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| Signatures & CTE Thank You Gift
The people in this office have changed my life and I want to thank them for everything they have done for me and my fellow classmates.
*Additional picture coming up in an another post.
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Sunday, August 23, 2015
Post 82: Project Reveal!
Hello everyone! I've been working on a little art project that I'm really proud of.
Post 81: What I Want
Tonight I am dealing with a decision. I want to change Griffin and Audrey's story or what I have so far because it is not the way I wanted it to come out. I want my characters to be strong and not whiny. I want them to have real life to deal with and not this three month vacation I've put them on. Audrey is a strong girl because of her secret past. Griffin is strong because his father taught him to be but in this story he will learn if he truly is strong. I'm concerned because I don't know where they should meet or how life is going to throw them together. I'm also afraid because I don't know if I'm talented enough to get a book published. But tonight is not about fear. It is about decisions. I have recently decided to stop being afraid. When I realize I'm afraid of something, I'm going to write it down on a post it and rip it up. It seems silly, but I want to stop being comfortable and afraid.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Post 80: Just An Opening Idea....
The world knew her as Princess Ariella of the royal family of Peresis. To her tutor she was Your Highness, her mother called her Darling. I called her my best friend. Princess Ari and I were born on the same day nearly ten minutes apart. Unfortunately we came into the world as my mother left, dying from complications of childbirth. This isn't a story of my life growing up without a mother, many people don't have mothers. This story is about how I gave up my life for my best friend. It's important that I talk about the past because if it wasn't for the past I wouldn't be here. My story started years before I was born.
It's common knowledge for anyone who has studied the history of the seven kingdoms that technology was the destruction of human kind. Once the war was over, humans had to reestablish their presence on the earth. Kingdoms were created dividing the world into smaller lands. The Kingdom of Persis, or last known as the United States of America, became Chancellor over the new world. Persis has a very peaceful history which is largely due to the quality of leaders in the royal family, but additionally their personal guards.
Just an opening idea....
Post 79: Opening for Futuristic Lovestory
I don't want to admit it, but magic is everywhere. It's the one thing that holds all of the chaos of earth together. I didn't believe in magic, hell I didn't believe in a lot of things but I wasn't taught to. I was taught one very simple concept: her life was the most important thing in my world, and I had to do whatever it took to make sure she lived, even if that meant giving my life for hers.
Post 77: Reflection Time
I haven't written in a day. I thought it was three, but it was just one. Surprisingly, I feel depressed. I imagine that if a psychologist were to look at my life, they would worry. In three months I have gone from having a secure future to losing jobs, having absolutely no desire to do the things I have committed to do, and soon I'll lose my best friend. It's kinda pathetic that this is near rock bottom for me. I know I am so much more than this, but I've yet to get out of this rut. I haven't applied to any jobs and sit on my couch noticing how large my legs are getting with an internal desire to get up and do something but an inner voice that 's much louder than my motivation.
I've been doing some research online. And when I say research I mean a fifteen minute search about finding a purpose. I saw some pretty interesting articles. After I was reading them I realized I'm tired of this monotony I'm putting myself through. I'm done letting my fear rule my life. I'm getting a tattoo, I'm traveling on the coast, and I'm writing. That's what I'm spending my life doing, the in-between stuff just won't matter.
I've been doing some research online. And when I say research I mean a fifteen minute search about finding a purpose. I saw some pretty interesting articles. After I was reading them I realized I'm tired of this monotony I'm putting myself through. I'm done letting my fear rule my life. I'm getting a tattoo, I'm traveling on the coast, and I'm writing. That's what I'm spending my life doing, the in-between stuff just won't matter.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Post 76: Free Spirit
I am a free spirit; or so one of my closest friends said yesterday afternoon. I had always viewed myself as a serious person and I thought that was how others would find me. In my mind, free spirits were people to be envied. They were awe inspiring and always did what they wanted. I like that I had been proven wrong. Later that day I realized that I can be both free spirited and serious, it just comes down to choice.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Post 75: 3/4 Mark
I'm very excited about this post. It marks the completion of 3/4 of what I set out to accomplish. I look forward to the 25 remaining posts I am going to complete to reach my goal of 100 posts in 100 days! Originally I considered breaking today into two posts, but as the "master" writer that I am I am going to combine both of the things I need to say into one post. I got my first part done already, now I am going to talk about the dream I had last night.
I really like dreams; especially when I can remember them. Last night my dream encompassed an amusement park. I wasn't sure where I was but it was...a lake! We were driving to a lake and we went to the right side. Eventually we ran up against a fence to our right and met acquaintances. We spoke but nothing of importance. Then as we were leaving we got to an amusement park or another public space that people were walking. The next vivid part of the dream I remember is seeing two faces. One was the thin face of a man who had black facial hair running from the tip of his ear down around his mouth. Then I saw a friend named Brent. The very next thing I felt was a warming embrace. I saw Brent's face before this happened, and felt a guy wrap his arms around me. The PDA wasn't as off putting as I had anticipated. I felt like I belonged to him in the charming and not creepy way. Then he grabbed my hand and we walked out of the place. We met up with his friend and went into this alley where he lived. We were stopped by a law enforcement officer asking us about something we were hiding. We got through unscathed and went into his apartment room. Him and his friend allowed us to grab a granola bar. Then we were off.
We went walking down town. His hand was in mine, and I was smiling. Eventually we made it to a store with never ending shelves. Shampoo and conditioner adorned the shelves and he and I picked out some. Throughout the night it appeared we were running errands for him. I didn't mind. I was just happy to be with him.
I have no idea what this dream means, but it was incredible to participate in it. Do I wish that part of it was founded in truth of what the future holds? Absolutely. I don't know a girl who wouldn't want to feel the way I was feeling in the dream; yet I am not going to obsess or try to find a meaning in it. I'm going to hold onto the memory of the experience itself.
I really like dreams; especially when I can remember them. Last night my dream encompassed an amusement park. I wasn't sure where I was but it was...a lake! We were driving to a lake and we went to the right side. Eventually we ran up against a fence to our right and met acquaintances. We spoke but nothing of importance. Then as we were leaving we got to an amusement park or another public space that people were walking. The next vivid part of the dream I remember is seeing two faces. One was the thin face of a man who had black facial hair running from the tip of his ear down around his mouth. Then I saw a friend named Brent. The very next thing I felt was a warming embrace. I saw Brent's face before this happened, and felt a guy wrap his arms around me. The PDA wasn't as off putting as I had anticipated. I felt like I belonged to him in the charming and not creepy way. Then he grabbed my hand and we walked out of the place. We met up with his friend and went into this alley where he lived. We were stopped by a law enforcement officer asking us about something we were hiding. We got through unscathed and went into his apartment room. Him and his friend allowed us to grab a granola bar. Then we were off.
We went walking down town. His hand was in mine, and I was smiling. Eventually we made it to a store with never ending shelves. Shampoo and conditioner adorned the shelves and he and I picked out some. Throughout the night it appeared we were running errands for him. I didn't mind. I was just happy to be with him.
I have no idea what this dream means, but it was incredible to participate in it. Do I wish that part of it was founded in truth of what the future holds? Absolutely. I don't know a girl who wouldn't want to feel the way I was feeling in the dream; yet I am not going to obsess or try to find a meaning in it. I'm going to hold onto the memory of the experience itself.
Post 74: Close Call
Sometimes I think that I won't be good at anything. I'll sit deep in thought and wonder what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'll fixate on something and decide that is what I'm going to do, but then balk at the first sign of doubt. I doubt myself way too much. I tell myself that I will be horrible at something and because of it I don't try. I almost didn't write this post because I told myself that I couldn't do it. Whatever I wrote was going to be stupid and dumb and something nobody wanted to read. I wish I had told my subconscious something witty but I just told it to shut up and started writing. I need to be more firm with that part of myself. Who put insecure me in a corner? Oh, that would be it's assertive counterpart: ME!
Post 73: All Too Real
My best friend made a decision to change her life; she enlisted for the military. Sierra is not the person you would peg as a military recruit. She says what is on her mind and doesn't care if it offends. She has an incredibly supportive family and is very blessed. In a month she won't be with them anymore. When she started talking about joining I listened and was happy for her, but I didn't think much of it. I forgot to account for her commitment to her goals. Now that her departure date is approaching I can't help my own anxiety. For the majority of my life she's been at arm's length, ready to help if needed. We haven't always been close, but in the past few years I've come to depend on her more and more. I'm a naturally independent person and to have a friend this close is rare. She pushes me to get out of my box. I'm scared of being here without her. With nearly a month to go before she leaves for boot camp I'm just now grasping the reality of the situation. She's set to leave and if everything continues to go according to plan nothing will stop her from taking off. I know that without her life will continue on, I'll be forced to make new friends and open myself up to people. I'm going to miss her, I just wish there was an easier way to deal with saying goodbye.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Post 72: Throw Back Tuesday Anyone?
It's days like this that I think of you. I think of your arms, your muscles making a perfect bubble at your bicep. I think of your soft skin and how badly I want you to wrap your arms around me.
I never told you what I feel. I was and am afraid to. You are living a life far away from me and meeting incredible people that are probably more interesting than I am. I don't blame you, but I want to spend time with you. I want you to know the truth, even if it makes me sound desperate and stupid and immature.
I don't want to stop thinking about you. That night you showed me something that I didn't even know was there. I had never done most of those things that I had done with you before. Did you take other girls to the Chocolate Bar? Did you normally take other girls driving like that? I can't help but feel special. I also couldn't help the tear that fell down my face today when I was thinking about you. Singing that song, I don't even remember which song it was, all I know is I feel a powerful connection to you. My stomach gets in knots when I think about you too long. I think its from longing to tell you how I feel. I tried the cop out way of doing it, I honestly did. I was told it was stupid but I don't care. I wanted to tell you so bad. I wanted to tell you everything but I was terrified. I don't want to look desperate, but there are nights when nothing goes right and I think of you.
My actions are pathetic. They truly are. You kissed me and I kissed you back. There is nothing to be said besides that. You said it felt right. You didn't say you had feelings for me. You didn't say anything beyond that. Bothering you in Boston is stupid but I can't help imagining what it would be like to be with you. I think about you all the time and I wish you were here so I, ha there it is that fateful I. I don't say I'm in love with you because love would mean wishing your happiness even at the cost of my own. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but I want to be happy too.
I have never felt this way towards anyone else. I want to hope that you had/have feelings for me but I know how far fetched that idea is. You don't and that's alright.
I think about you coming back for our high school reunion holding the hand of your beautiful Mexican wife that you met in Boston, or even Cassidy's hand. I admit that imaging that makes me jealous. Which is completely stupid. I have absolutely no claim to you, but no matter how hard I try I can't talk myself off of this ledge. I didn't see us in the same league. Truly. I haven't liked anyone since the summer because of you. I think about that night and I feel chills inside me in anticipation of feeling that way again. Its stupid and I know it, but I want you so bad. I want you with every fiber of my emotional being. I wish he had left instead of you. You are gorgeous, selfless, spontaneous, and fun and I can't imagine anyone taking the place in my heart that you currently occupy.
