expectations, and I don't know what I'm doing for school next year.
This morning as I was getting ready I thought about all of the different directions my life could go. I could be a biology teacher ( I always ask the question "Does that make sense?" which sounds like a teachery thing to do and I like the human body. I've been told I am a great lesson planner, and simply people tell me I should be a teacher.) , I could be a schedule planner or assistant (I like taking administrative orders from people. I like feeling needed, and I'm a good schedule planner.) , or I could be an AEMT forever. In all seriousness I don't see myself being a good teacher, I'm too much of a people pleaser. A schedule planner is almost a good fit, until you realize I'd be late to everything. I like helping people as an AEMT, but I can't see myself in this career forever. I felt lost this morning. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be an author anymore. That's when the 3 cm x 1 cm fortune cookie hit me. I don't need to keep changing my mind. If I settle, I'll be happy.
For those of you who know me, you know I'm not good at the settling thing. I moved from academy to academy dubbing myself the academy slut. My interest in guys went all over the place, and I never really had an all too serious relationship with the guys I liked. (Not being bitter, just stating a fact.) During get togethers I moved from group to group always finding a way to entertain myself. Looking back now, I think it would've been better to just stay put. That's what I'm going to try in my career too.
I want to be an author. That hasn't changed. I want to help people and I like driving. Perfect job as an AEMT. That's still the same. What has changed is my thinking. I'm not going to worry about my future. It's just going to stress me out. I'm going to take three months and write while I save lives. If I like it I'll stay. If I don't, well in three months I'll reevaluate then and get back to you. The theme of the day is settle because when your not bustling around going with the flow of the wind, you can turn this:
"Once you settle, you will find true happiness."
I showed it to my mother who scoffed and said, "Well that's obvious." On the surface, I got it. In theory it works, but today I got a sense of the theory put into use.
For the past month I have been swamped or at least emotionally swamped. I had three major tests to pass for AEMT, a job interview, an entrance exam, a strength test, EVOC testing, and a two day course with yet another test to pass. On the church side of things, I had Confirmation coming up and a meeting for the Synod. At home, my house became a reflection of my life: a cluttered floor and lack of energy to do anything. Plus I started writing again. You'll notice of course that college was not mentioned. It was the thing that took a back seat while the rest of my life funneled out of control. A fact it slightly remains as I have no self control and spend my mornings and nights watching tv. It's stupid what has happened recently.
To add to all that, I've been rethinking my life. (Again, not a cry for help.) I've been rethinking my career. From the time I was little I assumed I would be a writer, and although I'm not exactly 'living the dream' I have been writing more, and as Jaycob was telling me, "Anyone can be a writer. I write a paper I'm a writer." Ok, so I'm a writer, but I want to be an author. I want to see my books on the library shelves being enjoyed by other readers who need an escape. Writing has been my escape. When I'm ditching class or work I come to the library, the home of the written and shared word, and write or read (which I've been told is a tool to help you write better). I love it there. It's like a word factory where written words are the preferred method of communication and spoken words are an afterthought. It's my safe haven. Here nobody knows who I am (may be a slight exaggeration), nobody has expectations for me (excluding myself), and I am free to be whatever, and go wherever I want. As much as I love it here I can't stay here forever. I have to return to the world of the AEMT Catholic TA college student that hasn't seen the inside of the office for over two weeks.
I got my job at the district 1. Because I asked for it. and 2. To work 15 hours while I was still in school getting my degree. I don't know how much longer I'll be working there. The truth is my work hasn't met my high expectations, and I don't know what I'm doing for school next year.