I wish you would tell me that either you do or don't have feelings for me. I know I imagine you don't. I mean how could you? You are really into exercising and somehow I look like I've never seen a bike. I'm not fat but I'm not your normal type. I'm not the last with her Asian good looks and her love of basketball. I'm not your first crush with her dark hair and definitely not your first kiss. And I'm not your first love the red haired beauty who stole your heart and broke it into a million pieces. I'm me. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not entirely feminine. I like wearing dresses but I don't have the grace of one of my best friends. I want to share my opinions like a friend I stopped talking to but I'm too much of a people person to do that. I considered myself not in your league, but I loved being invited to hang with you and your friends.
Tell me I'm stupid. Tell me to give it up. Tell me to find someone besides you. But just talk to me. I can imagine you texting me. It would go like this:
H: Hi.
M: Hey. How are you?
H: I'm good. How are you?
M: I'm alright. Just getting used to my new job.
H: What job?
M: I work at REMSA on an ambulance.
H: That's really cool.
M: Yeah I think so.
H: What do you like about it?
M: I like putting aside what I'm worried about and helping someone who needs it.
H: That's kind of you.
M: Yup. What have you been up to in Boston?
H: Same old. My ballroom dancing team made it to the semi-finals.
M: That's great! Did you place?
H: No but my friends Rod and Nicki did. They are really good dancers.
M: Do any of your dances get on YouTube?
H: I don't think so. Why?
M: So all of us here could check it out.
H: Oh.
M: Sorry if that seems weird.
H: It's fine. It sounds like your still saying sorry.
M: Yup all the time. It's what I do best.
H: HaHa. I don't think so, but if you say so.
M: I see your grammar hasn't improved much.
H: What?
M: Oh nothing...I just remember reading your essays in English and thinking that your grammar was the only thing wrong with it.
H: Oh.
M: Don't feel bad. Everybody has a different skill. 3/4 of our class couldn't ride the moon buggy the way that you did.
H: I wasn't that great.
M: I heard without you they placed third.
H: Oh. Well, you know I still read your blog right?
M: Umm...what?
H: I still read your blog from high school.
M: Really?
H: Yeah. It's pretty funny.
M: Oh. Which parts?
H: The parts that aren't about me.
M: You read the ones about you? I thought everyone stopped looking at that.
H: Nope. Did you really mean what you said in October's post?
M: This October?
H: Yeah.
M: Yeah. I did.
H: Why didn't you tell me this?
M: Because I was afraid. Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: What were you afraid of?
M: Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: I thought you'd stop writing if I told you. Why didn't you tell me how you felt?
M: Because I thought it was stupid. I didn't think there was anyway you would feel the same.
I never told you what I feel. I was and am afraid to. You are living a life far away from me and meeting incredible people that are probably more interesting than I am. I don't blame you, but I want to spend time with you. I want you to know the truth, even if it makes me sound desperate and stupid and immature.
I don't want to stop thinking about you. That night you showed me something that I didn't even know was there. I had never done most of those things that I had done with you before. Did you take other girls to the Chocolate Bar? Did you normally take other girls driving like that? I can't help but feel special. I also couldn't help the tear that fell down my face today when I was thinking about you. Singing that song, I don't even remember which song it was, all I know is I feel a powerful connection to you. My stomach gets in knots when I think about you too long. I think its from longing to tell you how I feel. I tried the cop out way of doing it, I honestly did. I was told it was stupid but I don't care. I wanted to tell you so bad. I wanted to tell you everything but I was terrified. I don't want to look desperate, but there are nights when nothing goes right and I think of you.
My actions are pathetic. They truly are. You kissed me and I kissed you back. There is nothing to be said besides that. You said it felt right. You didn't say you had feelings for me. You didn't say anything beyond that. Bothering you in Boston is stupid but I can't help imagining what it would be like to be with you. I think about you all the time and I wish you were here so I, ha there it is that fateful I. I don't say I'm in love with you because love would mean wishing your happiness even at the cost of my own. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but I want to be happy too.
I have never felt this way towards anyone else. I want to hope that you had/have feelings for me but I know how far fetched that idea is. You don't and that's alright.
I think about you coming back for our high school reunion holding the hand of your beautiful Mexican wife that you met in Boston, or even Cassidy's hand. I admit that imaging that makes me jealous. Which is completely stupid. I have absolutely no claim to you, but no matter how hard I try I can't talk myself off of this ledge. I didn't see us in the same league. Truly. I haven't liked anyone since the summer because of you. I think about that night and I feel chills inside me in anticipation of feeling that way again. Its stupid and I know it, but I want you so bad. I want you with every fiber of my emotional being. I wish he had left instead of you. You are gorgeous, selfless, spontaneous, and fun and I can't imagine anyone taking the place in my heart that you currently occupy.
I wish you would tell me that either you do or don't have feelings for me. I know I imagine you don't. I mean how could you? You are really into exercising and somehow I look like I've never seen a bike. I'm not fat but I'm not your normal type. I'm not the last with her Asian good looks and her love of basketball. I'm not your first crush with her dark hair and definitely not your first kiss. And I'm not your first love the red haired beauty who stole your heart and broke it into a million pieces. I'm me. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not entirely feminine. I like wearing dresses but I don't have the grace of one of my best friends. I want to share my opinions like a friend I stopped talking to but I'm too much of a people person to do that. I considered myself not in your league, but I loved being invited to hang with you and your friends.
Tell me I'm stupid. Tell me to give it up. Tell me to find someone besides you. But just talk to me. I can imagine you texting me. It would go like this:
H: Hi.
M: Hey. How are you?
H: I'm good. How are you?
M: I'm alright. Just getting used to my new job.
H: What job?
M: I work at REMSA on an ambulance.
H: That's really cool.
M: Yeah I think so.
H: What do you like about it?
M: I like putting aside what I'm worried about and helping someone who needs it.
H: That's kind of you.
M: Yup. What have you been up to in Boston?
H: Same old. My ballroom dancing team made it to the semi-finals.
M: That's great! Did you place?
H: No but my friends Rod and Nicki did. They are really good dancers.
M: Do any of your dances get on YouTube?
H: I don't think so. Why?
M: So all of us here could check it out.
H: Oh.
M: Sorry if that seems weird.
H: It's fine. It sounds like your still saying sorry.
M: Yup all the time. It's what I do best.
H: HaHa. I don't think so, but if you say so.
M: I see your grammar hasn't improved much.
H: What?
M: Oh nothing...I just remember reading your essays in English and thinking that your grammar was the only thing wrong with it.
H: Oh.
M: Don't feel bad. Everybody has a different skill. 3/4 of our class couldn't ride the moon buggy the way that you did.
H: I wasn't that great.
M: I heard without you they placed third.
H: Oh. Well, you know I still read your blog right?
M: Umm...what?
H: I still read your blog from high school.
M: Really?
H: Yeah. It's pretty funny.
M: Oh. Which parts?
H: The parts that aren't about me.
M: You read the ones about you? I thought everyone stopped looking at that.
H: Nope. Did you really mean what you said in October's post?
M: This October?
H: Yeah.
M: Yeah. I did.
H: Why didn't you tell me this?
M: Because I was afraid. Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: What were you afraid of?
M: Why didn't you tell me you still read my blog?
H: I thought you'd stop writing if I told you. Why didn't you tell me how you felt?
M: Because I thought it was stupid. I didn't think there was anyway you would feel the same.
Post 71: The Charm of Monotony
Cheryl lived a regular life. She worked for a small publishing company where nothing bothered her. She worked by herself most days, lived by herself and kept mostly to herself. She lived a life of monotony where she stayed the same person, never growing, never changing. For the past few days I've felt like Cheryl. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm scared of the future because I can't control it. I'm afraid of what and who I'll become. I'm afraid of missing out on life's greatest adventures but afraid to do it. I'm afraid of moving too fast, of telling the truth, ending up alone, dying, being wrong, wasting time, choosing the wrong path, not fitting in, losing in life. It's so uncertain. I can't figure out how to spend my life. I want an instruction manual on how to do life right.
Post 69: Rumors
Why are the people who are being talked about the last to know? On Wednesday, a coworker of mine asked me out to dinner. I don't have any romantic interest in this individual and I really didn't want to, but I like peace in the workplace. Everything was fine until he said something at work. I was fine dealing with his advances and subtly cuing into the fact that I didn't reciprocate them. Two years ago at my work I had a similar experience with a coworker. He asked me out and I said yes even though I didn't like him. I don't do well with work romantic relationships. I have a very high standard of professionalism in the workplace and I don't like airing my personal life for others to see. I'm fine commenting and listening to other's problems, but I don't like it when people know mine. To me, it is a sign of weakness.
My boss approached me and asked about the rumor spreading throughout my work. His advice to me was to be careful, and that I was part of his core group. My coworker hadn't made it into his core group yet. He also told me that he protects his core group like a dad. I love my boss's loyalty, and am so thankful to be surrounded by people that care about me.
My boss approached me and asked about the rumor spreading throughout my work. His advice to me was to be careful, and that I was part of his core group. My coworker hadn't made it into his core group yet. He also told me that he protects his core group like a dad. I love my boss's loyalty, and am so thankful to be surrounded by people that care about me.
Post 66: Saturday Night Live
I would have written a longer post, but I was busy watching Saturday Night Live. I like watching the show because it's like visiting the past with a sadistic filter on the camera.
Post 65: Thinking Again and Phone Call Party
Recently, I have been considering going to medical school. I thought that forcing myself to make a life decision would make me feel better. It did for awhile, but then I went into a pre-I'm-going-to-miss-writing insecurity.
"Hello?"
"Hi Claire. It's Monique. What's up?"
"Hi Monique, is Aidan home?"
"No. He's out. Is there something I can help you with?"
"Yeah actually. Cassie and Blaine have some news they want to share with the family and they want to do it this weekend at my parents house Sunday night at 6:30. Can you guys make it?"
"Well normally we like to reserve Sunday nights for the kids to get ready for school. But if it's for Cassie and Blaine we can make it."
"Oh great. See you then."
"Claire, do you have a minute to talk?"
"Actually, I'm on my way to work. I just wanted to give you as much notice as I could."
"Oh, ok. Well thank you."
"No problem. Bye Monique."
"Bye."
"Hello?"
"Hi Claire. It's Monique. What's up?"
"Hi Monique, is Aidan home?"
"No. He's out. Is there something I can help you with?"
"Yeah actually. Cassie and Blaine have some news they want to share with the family and they want to do it this weekend at my parents house Sunday night at 6:30. Can you guys make it?"
"Well normally we like to reserve Sunday nights for the kids to get ready for school. But if it's for Cassie and Blaine we can make it."
"Oh great. See you then."
"Claire, do you have a minute to talk?"
"Actually, I'm on my way to work. I just wanted to give you as much notice as I could."
"Oh, ok. Well thank you."
"No problem. Bye Monique."
"Bye."
Post 64: Tricky Creatures Flap Intro
Once, when I was younger I had a dream that an angel came to me and offered me one wish. Out of everything I could have asked for, I wanted a glimpse of the boy I would spend the rest of my life with. The angel smiled and showed me an image of a tall man with brown hair wearing a red and blue plaid shirt. I only saw the back of his torso but I felt like that was enough of a hint for me to find him.
Years later, I was still convinced that I would meet my future Mr. by noticing his brown hair, and red and blue plaid shirt. I would be standing behind him and remember the dream. Every time I noticed a guy had one of those three traits, I always took a second look hoping it was him. But, like any destiny changing moment it didn't happen the way I thought it would. My future Mr. wasn't going to be wearing or looking like the dream I had when we first met but when I realized I would be spending the rest of my life with the guy I had fallen in love with. Angels are tricky creatures.
Years later, I was still convinced that I would meet my future Mr. by noticing his brown hair, and red and blue plaid shirt. I would be standing behind him and remember the dream. Every time I noticed a guy had one of those three traits, I always took a second look hoping it was him. But, like any destiny changing moment it didn't happen the way I thought it would. My future Mr. wasn't going to be wearing or looking like the dream I had when we first met but when I realized I would be spending the rest of my life with the guy I had fallen in love with. Angels are tricky creatures.
Post 63: Flashback
I sat in the cold waiting room. The blue painted walls had beautiful pictures of smiling mothers with their children. If I wasn't here for Cassie I probably wouldn't have ever been graced with the absolute pleasure of seeing creepy pictures in this building. Hell, I probably wouldn't have ever stepped foot in the building. But here I was waiting for the sake of my best friend and she didn't even know I was here.
The only other person in the room was a 40 year old woman with a huge pregnant belly. I had heard about the horrors of pregnancy; the vomiting, the stretch marks, not to mention the fact that a tiny parasite would own their host's body for 9 whole months, three-fourths of a year. I couldn't tell how far along the woman was, but she didn't look happy. I wondered how long it would take me to look like that.
Suddenly a door opening pulled my attention away from the woman. A nurse had opened the door between the worlds. "Claire Anderson?" I stood up with my people charming smile and followed her to a back exam room.
This room was less creepy. There were no pictures of "happy" families, but there were diagrams of the male and female reproductive systems. The wall was painted a medical white, and looked similar to a traditional doctors office except with the addition of stirrups to the traditional paper covered exam bench. With each movement the paper crinkled beneath me, and I was reminded why I was doing this.
It wasn't her fault really even if she was the reason I was here. It wasn't her fault that she had gotten leukemia as a teenager. It also wasn't her fault that the cancer treatments had taken away her chance to become a mom. Cassie was an incredible person. She was kind, and compassionate and had all of the goodness that a mother needs to make sure her kids aren't screwed up but none of the uterus. Cassie yearned for a biological child, she had been adopted and wanted a biological connection to another human being. She had an incredible family, and married into another family who loved her but couldn't help want more.
Cassie had married my brother Blaine a few years out of high school. I thought they suffered from high school sweetheart syndrome and would soon breakup, but the truth was they were perfect for each other. I had never seen anybody more in love except my parents. They had it all: a beautiful condo on the river, two dogs they cared about more than anything, nice paying jobs, and two of the biggest hearts in the world. The only thing they needed was a child.
They tried everything. Even put their name in for adoption, but nothing worked. Cassie put her body through hell once to live and did it again to bring another life into the world, but the second time wasn't so successful. Regardless of what they tried, she never became pregnant.
As her best friend, I felt helpless. I was there for Cassie through all of the cancer treatments, I shaved my head when she had to, and nearly got held back a year for spending so much time at the hospital with her. The stuff I did was nothing compared to what she had to suffer through. But now that she was trying to have her own biological child, I felt like I could finally do something.
I was the person who turned her on to surrogacy. I figured that she could finally achieve what she wanted. The idea brought her out of the self imposed depression, and she put all of her energy into the process. Blaine and Cassie went through additional hormone treatments for the extraction, and set everything into motion.
The next road block was funding a surrogate. All of the medical treatments had cost money and now they had to wait to be able to afford another. It was devastating to me to watch my best friend lose hope. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I set my own plan into action.
Cassie and I were always being mistaken for each other in high school, and I used that to my advantage. The only difference was she had freckles and brown hair where me and my brothers had blonde hair. I put on a wig, changed the way I walked and ultimately set everything in motion for me to be their surrogate. The final test was the interview with the doctor who would perform the procedure and monitor me throughout the pregnancy.
I met her on a bright Wednesday morning. I say bright because the sun was beaming and her office was the most white room I could have ever seen. I took a seat and was greeted by her pristine smile.
"Welcome Claire, please have a seat." She held her hand out and I shook it as I took a seat in her, you guessed it: white chairs!
"I'm Dr. Mahone. So, I was going over your application and it appears you have chosen to carry your brother and sister-in-law's baby. That's very noble of you. Why do you want to do this for them?"
"Well Blaine is my older brother and he married my best friend. They are two of the most incredible people I have ever encountered. They have everything they could ask for except a child. Cassie has been through hell to be here and I don't want this to get messed up for them. They need this to go right. Before I could do nothing real to help. I couldn't offer my arm in place of hers. I couldn't lose my hair instead of her or even give her my bone marrow. Finally, I can do something, and I want to do this for them. I won't let some person ruin this for them. They know me, heck we're family. I'm not going to take the baby at the end of this and run. They'll will always be in my life. Blaine and Cassie know exactly what to expect from me, and I wouldn't trust my nephew or niece to be carried by anyone else."
She nodded in understanding. "Your intentions are very noble, but it is important that you realize the extent of what being a surrogate entails. You have passed every preliminary test we require for this procedure. But I want to spend some time talking about your first pregnancy. Were there any complications?"
I had been preparing for this question. Since I had walked into the office and they had called me Cassie, I figured I could get this lie out without detection. "No. I had morning sickness for the first two months but after that calmed down everything was fine."
"And that morning sickness is to be expected. Your record says you gave birth to a baby girl. What does she think of this? Is she ok with her mom getting pregnant again?"
"My daughter Hillary is a little apprehensive but she wants me to help her aunt and uncle. She's a teenager and is afraid of explaining it all to her friends at school. You know, wanting to be enough under the radar not to attract too much attention, but still unique enough that she gets the right kind of attention."
Dr. Mahone chuckled at my little quip. "I understand. My son is a preteen whose favorite word is whatever."
I did the polite societal thing and laughed in agreement. "That was a fun time. Just wait until he starts cussing. Once Hillary thought it was ok, it was incredibly hard to get her to stop."
"Does she live with you?" The doctor asked curiously.
"Yes, unless her dad is home. He travels roughly half of the year so she lives with him when he's here and me when he's not."
"What does he think of you becoming a surrogate for your brother?"
"He doesn't know yet. His phone calls are mainly for Hillary. We still care for each other but as friends. He's always been supportive of my goals and I have no doubt he will feel the same this time."
"That's great. What is your relationship with Hillary's father?"
"We were never married. She was a surprise and we just never took the final step. I've had some serious relationships after we decided to remain friends and nothing else but I'm not in a relationship now."
She paused a moment, looked down at my file and nodded. "Well that makes this process simpler. We have to have the consent of the current partner, but seeing as there is none, that makes it easier." She looked at me and a smile spread across her face. "Well everything seems to be in order. We will set an appointment for next week and get you inseminated. It was nice to meet you Claire."
"It was very nice to meet you too Dr. Mahone. I look forward to our appointment next week."
A week later I sat in the exam room. I smiled when the doctor walked into the room. The procedure took no time at all and I left the office praying that I was pregnant with my brother and best friend's child.
The only other person in the room was a 40 year old woman with a huge pregnant belly. I had heard about the horrors of pregnancy; the vomiting, the stretch marks, not to mention the fact that a tiny parasite would own their host's body for 9 whole months, three-fourths of a year. I couldn't tell how far along the woman was, but she didn't look happy. I wondered how long it would take me to look like that.
Suddenly a door opening pulled my attention away from the woman. A nurse had opened the door between the worlds. "Claire Anderson?" I stood up with my people charming smile and followed her to a back exam room.
This room was less creepy. There were no pictures of "happy" families, but there were diagrams of the male and female reproductive systems. The wall was painted a medical white, and looked similar to a traditional doctors office except with the addition of stirrups to the traditional paper covered exam bench. With each movement the paper crinkled beneath me, and I was reminded why I was doing this.
It wasn't her fault really even if she was the reason I was here. It wasn't her fault that she had gotten leukemia as a teenager. It also wasn't her fault that the cancer treatments had taken away her chance to become a mom. Cassie was an incredible person. She was kind, and compassionate and had all of the goodness that a mother needs to make sure her kids aren't screwed up but none of the uterus. Cassie yearned for a biological child, she had been adopted and wanted a biological connection to another human being. She had an incredible family, and married into another family who loved her but couldn't help want more.
Cassie had married my brother Blaine a few years out of high school. I thought they suffered from high school sweetheart syndrome and would soon breakup, but the truth was they were perfect for each other. I had never seen anybody more in love except my parents. They had it all: a beautiful condo on the river, two dogs they cared about more than anything, nice paying jobs, and two of the biggest hearts in the world. The only thing they needed was a child.
They tried everything. Even put their name in for adoption, but nothing worked. Cassie put her body through hell once to live and did it again to bring another life into the world, but the second time wasn't so successful. Regardless of what they tried, she never became pregnant.
As her best friend, I felt helpless. I was there for Cassie through all of the cancer treatments, I shaved my head when she had to, and nearly got held back a year for spending so much time at the hospital with her. The stuff I did was nothing compared to what she had to suffer through. But now that she was trying to have her own biological child, I felt like I could finally do something.
I was the person who turned her on to surrogacy. I figured that she could finally achieve what she wanted. The idea brought her out of the self imposed depression, and she put all of her energy into the process. Blaine and Cassie went through additional hormone treatments for the extraction, and set everything into motion.
The next road block was funding a surrogate. All of the medical treatments had cost money and now they had to wait to be able to afford another. It was devastating to me to watch my best friend lose hope. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I set my own plan into action.
Cassie and I were always being mistaken for each other in high school, and I used that to my advantage. The only difference was she had freckles and brown hair where me and my brothers had blonde hair. I put on a wig, changed the way I walked and ultimately set everything in motion for me to be their surrogate. The final test was the interview with the doctor who would perform the procedure and monitor me throughout the pregnancy.
I met her on a bright Wednesday morning. I say bright because the sun was beaming and her office was the most white room I could have ever seen. I took a seat and was greeted by her pristine smile.
"Welcome Claire, please have a seat." She held her hand out and I shook it as I took a seat in her, you guessed it: white chairs!
"I'm Dr. Mahone. So, I was going over your application and it appears you have chosen to carry your brother and sister-in-law's baby. That's very noble of you. Why do you want to do this for them?"