This morning as I was getting ready I thought about all of the different directions my life could go. I could be a biology teacher ( I always ask the question "Does that make sense?" which sounds like a teachery thing to do and I like the human body. I've been told I am a great lesson planner, and simply people tell me I should be a teacher.) , I could be a schedule planner or assistant (I like taking administrative orders from people. I like feeling needed, and I'm a good schedule planner.) , or I could be an AEMT forever. In all seriousness I don't see myself being a good teacher, I'm too much of a people pleaser. A schedule planner is almost a good fit, until you realize I'd be late to everything. I like helping people as an AEMT, but I can't see myself in this career forever. I felt lost this morning. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be an author anymore. That's when the 3 cm x 1 cm fortune cookie hit me. I don't need to keep changing my mind. If I settle, I'll be happy.
For those of you who know me, you know I'm not good at the settling thing. I moved from academy to academy dubbing myself the academy slut. My interest in guys went all over the place, and I never really had an all too serious relationship with the guys I liked. (Not being bitter, just stating a fact.) During get togethers I moved from group to group always finding a way to entertain myself. Looking back now, I think it would've been better to just stay put. That's what I'm going to try in my career too.
I want to be an author. That hasn't changed. I want to help people and I like driving. Perfect job as an AEMT. That's still the same. What has changed is my thinking. I'm not going to worry about my future. It's just going to stress me out. I'm going to take three months and write while I save lives. If I like it I'll stay. If I don't, well in three months I'll reevaluate then and get back to you. The theme of the day is settle because when your not bustling around going with the flow of the wind, you can turn this:
Into this:
Which is really want I want after all.
Death
I was really lucky to watch the new Avenger's movie this weekend with some great friends. I won't spoil it for all of you that haven't seen it. I'll just mention that at a point in the movie I felt a terrifying sense that my own death is possible. It seems silly at this age to think of death. In your twenties the general idea is people will make stupid decision and do stupid things that they can tell their kids about before they shuffle off this mortal coil; yet I can't help but face death.
In that moment, I wondered what we are doing here. I grew up Catholic and the religious answer is simply: To Know God, To Love God, and To Serve God. That makes sense I guess but I don't want to spend my whole life dedicated to this idea. I want to do stupid things, make bad decisions and live. I can't help but think that way as a result of the current culture. But what happens after? Ok, so you've made all your stupid choices, your dumb mistakes and lived. What now?
Death is a real thing and its freaking scary. One day that will be all of us. We will no longer be here. In that moment I wanted to run to the nearest nunnery and spend the rest of my life tucked in a tight little corner of the world praying for a great eternity. At this point in my life I still have unanswered questions about God, yet I wanted the security of knowing something was out there for me. I'm not going to lie, I think about death and I'm terrified. I don't want to die young, in pain, before I've accomplished anything, or at all. But I guess that's the one certain thing in life: death.
*Please note that this is not a cry for help. I am not suicidal. Suicide is a horrible way to go, and I have absolutely not even considered it. This is a post about my quandaries with death itself. So for those of you who wish to comment or talk to me and tell me that your there for me, thank you for your support but save it for a time or person who really needs it. This is not one of those times.
In that moment, I wondered what we are doing here. I grew up Catholic and the religious answer is simply: To Know God, To Love God, and To Serve God. That makes sense I guess but I don't want to spend my whole life dedicated to this idea. I want to do stupid things, make bad decisions and live. I can't help but think that way as a result of the current culture. But what happens after? Ok, so you've made all your stupid choices, your dumb mistakes and lived. What now?
Death is a real thing and its freaking scary. One day that will be all of us. We will no longer be here. In that moment I wanted to run to the nearest nunnery and spend the rest of my life tucked in a tight little corner of the world praying for a great eternity. At this point in my life I still have unanswered questions about God, yet I wanted the security of knowing something was out there for me. I'm not going to lie, I think about death and I'm terrified. I don't want to die young, in pain, before I've accomplished anything, or at all. But I guess that's the one certain thing in life: death.
*Please note that this is not a cry for help. I am not suicidal. Suicide is a horrible way to go, and I have absolutely not even considered it. This is a post about my quandaries with death itself. So for those of you who wish to comment or talk to me and tell me that your there for me, thank you for your support but save it for a time or person who really needs it. This is not one of those times.
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