"Well Blaine is my older brother and he married my best friend. They are two of the most incredible people I have ever encountered. They have everything they could ask for except a child. Cassie has been through hell to be here and I don't want this to get messed up for them. They need this to go right. Before I could do nothing real to help. I couldn't offer my arm in place of hers. I couldn't lose my hair instead of her or even give her my bone marrow. Finally, I can do something, and I want to do this for them. I won't let some person ruin this for them. They know me, heck we're family. I'm not going to take the baby at the end of this and run. They'll will always be in my life. Blaine and Cassie know exactly what to expect from me, and I wouldn't trust my nephew or niece to be carried by anyone else."
She nodded in understanding. "Your intentions are very noble, but it is important that you realize the extent of what being a surrogate entails. You have passed every preliminary test we require for this procedure. But I want to spend some time talking about your first pregnancy. Were there any complications?"
I had been preparing for this question. Since I had walked into the office and they had called me Cassie, I figured I could get this lie out without detection. "No. I had morning sickness for the first two months but after that calmed down everything was fine."
"And that morning sickness is to be expected. Your record says you gave birth to a baby girl. What does she think of this? Is she ok with her mom getting pregnant again?"
"My daughter Hillary is a little apprehensive but she wants me to help her aunt and uncle. She's a teenager and is afraid of explaining it all to her friends at school. You know, wanting to be enough under the radar not to attract too much attention, but still unique enough that she gets the right kind of attention."
Dr. Mahone chuckled at my little quip. "I understand. My son is a preteen whose favorite word is whatever."
I did the polite societal thing and laughed in agreement. "That was a fun time. Just wait until he starts cussing. Once Hillary thought it was ok, it was incredibly hard to get her to stop."
"Does she live with you?" The doctor asked curiously.
"Yes, unless her dad is home. He travels roughly half of the year so she lives with him when he's here and me when he's not."
"What does he think of you becoming a surrogate for your brother?"
"He doesn't know yet. His phone calls are mainly for Hillary. We still care for each other but as friends. He's always been supportive of my goals and I have no doubt he will feel the same this time."
"That's great. What is your relationship with Hillary's father?"
"We were never married. She was a surprise and we just never took the final step. I've had some serious relationships after we decided to remain friends and nothing else but I'm not in a relationship now."
She paused a moment, looked down at my file and nodded. "Well that makes this process simpler. We have to have the consent of the current partner, but seeing as there is none, that makes it easier." She looked at me and a smile spread across her face. "Well everything seems to be in order. We will set an appointment for next week and get you inseminated. It was nice to meet you Claire."
"It was very nice to meet you too Dr. Mahone. I look forward to our appointment next week."
A week later I sat in the exam room. I smiled when the doctor walked into the room. The procedure took no time at all and I left the office praying that I was pregnant with my brother and best friend's child.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Post 62: Quotes to Save
I'm going to get this done before 1 am! Anyway:
"Mom, I have to do this. If I don't Cassie is never going to get her dream. You don't understand."
"Claire I understand perfectly. You care so much for her but did you ever consider being there to support her instead of taking this drastic step?"
"I can't be happy with myself until I do everything in my power to help her. If this doesn't work then I can support her but I have to try."
_________________________________________________________________________________
"Look I didn't get into a relationship to be any body's mother and I don't expect anyone to be my father. I'm here to be an equal and I'm looking for someone to be my equal."
-Skylar
_________________________________________________________________________________
I always wondered what it was about writing that made people either hate...
_________________________________________________________________________________
He reached out. "Kathleen stop." She turned her head tears gathering in her eyes.
"What Cory?"
"I can't love you when you live in another state. I have to be close to you." He took a step forward and pushed her back against the wall and...
They got married and lived happily ever after with an upside down castle and a cup of pudding.
Looking at my latest creation it's a wonder I want to be a romance writer. For one thing I've only had one boyfriend during eighth grade summer camp; two, I'm still in high school so as a junior there's not much I actually know about romance, three; the farthest I've been is a totally embarassing make out session with a crush that completely crushed me. With everything, I'm probably the least qualified person, and the crap I just wrote if proof of that. I have no idea what is supposed to happen.
As my mom calls me down for breakfast, I put my personal dreams aside and face the hard reality of high school.
I always wondered what it was about writing that made people either hate...
_________________________________________________________________________________
He reached out. "Kathleen stop." She turned her head tears gathering in her eyes.
"What Cory?"
"I can't love you when you live in another state. I have to be close to you." He took a step forward and pushed her back against the wall and...
They got married and lived happily ever after with an upside down castle and a cup of pudding.
Looking at my latest creation it's a wonder I want to be a romance writer. For one thing I've only had one boyfriend during eighth grade summer camp; two, I'm still in high school so as a junior there's not much I actually know about romance, three; the farthest I've been is a totally embarassing make out session with a crush that completely crushed me. With everything, I'm probably the least qualified person, and the crap I just wrote if proof of that. I have no idea what is supposed to happen.
As my mom calls me down for breakfast, I put my personal dreams aside and face the hard reality of high school.
Post 61: ?
We're camping. It's supposed to be an escape but is it sad that all I want to do is isolate myself and write?
Post 60: Awesome!
Whew, post 60 already! These posts are coming out quick. I'm completely uncertain why I have to mention a specific post during these last four days. Perhaps I have to get some acknowledgment for the progress I am making. It is the fourth day in a row I've been posting without stopping. I admit I feel a little bit of pride when I say this. This kind of stuff is especially remarkable for a commitment phobe like me. Congrats self for staying on track!
Post 59: A Couple of Things...
Today I met a couple. Both of the people involved are around my age but they are older than me yet act like they are 14. Let me explain. When we met we waved hands at each other and stood awkwardly until we departed for the water. They immediately pulled ahead of the group of women and wandered off by themselves. I get it, you're dating. That's cool and stuff but you can still be sociable. It is extremely awkward to sit by and not talk to someone because you're part of a couple. I'm not getting off completely Scot free either. I could have spoken up and been more conversational too but a 2 to 1 ratio is quite intimidating.
This isn't the first time I've noticed an awkwardness when I am around a couple and I doubt it will be the last. Yet from this moment on I resign to not be that girlfriend. When I get into a relationship I will continue to be the social butterfly I am today. The only difference is I'll have an additional title to put behind my name.
ABS: daughter, sister, friend, AEMT, college sophomore, sponsor, girlfriend.
Post 58: Secret
I can't stand it. Here I am nearly 3 feet away and I can't keep my mind from going there. What I desire I desire intensely and I impatiently wait for the moment it happens. I can't wait to share the news with the world that I am changed forever. Yet here I sit three feet away from my best friend and she doesn't know. She can't know because if she did she would shy away and wonder about my sanity. We tell each other everything, but I can't tell her my deepest secret. The image that plays in my head as I fall asleep must remain there silently and be kept to myself. It pulls at my heart. I've fought hard to be sure about my feelings and recently I have decided that nothing will hold me back and eventually I will accomplish my goal. It's going to happen but the waiting might just kill me.
Post 57: My Hatred of the Number 57
I really don't like the number 57. I'm a fan of 5's and 7's individually but for some reason once they are combined I can't stand the sight of them. I get a feeling about things sometimes like for example french dip sandwiches. I like all of the parts individually: the bread, cheese, roast beef, and aus juice separately are great, but I hate eating it all together. I have yet to run into a situation in life events like this though. I'm sure it happens especially in relationships. Imagine: a girl and a guy are both incredible individually. They have incredible careers, nice bodies, pleasant personalities, but when they fall in love it ends up being detrimental to both parties. Just like the individual numbers 5 and 7. They are great in their own regards but together is just a mess. I should apologize because neither of the numbers didn't do anything to me but I resent it regardless.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Post 56: 4 Days
4 Days in a Row I've bEen Posting. It feels really good and it makes me wonder if I'm thinking the right thing.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Post 50: Half Way There...
So this is the 50th post, woo hoo! I think it would be more exciting if I had continuously posted up to this. I haven't been consistent, but I can still celebrate that this is half way to my goal.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Post 47: Running Out of Things to Say
This is why I don't like social media. My life isn't that important to update people seven times a day.
Post 46: Explanation Time
If I was reading this blog, I would question why the posts are getting shorter and more frequent. The simple answer is I made myself a promise and am keeping that promise. So for the next two days expect frequent short posts. Until next time...
Post 45: It's Done!
It's finally done! I finished my application and it has been emailed to the employer. Wish me good luck!
Post 44: Hope
Often I try to think about what my future will bring. However I often think about that while I'm sitting on the couch doing nothing. I wonder what the future will look like, and I hope for good things.
Post 43: Woo Hoo!
Post 43! I'm thrilled that for the past two days I have kept to my convictions and completed what I said I would. Now I'm going on day three! Here we go!
Post 49: I Can't Even
I was going to make this post a longer drawn out story, but I've spent too much time reading that I'm too tired to continue. Sorry.
Post 48: Poetry...a thing...?
I'm pretty sure I posted this already, but I'm going to do it again.
I'm abused quite a bit.
On one side I'm thrown into a jam,
On the other against a wall.
I know my job is to provide a way for people and during certain times it's the hardest thing in the world.
Some want me to shut up,
Others want me to open up and reveal what's inside.
I put up a fight for the latter and complain loud enough for everyone to hear.
I want to do things my way but no one listens to what I want.
They just use me.
I see a lot on both sides, but tell no one.
I guess I want things to change, but not drastically.
My life is quite enjoyable as it is.
It's tough to be adoore.
Post 42: Skeletons In The Bathroom
Dinner with Theo was going to be incredible. In the car ride to the restaurant we had enjoyable conversation and gossiped about our classmates. I was most surprised on how much he had changed, but before I could tell him how much I had changed nature had to interrupt. The hostess was walking us to our table, and before we could sit I excused myself to the bathroom. On my way over, a waitress brought out shrimp from the kitchen. Something in the smell sent me to the bathroom faster. I ran into a stall and threw up. I stayed in the stall for a few minutes collecting myself and resisting the urge to call Sonya. It had worked.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Post 41: Reverse Psychology?
A while ago, I started taping the receipts of my fast food purchases on the mirror in my room. I theorized that it would shock me into realizing how much money I was wasting on horrible food. With each new strip of paper I would stop being Ashley and start being a receipt from a fast food place. That didn't really work. Well, maybe it did for awhile but a few days after my mirror was completely covered I stopped caring. I guess it wasn't enough to motivate me. It's a cool theory, but I'm trying something else. I'm going to stop wasting money on useless food and start doing me right.
Post 40: The List
The doorbell rang, the baby cried and my phone vibrated on the counter. "Hilary, can you get the door please?" I smiled down at my nephew as I changed his diaper. I grabbed my phone and ran downstairs.
Send me the minutes from the budget meeting. Another pleasant message from my boss. My niece Hilary stood at the door as I emailed my boss with one hand and balanced my nephew on my hip with the other. I placed Roderik in his playpen and walked to the door.
"How much is it-" I stopped mid sentence. The pizza delivery guy was oddly familiar.
"Claire, is that you?" He asked me smiling.
"Theo...Theo Miller? How are you?" I asked thoroughly surprised. Theo and I had gone to school together. I had a crush on him for two years before we both starting dating.
"Wow. It's been a long time. You look great."
"Thanks. I had no idea you were working at Tony's, we love that place." I smiled at Hilary, remembering to bring her into the conversation.
She rolled her eyes at me. "Yes, we absolutely do. How much is it going to be?" She asked.
"It's on the house." Theo exclaimed and held the pizza box out. Hilary gladly took it and smiled at him.
"No, that's not necessary. Hilary, come back." I called after her. I started to turn to go after her, but Theo grabbed my arm.
"It's ok, I insist." His grasp was comfortable without being too firm. "Besides, if you feel the need to repay me, come out to dinner, we can catch up." His eyes smiled underneath his delivery hat.
His boyish charm from high school hadn't disappeared. Images of Blaine and Sonya came into my head, but I quickly dismissed them. I could both catch up with Theo and keep my promise to the two of them. Catching up with Theo wouldn't lead anywhere. I never backtrack.
Send me the minutes from the budget meeting. Another pleasant message from my boss. My niece Hilary stood at the door as I emailed my boss with one hand and balanced my nephew on my hip with the other. I placed Roderik in his playpen and walked to the door.
"How much is it-" I stopped mid sentence. The pizza delivery guy was oddly familiar.
"Claire, is that you?" He asked me smiling.
"Theo...Theo Miller? How are you?" I asked thoroughly surprised. Theo and I had gone to school together. I had a crush on him for two years before we both starting dating.
"Wow. It's been a long time. You look great."
"Thanks. I had no idea you were working at Tony's, we love that place." I smiled at Hilary, remembering to bring her into the conversation.
She rolled her eyes at me. "Yes, we absolutely do. How much is it going to be?" She asked.
"It's on the house." Theo exclaimed and held the pizza box out. Hilary gladly took it and smiled at him.
"No, that's not necessary. Hilary, come back." I called after her. I started to turn to go after her, but Theo grabbed my arm.
"It's ok, I insist." His grasp was comfortable without being too firm. "Besides, if you feel the need to repay me, come out to dinner, we can catch up." His eyes smiled underneath his delivery hat.
His boyish charm from high school hadn't disappeared. Images of Blaine and Sonya came into my head, but I quickly dismissed them. I could both catch up with Theo and keep my promise to the two of them. Catching up with Theo wouldn't lead anywhere. I never backtrack.
Post 39: A Loveless Marriage
During one of my last posts I spoke of reading Wuthering Heights. I've just finished chapter 14 and I seems miserable HC is a rude guy. I can't wait to see how Catherine and his son are connected. I don't pity I because she quickly got married to a guy who she thought she loved. My dad asked me when my husband was going to appear in my life. I'm not sure of the answer but I am damn sure that I am not going to have a marriage like I. It's not going to happen.
Post 38: Logan
Logan-
I didn't mean to do this to you. Running away wasn't the plan, especially in my current condition. I can't afford to leave someone who would love me forever, but I couldn't stay where I was. I want you to know that I am safe. I can't tell you where I am, only that it has the most beautiful view of the night sky. They want me to go now, but I can't. I have to tell you the truth.
I was afraid, the moment that you asked me to go farther than what I was comfortable made me tuck tail and run. I didn't realize that you would be behind all the way. The fact that you ran after me makes me love you even more. I'm scared now. I'm about to embark on this path by myself and I'm terrified. Inside the cave that is my mind I'm screaming out for you to be here with me, but I made my decision and I can't pull you away from your occupation. If I was selfish I would run back to you in a heart beat.
I wanted this to be long but I'm running out of time. I hope that when you read this you realize that I truly love you and want you. You are the person who gave me the best gift in this world.
He's coming. I must go.
Forever yours,
Nici
I didn't mean to do this to you. Running away wasn't the plan, especially in my current condition. I can't afford to leave someone who would love me forever, but I couldn't stay where I was. I want you to know that I am safe. I can't tell you where I am, only that it has the most beautiful view of the night sky. They want me to go now, but I can't. I have to tell you the truth.
I was afraid, the moment that you asked me to go farther than what I was comfortable made me tuck tail and run. I didn't realize that you would be behind all the way. The fact that you ran after me makes me love you even more. I'm scared now. I'm about to embark on this path by myself and I'm terrified. Inside the cave that is my mind I'm screaming out for you to be here with me, but I made my decision and I can't pull you away from your occupation. If I was selfish I would run back to you in a heart beat.
I wanted this to be long but I'm running out of time. I hope that when you read this you realize that I truly love you and want you. You are the person who gave me the best gift in this world.
He's coming. I must go.
Forever yours,
Nici
Monday, July 27, 2015
Post 37: I Hate Shopping
I'm really not a fan of shopping. The monotonous task of wishing for things you can't have and the mix of people. For the most part people are nice but there is a point and time where people become mean jerks. I just don't like dealing with it all. It might come down to my fatal flaw but for the most part I can't stand it. Today hasn't been so bad but me and my sister have butted heads already. I can tell I'm going shopping by myself for most of my life unless my kids can sleep through a shopping trip.
Post 35: Chin Chin
Today my grandmother told me I was beginning to look like I had a double chin. Although I had seen that in the mirror a few times, it still hurt. I love my grandmother, and she's completely sweet and caring but for awhile she's been after me about my weight. At almost 200 pounds it sucks. I don't do anything but complain when I know I could be so much better than what I am now. I have potential. I also have small wrists and ankles and a history of being a small baby. Those facts make me believe that God is trying to tell me to be smaller than I am. It's stupid but as soon as my grandma mentioned it, I tried to change the subject and tried to change my insecurities. I know a lot of other people hide from their problems, but I don't want to be like the turtle my cousin and sister found: being drug by other people through life. I am taking control of the things I can change and focusing on my own goals. Positive thinking will help me beat my insecurities and the obvious will help me face my current foe: the double chin.
Post 34: Two Murders Two Suspects
April showers bring May flowers, at least, that's what my boss used to say. He was a very cheery guy who liked to usher in each new day with an annoying little quote. I didn't necessarily like working for him, but he was a short guy with gray hair and a nice smile. He was sweet but didn't know how to run a business. You see, I work at a vet hospital. The one with the animals not military heroes, anyway, my boss was pleasant but the workplace was not. It seemed like every three weeks they were firing people because they had not been properly trained. Additionally, the new people were hired to replace the people who weren't doing a good job, yet they were not getting trained either. It was a ridiculous cycle of stupidity. I couldn't handle it forever. You misunderstand me. I know you're thinking that I killed the manager but I didn't. (I just thought about it.) The real person I have to assume took care of her was her lackey Mika. He was really good at kissing her butt, yet there was something terrifying about him. He grew up in Detroit and had that whole "I could kill you" facial expression each time he talked to me. I don't really like talking about it, but a few weeks ago he started walking me to my car and hitting on me. I tried to shut him down and threatened to get a restraining order but he just laughed it off. Each time I threatened him he would back off for a few days and then get right back to it. After three weeks I talked to the police about him. They didn't do anything. Then the manager was murdered. I knew two things right away: either he had killed the manager or he was the perfect red herring to confuse the police. Three days after the funeral he followed me to my car. We were talking about the manager and he forced himself on me. He pressed me firmly against my car and stuck his tongue down my throat. I couldn't handle it. I was afraid that something really bad was going to happen. I warned him, but he laughed and kept going. I did the only thing I could in that situation. I pulled my new concealed weapon out, pointed it at his chest, and pulled the trigger. And that officer is why I had to murder my coworker two weeks after my manager was murdered.
Post 33: Surprise Surprise
I have been reading Wuthering Heights recently. I'm actually proud of myself for doing it. I told myself that I would start reading more classic books. I'm surprised that it is incredibly easy to read. I give it two thumbs way up!
Post 32: Jacie's Scene
When I stepped outside of the restaurant I smelled smoke from a fire. The customary orange twinge to the sky told me it was far away enough away not to cause harm, only breathing discomfort. He was the one who taught me not to fear fire. Arin taught me to love the wind and every October I think of her as it sends chills down my spine. Leo taught me to respect the earth and treat it with kindness. Rainer forced me to trust in myself and to never stop learning. Each of my friends had a unique gift that helped turn me into the person I am today, but Kai was different. I loved Kai in a way I shouldn't. He was my best friends brother. I couldn't help it. He was irresistible once I got past the anger I had for him.
While we were going to school together I couldn't help but love him. The way he was able to send energy where he wanted was incredible. I was fascinated. As soon as his twin approached me on the first day I felt a connection to him. When we died it only grew stronger. Through our extra lessons, a psycho siren, possession, and ultimate doom our connection sustained. I hated him especially during sophomore year but I couldn't shake what we had. Once I had Arin's permission we made it official. I was going to end him and he was going to be my undoing.
While we were going to school together I couldn't help but love him. The way he was able to send energy where he wanted was incredible. I was fascinated. As soon as his twin approached me on the first day I felt a connection to him. When we died it only grew stronger. Through our extra lessons, a psycho siren, possession, and ultimate doom our connection sustained. I hated him especially during sophomore year but I couldn't shake what we had. Once I had Arin's permission we made it official. I was going to end him and he was going to be my undoing.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Post 31: Here's What's Coming
There is a girl named Skyler and a boy named Brant. They go to the same college and are in the same psychology class. Skyler seems to have it all until Brant suspects that Skyler's father is abusing her. He is a drug dealer and attempts to teach her to obey him by using his fists. Whenever she gets hurt she runs to Brant and he falls in love with her. After a particular fight Brant finds Skyler in a ball on the floor. He takes her to the student clinic and is told that he needs to keep better care of her. After Skyler returns to her dorm room she breaks it off with Brant to protect him from getting hurt. Skyler then gets pulled into a deal with her father. The DEA comes in to find her shot and whispering Brant's name. She arrives at the hospital and Brant spends his days visiting her in the ICU. Ten years later she wakes up to find an engagement ring on her finger and this time she doesn't runaway.
Post 30: I'm Not a Perfect Girl (1)
Stories are a retelling of the extraordinary events in a person's life. They are never the every day boring things. A lot of stories start off giving you a background of what the ordinary felt like before they hit you with a curve ball about what makes their story special. Some of you are scratching because you just realized this, and others of you are rolling your eyes because that was obvious. Well, sit tight, I'm getting to the actual story part of it.
It all started when the guy I was romantically interested in stopped talking to me. A week after his nonexistent phone calls and texts I lost my job. I had given them two years of my life and they had given me a paper stating to apply again in another year. On top of that, my part time job had laid me off. With nothing better to do, I wallowed in self pity.
For three weeks, I didn't know what day it was. I didn't leave the house for anything more than food, and I watched everything in my Netflix list. It was a miserable existence. At the end of the third week, my best friend couldn't take it anymore.
Gemma Johnson has never let anyone stop her from doing anything she wanted. At 18 she got a tattoo and her mother screamed. By birth, she's a Gemini and she acts like it. Gemma came knocking on my door that fateful day with a plan and a posse.
The doorbell rang and I relished the chance to open the door in my yoga pants and ugly cleaning shirt. When I saw Gemma, I realized I was in for it. Flanking her on the left and right were my sisters Riley and Mimi. I shuddered on the inside. As the oldest of three girls I aimed to be the best example but that often didn't happen. For a split second, I considered not letting them in but I realized that if I didn't, they would just use the spare key I kept outside and come in anyway. I took a deep breath to prepare myself for the storm that was about to blow into my house. I clicked my door open and stepped back.
Gemma pushed herself through the door with shopping bags from Claire's slung under each arm. Mimi had a long box tucked under one arm and cleaning supplies under another. Riley finished off the bunch with her hair cutting bag slung over one shoulder and another shopping bag from Claire's. The three of them pushed past where I was standing behind the door and plopped all of their belongings on my dining room table. They immediately got to work unloading their items and within a matter of minutes my table was full of clothes and chemicals.
"Hey Monica, will you go out to my car and grab the last two bags? You'll see them in my backseat." Gemma called as she was organizing the pile of clothes.
The way she was acting, one would think that I was helping someone else and not being invaded; but nonetheless I grabbed her keys off the table and walked down to the parking lot.
Her Volvo sat freshly waxed in its semi-permanent spot. The bags she was talking about were oddly hot and smelling of Parmesan cheese and garlic. I took a quick peak inside and my suspicions were quickly confirmed. They had brought me Olive Garden! I smiled on the inside as I walked back into my homey apartment.
I had left the three of them alone for less than two minutes and they had completely transformed my apartment. They had opened all of my windows, tucked all of my clean unfolded laundry into a basket and onto my bed, and thrown away all of my take out boxes and brown bags.
"What's going on?" I asked as I set the bag of goodies on my kitchen counter.
Gemma emerged from my bedroom hallway all hot and heavy. "This is your intervention Monica."
"I don't need an intervention. I don't do drugs." I said calmly and genuinely.
"You don't need to do drugs to have an intervention. My friend Emma's sister was addicted to shopping and she got put on this show to learn to deal with it. She had an intervention and everything. It was really-"
"Ok Riley, you can slow down I get it. What do I need to have an intervention for?" I asked crossing my arms in protest. Riley was a Gemini too. Despite the fact that my best friend was six and a half years older and did not have blond hair and blue eyes like the rest of us, she and Riley could have been twins.
"Your life. Just like your apartment it's a complete mess." Mimi, the quiet Virgo chimed in.
"Look, I know I'm not where I expected to be but that doesn't mean-" I started but was cut off by Gemma.
"Monica, have a seat." This time she wasn't as commanding, and I felt better about listening to her. The four of us each took a different seat, Gemma directly in front of me on the ottoman, and Riley and Mimi to my left and right respectfully in chairs that were across from each other. You could have put a small table in between us, and I was not opposed to calling us the knights of the round table. King Gemma began.
"We are here because we care about you Monica. It's been three weeks since you've done anything, and we're worried about you. Pete was a dick, leading you on like that and then leaving. If I ever see him I'm going to kick him where the sun won't shine, but until that day I'm not letting you waste your time dwelling on the fact that the relationship didn't work. It's stupid, and he's stupid. I didn't want you to get hurt in the first place but now that you did, it's definitely time to do something about it. We came here to get you out of your slump and back on my feet." It was touching that the people that meant the most to me were here to help me, but the truth was I didn't want their help. As a Capricorn I pride myself in being able to tackle things on my own, and the fact that I hadn't yet was embarrassing.
I stood up to lighten the mood. "Oh look, I'm back on my feet. Excellent job. You guys can leave now." I smiled half joking, half hoping they'd listen.
"That's not going to work. Look, we brought all of your favorite things; Italian food, Ryan Reynolds movies, and a few new journals. Plus, we brought things we knew you needed." Mimi explained. "Like a closet organizer, and a quick clean up."
"A new haircut, and nail design. Girl they are a disaster." Riley offered.
"And shopping therapy without the actual shopping part." Gemma finished. The three of them looked at me expecting an answer.
"I think the three of you are incredible. I'm sad that it has come to this but I'm so thankful for you. Sometimes a girl just needs a kick in the pants from her best friends to get herself motivated again." I looked around at the incredible people I was lucky to call my family and wondered what I would ever do without them.
It all started when the guy I was romantically interested in stopped talking to me. A week after his nonexistent phone calls and texts I lost my job. I had given them two years of my life and they had given me a paper stating to apply again in another year. On top of that, my part time job had laid me off. With nothing better to do, I wallowed in self pity.
For three weeks, I didn't know what day it was. I didn't leave the house for anything more than food, and I watched everything in my Netflix list. It was a miserable existence. At the end of the third week, my best friend couldn't take it anymore.
Gemma Johnson has never let anyone stop her from doing anything she wanted. At 18 she got a tattoo and her mother screamed. By birth, she's a Gemini and she acts like it. Gemma came knocking on my door that fateful day with a plan and a posse.
The doorbell rang and I relished the chance to open the door in my yoga pants and ugly cleaning shirt. When I saw Gemma, I realized I was in for it. Flanking her on the left and right were my sisters Riley and Mimi. I shuddered on the inside. As the oldest of three girls I aimed to be the best example but that often didn't happen. For a split second, I considered not letting them in but I realized that if I didn't, they would just use the spare key I kept outside and come in anyway. I took a deep breath to prepare myself for the storm that was about to blow into my house. I clicked my door open and stepped back.
Gemma pushed herself through the door with shopping bags from Claire's slung under each arm. Mimi had a long box tucked under one arm and cleaning supplies under another. Riley finished off the bunch with her hair cutting bag slung over one shoulder and another shopping bag from Claire's. The three of them pushed past where I was standing behind the door and plopped all of their belongings on my dining room table. They immediately got to work unloading their items and within a matter of minutes my table was full of clothes and chemicals.
"Hey Monica, will you go out to my car and grab the last two bags? You'll see them in my backseat." Gemma called as she was organizing the pile of clothes.
The way she was acting, one would think that I was helping someone else and not being invaded; but nonetheless I grabbed her keys off the table and walked down to the parking lot.
Her Volvo sat freshly waxed in its semi-permanent spot. The bags she was talking about were oddly hot and smelling of Parmesan cheese and garlic. I took a quick peak inside and my suspicions were quickly confirmed. They had brought me Olive Garden! I smiled on the inside as I walked back into my homey apartment.
I had left the three of them alone for less than two minutes and they had completely transformed my apartment. They had opened all of my windows, tucked all of my clean unfolded laundry into a basket and onto my bed, and thrown away all of my take out boxes and brown bags.
"What's going on?" I asked as I set the bag of goodies on my kitchen counter.
Gemma emerged from my bedroom hallway all hot and heavy. "This is your intervention Monica."
"I don't need an intervention. I don't do drugs." I said calmly and genuinely.
"You don't need to do drugs to have an intervention. My friend Emma's sister was addicted to shopping and she got put on this show to learn to deal with it. She had an intervention and everything. It was really-"
"Ok Riley, you can slow down I get it. What do I need to have an intervention for?" I asked crossing my arms in protest. Riley was a Gemini too. Despite the fact that my best friend was six and a half years older and did not have blond hair and blue eyes like the rest of us, she and Riley could have been twins.
"Your life. Just like your apartment it's a complete mess." Mimi, the quiet Virgo chimed in.
"Look, I know I'm not where I expected to be but that doesn't mean-" I started but was cut off by Gemma.
"Monica, have a seat." This time she wasn't as commanding, and I felt better about listening to her. The four of us each took a different seat, Gemma directly in front of me on the ottoman, and Riley and Mimi to my left and right respectfully in chairs that were across from each other. You could have put a small table in between us, and I was not opposed to calling us the knights of the round table. King Gemma began.
"We are here because we care about you Monica. It's been three weeks since you've done anything, and we're worried about you. Pete was a dick, leading you on like that and then leaving. If I ever see him I'm going to kick him where the sun won't shine, but until that day I'm not letting you waste your time dwelling on the fact that the relationship didn't work. It's stupid, and he's stupid. I didn't want you to get hurt in the first place but now that you did, it's definitely time to do something about it. We came here to get you out of your slump and back on my feet." It was touching that the people that meant the most to me were here to help me, but the truth was I didn't want their help. As a Capricorn I pride myself in being able to tackle things on my own, and the fact that I hadn't yet was embarrassing.
I stood up to lighten the mood. "Oh look, I'm back on my feet. Excellent job. You guys can leave now." I smiled half joking, half hoping they'd listen.
"That's not going to work. Look, we brought all of your favorite things; Italian food, Ryan Reynolds movies, and a few new journals. Plus, we brought things we knew you needed." Mimi explained. "Like a closet organizer, and a quick clean up."
"A new haircut, and nail design. Girl they are a disaster." Riley offered.
"And shopping therapy without the actual shopping part." Gemma finished. The three of them looked at me expecting an answer.
"I think the three of you are incredible. I'm sad that it has come to this but I'm so thankful for you. Sometimes a girl just needs a kick in the pants from her best friends to get herself motivated again." I looked around at the incredible people I was lucky to call my family and wondered what I would ever do without them.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Post 29: Safe Orange
I was in high school and arrested. I couldn't finish my senior year because I wasn't myself. I was owned by someone else. I saw Mrs. Mahr again and Hoyt, but it was like a shadow of my actual senior year. Sometime later I was being chased by a man again. This time he chased me through a casino. I changed my hair and stuffed something up my shirt to change my appearance. I snuck through a jewelry store and ended up hiding with security. Then I walked outside to the parking lot and barely escaped him. I met up with my parents and sister. Then I hid in the basement of the hospital still attempting to hide from him.
I don't know why I've been dreaming about a guy chasing me. It's terrifying, yet somehow thrilling. Hopefully it means good things...
I don't know why I've been dreaming about a guy chasing me. It's terrifying, yet somehow thrilling. Hopefully it means good things...
Post 28: Discipline Is My Destiny
I am a babysitter; a glorified babysitter who takes the opportunity to escape from her tasks. My sister on the other hand doesn't get an option. She is followed around by little kids who request her attention. She is one of the most blunt people and as she nearly tells the kids to jump off a bridge, they continue to pester her. This is the story every time we go camping. As soon as they pull up, the kids are up my sister's butt. Their parents are immature selfish beings who wish only to appear as if they are loving parents. They are stupid assholes who only care about competing. Its stupid.
At 19 years old I am more responsible than these people that pass themselves off as parents. I now have the retrospect to look at their kids and see that mine will not behave like that. They will be disciplined and have healthy limits set on them. They won't bother people in their trailer when they have their own. They will be kind, and polite, and courteous. They'll also know how to take a hint. I wish these kids knew how to take one.
Oh well, wish their sitter luck.
At 19 years old I am more responsible than these people that pass themselves off as parents. I now have the retrospect to look at their kids and see that mine will not behave like that. They will be disciplined and have healthy limits set on them. They won't bother people in their trailer when they have their own. They will be kind, and polite, and courteous. They'll also know how to take a hint. I wish these kids knew how to take one.
Oh well, wish their sitter luck.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Post 27: Shuffle Off This Mortal Coil
My work gives me an excellent opportunity to people watch. For 4-6 hours I sit in an air conditioned office with a door and a window opened to the world around me. Last week while I was watching I noticed the monotony of human life. We spend entire days dedicated to entertaining ourselves with nothing to show for it. We play this game called life and at the end we just shuffle off this mortal coil as if we never existed. I finally understand what Hamlet was talking about.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Post 25: A Look Into the Future
I am 1/4 done with my little challenge. To say that it has been interesting is totally true. I like pressing publish like a really important person. I like knowing that one day these could be read and people could wonder what the hell I'm doing. Oh well. I can't believe I've posted 25 times. I just hope they get better with time.
Post 24: Gone
Last summer when Elle fell for Nate, she got a scar. It was a simple scar from swinging around a tree downtown. It happened while they and their group of friends were seeing a movie. A whimsical moment passed and she was stuck with a scar. She was also stuck on a guy who had feelings for her but wouldn't show them. Throughout the year she spent time thinking about him, wondering how he was doing but too afraid to ask for herself. The scar on her wrist stayed. Finally, they met and Elle learned that Nate had moved on. A few weeks later, Elle learned to. Today she looked for that scar, but couldn't find it. The scar like her feelings for Nate were gone.
Post 22: A Weird Dream
I had a really weird dream tonight. Somehow it started with Duck Dynasty, then I moved into a fancy restaurant where my family was eating dinner. I was given a key and a card. After dinner I ran to the mall because apparently this guy was chasing me. I hid from him in a ladies store. Somehow the dream started again, but everything happened differently. I saw my family having dinner but this time I got to talk to my grandma. Then I started running again and met the owner of the store I had originally hid in. She helped me escape from the man chasing me. We tricked him and I ended up as a gorilla roaring on the top of a waterfall. It was fairly intense, but I don't remember enough or have time to give you a play by play, so that's all you get. Enjoy your own imagination.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Post 19: Honest Surprises
I woke up in a hospital room. The walls, my blankets, and lights were blindingly white. There was a chair in a corner of the room, with a jacket draped over it. A computer was bolted to the wall directly across the room from the chair. A television, a sink, and a set of drawers were the only other things in the room. I was confused. How did I get here? The last thing I remember was falling down the hill and Dominik. Even thinking his name was sending me into a bad mood. I can't believe he would just leave me and let me walk away. That stupid man. Didn't he know that when a woman walks away from a conflict she wants to be followed, at least most of the time. Well, I was going to stop assuming he would get my subtle hints; the things that come from knowing somebody because obviously he didn't know me as well as I thought.
The curtain to my room opened and in popped Dominik. The fire returned to my gut as the anger returned to my chest. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm making sure you're alright."
"Who told you I was here?" I questioned.
"Nobody, I brought you here."
"What?"
"Who else did you expect to be here? We were by ourselves and you stared walking away. I told you I wasn't going to leave you out there alone." Hmm...maybe he wasn't as much of a superficial dick as I thought.
"Ok. Well I guess I should thank you. So, thank you." It wasn't the most heartfelt thank you but at least I said it.
"Not a problem. Next time, can you have a blonde moment closer to the car so I don't have to carry you quite so far?" He teased flirtatiously as he took the only available seat in the room.
Inside I cringed, but outside I continued my tough front. "I don't know if you could call it a blonde moment. Plenty of people trip "
"You are the only person I know who would trip and brake their leg."
I tightened my lips. "Did I really brake my leg?" I stole a glance at my leg which was neatly wrapped in white gauze. Two unmistakable ridges rose above my skin line. That was the first time I noticed a bag of clear liquid hanging behind me, with a line that ended in my hand.
"Yup. The bone snapped clear through the skin. They gave you some pain medication so you wouldn't feel anything."
"Oh." I muttered not entirely comfortable with the idea.
"So...you ran away." Dominik continued after a moment of silence.
"I didn't run away. I stepped away from the conflict so I wouldn't make it worse."
"Why can't you just admit that you were upset?" He asked.
"Fine. I was upset. I've never been completely confident in regards to my body and when you said what you said it made me angry and insecure. Ok, is that what you wanted to hear?" I crossed my arms ready to fly off the handle even with my leg bandaged and not working. "I thought you would want to move forward, not end it because I didn't meet the impossibly high standard of the girl you expect to be with."
"Wow I royally fucked this up." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Aubree, I didn't want to end...I don't want to end this. I was trying to tell you that I think we should start doing more physical activities, I'm sorry you took it that way."
"You don't need to apologize." All my built up anger melted away. "I'm sorry I overreacted. I'm not the best communicator, and I assume way too much. Sometimes it's just hard to believe that we're actually seeing each other."
He looked at me with genuine confusion. "Why is that hard to believe? You are beautiful, strong, smart, and ambitious. Why wouldn't I want to be with you?"
"You are the most attractive guy in our building Dominik. I'm not used to attractive guys like you giving me the kind of attention you do. The fact that you liked me was a complete shock. I guess I'm finally getting used to the idea that this could be real. When you started acting weird I took it as you wanting to end it because I couldn't imagine this going anywhere else."
"Now that your not mad, do you still see this ending?"
I had two choices. I could follow my tradition of being tough and feel in control or change my tactics and be vulnerable. Unfortunately for me vulnerability had always worked better with Dominik. I think he liked being in control too. "I think it depends on how we feel about each other. If we are on the same page than I see this moving forward."
"And if we aren't?" He asked.
"Then we end it I guess. Ok, I've been vulnerable now it's your turn. What do you want to do Dom?"
"I want to move forward. I have the kind of feelings for you that make me want to take care of you. I want to get to know all the nooks and crannies that you haven't let me into yet. I want to kiss you in the rain, on the beach, and around my friends. I want to call you mine and be the only man you see. I want to argue with you over stupid things. I want to make love with you; but first I'd settle with calling you my girlfriend. What do you have to say to that?"
" I say that speech sounds a little rehearsed."
"Well, you would be wrong. I have impeccable improvisation skills. Ok, now speech me." He sat back in the chair with his arms crossed behind his head.
"Why are you saying these things now? Is it because the whole trauma bonding thing?" I asked skeptical.
Inside I cringed, but outside I continued my tough front. "I don't know if you could call it a blonde moment. Plenty of people trip
"You are the only person I know who would trip and brake their leg."
I tightened my lips. "Did I really brake my leg?" I stole a glance at my leg which was neatly wrapped in white gauze. Two unmistakable ridges rose above my skin line. That was the first time I noticed a bag of clear liquid hanging behind me, with a line that ended in my hand.
"Yup. The bone snapped clear through the skin. They gave you some pain medication so you wouldn't feel anything."
"Oh." I muttered not entirely comfortable with the idea.
"So...you ran away." Dominik continued after a moment of silence.
"I didn't run away. I stepped away from the conflict so I wouldn't make it worse."
"Why can't you just admit that you were upset?" He asked.
"Fine. I was upset. I've never been completely confident in regards to my body and when you said what you said it made me angry and insecure. Ok, is that what you wanted to hear?" I crossed my arms ready to fly off the handle even with my leg bandaged and not working. "I thought you would want to move forward, not end it because I didn't meet the impossibly high standard of the girl you expect to be with."
"Wow I royally fucked this up." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Aubree, I didn't want to end...I don't want to end this. I was trying to tell you that I think we should start doing more physical activities, I'm sorry you took it that way."
"You don't need to apologize." All my built up anger melted away. "I'm sorry I overreacted. I'm not the best communicator, and I assume way too much. Sometimes it's just hard to believe that we're actually seeing each other."
He looked at me with genuine confusion. "Why is that hard to believe? You are beautiful, strong, smart, and ambitious. Why wouldn't I want to be with you?"
"You are the most attractive guy in our building Dominik. I'm not used to attractive guys like you giving me the kind of attention you do. The fact that you liked me was a complete shock. I guess I'm finally getting used to the idea that this could be real. When you started acting weird I took it as you wanting to end it because I couldn't imagine this going anywhere else."
"Now that your not mad, do you still see this ending?"
I had two choices. I could follow my tradition of being tough and feel in control or change my tactics and be vulnerable. Unfortunately for me vulnerability had always worked better with Dominik. I think he liked being in control too. "I think it depends on how we feel about each other. If we are on the same page than I see this moving forward."
"And if we aren't?" He asked.
"Then we end it I guess. Ok, I've been vulnerable now it's your turn. What do you want to do Dom?"
"I want to move forward. I have the kind of feelings for you that make me want to take care of you. I want to get to know all the nooks and crannies that you haven't let me into yet. I want to kiss you in the rain, on the beach, and around my friends. I want to call you mine and be the only man you see. I want to argue with you over stupid things. I want to make love with you; but first I'd settle with calling you my girlfriend. What do you have to say to that?"
" I say that speech sounds a little rehearsed."
"Well, you would be wrong. I have impeccable improvisation skills. Ok, now speech me." He sat back in the chair with his arms crossed behind his head.
"Why are you saying these things now? Is it because the whole trauma bonding thing?" I asked skeptical.
"What trauma bonding thing?"
"You know, the phenomenon that occurs when one person in a group experiences trauma around the rest of the group. They bond. And if it's a girl and guy thing then they get a pseudo nightingale 'I want to take care of you' thing."
"Your explanations are interesting but I can say no to the bonding thing. I felt this way for awhile. Plus there's this." He sat up and put his hand behind my ear pulling me into a kiss. It was a soft teasing kiss, the kind where my heart raced after it was over.
"That was great Dom. I'm just used to being everything on my own. I don't...haven't...I'm not used to having somebody there. I wouldn't know how to be your girlfriend."
"I've never been in a relationship with someone like you before. Part of the excitement between us is due to the guesswork that any relationship takes. I'll probably be just as lost as you feel but I'm willing to try if you are. You just have to ask yourself if this is worth it." He intertwined my hand with his. I felt myself blush with the thrill of it.
At that moment, someone knocked on the door jam and pushed back the curtain. "May I come in?"
I nodded and the tall gentleman with surfer boy looks and ironed blue scrubs came to stand at my bedside.
"Hello Aubree. My name is Dr. Fenian and I'll be your surgeon. According to your X-ray you have a fractured tibia. We are going to..." I zoned out as the doctor explained the procedure. The doctor was nice enough but he was using big medical words I didn't understand. "Do you have any questions?" He asked at the end of the scpheel.
There was only one at the forefront of my mind. "Yes, where can my boyfriend wait while I'm in surgey?"
"There's a waiting room on the third floor directly across the hall from your recovery room. Any questions about the procedure?" He asked again.
"No. I trust you." I said simply.
Dominik laughed. "You should take that as a real compliment Dr. Usually she pesters til she's satisfied."
"Well I will than. Thank you. If you need anything feel free to call your nurses. I'll see you in about an hour."
After he left, I looked over at Dominik. "So does that mean I have my answer?" He questioned smiling broadly.
"Well why don't you come over here and kiss me to find out?"
He smiled and pulled my lips to his. "Now that is something I can do."
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Post 17: Noble Gentleman Make Women Fall
"Why are you acting weird. I'm not asking from an insecure place. I'm simply curious. You seem like you want to stop this."
"Do you want the honest or nice answer?"
"Honest." There's a nice answer?
He stopped walking, and turned to face me. "I like girls that are physically fit."
His words hit me like a slap to the face. Physically fit? That was the reason? I couldn't help myself. I laughed at him. I wasn't about to win any body building contests but I wasn't 600 pounds either. I had a few problem areas, but I was proportionate and damn cute. "That sounds completely shallow. Do we not have chemistry?"
"We do, but - "
"Am I easy to talk to?"
"Absolutely, and - "
"Do you enjoy spending time with me?"
"Of course, but - "
"So, let me get this straight, you don't want this thing between us to grow because being seen with me might ruin your image?"
"No, it's not that. Look, physical activity is a large part of my life. Whenever we hang out we don't do anything physical. I can't move forward with someone who doesn't share that with me."
"Really? You think I don't like playing sports and being outside? That's where I get most of my inspiration from. You never suggested anything like that and you've planned the majority of our 'hang outs.'"
"You never said that you were interested in things like that."
"You never asked."
"Aubree, you had to know that this was the way things would end up. I mean you only like me for my body."
"Are you freaking serious? Have you not been listening to a word I said or what I wrote in that damned letter? If I ever gave you the impression that all I wanted was your body, then not only do I owe you an apology but I owe myself one too for wasting my time on you. I understand that your reason could be very valid, and yet I can't help but feel that your making up an excuse for us to stop seeing each other."
He looked at me and I could tell that he was getting upset. Good. Damn him. We stared at each other for a minute before he spoke. His voice was calm and slightly scary.
"I'm not making up an excuse, I'm letting you know how I feel. I don't think that we are right for each other."
"Well that's fine. You can take your feelings and your convictions in your fancy car and drive away. This isn't working for either of us and it's better that we part ways here."
"I'm not going to do that."
"Why not? I'm perfectly capable getting home by myself."
"I'm not about to leave you in the middle of nowhere. I would feel responsible if something happened to you."
"Oh how noble." I wanted to think of something better to say but nothing quickly came to mind, so I turned around and started walking down the hill.
I heard Dominik call out to me. "You can't seriously walk home from here."
"Watch me." I snapped back at him without turning my head.
The ground was soft beneath my feet and my stick thin heels continued to stick into the ground with each step. My attempt at a confident storm off was turning into an awkward shuffle. Not the image I was hoping to leave. I heard a car door shut behind me. So much for a noble gentleman. He was leaving and I would be all alone. I was too prideful to turn back and go after him. I had spent too much time chasing him, I wasn't about to do it again. That was not going to be the last thought he had of me.
As I reached the crest of the next hill I looked back. His car was still at the spot we had parked. The idea that he was sitting in his car watching me infuriated me more. I turned around fast and my heel stuck in the ground. My foot slipped and I tumbled down the hill.
Every time I touched the ground it hurt. I knew I would have bruises tomorrow. Right before I hit the bottom, I felt something in my leg snap and I yelled in frustration and pain. I landed in an itchy bush.
I sat there for a second before I got the courage to sit up. My right calf was throbbing, and it appeared shiny in the dim light. I reached forward and felt two little bumps. I screamed louder when I realized that those bumps were two ends of my bone and the shiny liquid was blood. The outside of my vision went foggy and I fell back against the ground. The last thing I remember thinking was how much blood freaks me out.
Every time I touched the ground it hurt. I knew I would have bruises tomorrow. Right before I hit the bottom, I felt something in my leg snap and I yelled in frustration and pain. I landed in an itchy bush.
I sat there for a second before I got the courage to sit up. My right calf was throbbing, and it appeared shiny in the dim light. I reached forward and felt two little bumps. I screamed louder when I realized that those bumps were two ends of my bone and the shiny liquid was blood. The outside of my vision went foggy and I fell back against the ground. The last thing I remember thinking was how much blood freaks me out.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Post 20: My Anthem
My best friend is incredible for many reasons, but one of them besides the fact that she puts up with me is her dedication. She's been studying for the ASVAB for a couple of weeks solid. I'm so proud of her. She made a goal and she stuck to it. I want to be like her. So in an effort to do so I've chosen "My Fight Song" to inspire me to be like her and get my life back on track.
Post 18: Aunt Awesome
Tonight I witnessed a spectacle. It was my cousin's graduation party! It should have been an exciting event where family could mingle with her friends and we could all be there to celebrate her. Unfortunately I couldn't stay very long, but I got to stay long enough to have to go into protective family mode.
Trouble was his name. He walked in with a big bouquet of flowers for my aunt and a card for my cousin. My cousin's ex knew how to enter a room. He snuck his way right next to her while her current boyfriend sat there people away. Her friends joked about it but I saw the look in Jake's eyes as his smile went from 60 to 0 in 3 seconds. It wasn't enough that Lane was attractive, he knew it too. That and the ease with which he walked in caught my eye. My cousin Colette hid her face in shame as her mother showed off Lane to anyone who walked in the room. Did Colette's mother acknowledge or brag about Jake? Absolutely not. What happened was completely wrong especially because Lane had dumped my cousin and hard.
In my mind, he shouldn't have been invited. Hell, in most cases where parents are considerate about their children's feelings this wouldn't have happened. But my aunt isn't that person. She's a money hungry person who has outlandish standards and expects to run her children's lives for as long as she's alive. I understand that it's part of her culture, but things like that aren't done in my family. Unless she's behind them. Ok, back to the present.
The camera rolls as Lane is being shown off like a prized pug and Colette hides her face in shame. My aunt calls for me to meet Lane. I'm infuriated with the fact that my aunt is torturing Colette again. I'm gonna meet Lane all right.
I walk straight up to the table and sit my assertive butt down in the chair right next to him. He's eating, but the loyal person I am I don't care. I shove my hand right in his face and introduce myself. His conversation skills were alright and I felt confident as a Capricorn as I talked to him. I didn't care what I Said to him but I am certain I left him with the impression that him being at the party was improper. I was told he left a few minutes after I did.
So, I would like to thank my Incredible Aunt for the opportunity to be a complete bitch to somebody. The experience was thoroughly enjoyable. That's what happens in my family. We stick our reputations out for one another because we care. I just wish my aunt would care more about Colette than she does about herself.
Post 15: Ruling Planet-Desire
"Ok, here's what's going to happen. Tonight I'm going to take you out. We're going to have a great time and by the end of the night we're going to find a more romantic spot to make out than your car. Afterwards, we will see where the night takes us." He stared at me like I had changed from a caterpillar to a butterfly before his eyes. I could see it in the shock of his gaze. Gone was the meek woman who folded to his whim. Today Ms. Independent and Commanding had arrived in her place. She was the confident in charge type who wouldn't take no for an answer.
"It looks like I don't have much of a choice here." He laughed charmingly. "Where are we going?"
"Get in. You'll find out." I felt so in charge, completely in control. As I gripped the steering wheel I felt a rush. There was a first time for everything.
"Are you feeling alright?" He asked in pseudo concern.
"I'm great. Why?"
"I've never seen you like this. It's hot." He chuckled again. "I didn't think you had this in you."
"That won't be the last time you say that tonight." I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye.
"How often does this side of you come out to play?" He asked and like always, this questions weighed more than it appeared.
"Every so often."
"Why now?"
I had planned on him asking me that, and the answer was simple. "Because I decided so."
"It looks like I don't have much of a choice here." He laughed charmingly. "Where are we going?"
"Get in. You'll find out." I felt so in charge, completely in control. As I gripped the steering wheel I felt a rush. There was a first time for everything.
"Are you feeling alright?" He asked in pseudo concern.
"I'm great. Why?"
"I've never seen you like this. It's hot." He chuckled again. "I didn't think you had this in you."
"That won't be the last time you say that tonight." I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye.
"How often does this side of you come out to play?" He asked and like always, this questions weighed more than it appeared.
"Every so often."
"Why now?"
I had planned on him asking me that, and the answer was simple. "Because I decided so."
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Post 14: Man in the Mirror
Michael Jackson has a way of turning on feelings with a song. He like many other artists have this secret skill. I spent my day binge watching Orange is the New Black. That's pretty lame. I mean I painted my nails something fabulous and made tasty meatball sandwiches, and mowed the lawn, but I basically lounged around all day. That's like a mini commercial for my life. I didn't leave the house today and I guess that's ok sometimes. I could probably claim that I needed the day, that I deserved it, but hell if we got everything we deserve life would be much different. Some people suffer their entire lives, they fight and climb like hell only to end up in the same place they were in before they started. Others have a pretty blessed life who create their own drama because they are bored with their own pathetic lives. I know which category I feel like I belong in, but it's different for everyone.
On another note, each day that passes without contact from him makes me both angry and accepting. I accept the fact that life turned out how it should and my life is sucking. At this point, I need to stop avoiding and deal with it.
Although the future make look bleak, I still have the light of Zumba. That's really when I get to look at the man in the mirror.
On another note, each day that passes without contact from him makes me both angry and accepting. I accept the fact that life turned out how it should and my life is sucking. At this point, I need to stop avoiding and deal with it.
Although the future make look bleak, I still have the light of Zumba. That's really when I get to look at the man in the mirror.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Post 13: It Happened!
For a long time I have wanted to experience the runner's high. Where you push yourself hard and don't feel like you're working out anymore. I tried running. It didn't work. Let's just say that girls like me shouldn't run. We are built more for activities like swimming or dancing. Anyway, tonight I finally felt it, or something like it.
One of my best friends and I have been going to Zumba together. I love dancing, and my family doesn't. I like shaking my stuff to great songs, and I won't lie, I Wanna Dance With Somebody was written for me. Anyway, Zumba is exhilarating. The first half hour I fell like shit and I wonder when the torture will stop. Once the second half started, the time passed faster than I had ever anticipated. I started having fun with it and singing along to the songs we dance to. It was fun. The old cheerleader part of me took over and I started counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. After I stopped worrying about getting the dance absolutely right it was easier. Plus I ended the class smiling. Is that supposed to happen? I don't know but it was great. I'm really thrilled that my friend pushed me to do this. It may turn my face as red as a raspberry, and make me feel super white, but I love it. I found my "thing" now I don't have to get high on life, I can get high on Zumba.
One of my best friends and I have been going to Zumba together. I love dancing, and my family doesn't. I like shaking my stuff to great songs, and I won't lie, I Wanna Dance With Somebody was written for me. Anyway, Zumba is exhilarating. The first half hour I fell like shit and I wonder when the torture will stop. Once the second half started, the time passed faster than I had ever anticipated. I started having fun with it and singing along to the songs we dance to. It was fun. The old cheerleader part of me took over and I started counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. After I stopped worrying about getting the dance absolutely right it was easier. Plus I ended the class smiling. Is that supposed to happen? I don't know but it was great. I'm really thrilled that my friend pushed me to do this. It may turn my face as red as a raspberry, and make me feel super white, but I love it. I found my "thing" now I don't have to get high on life, I can get high on Zumba.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Post 12: Finally Caught Up!
This is the post that will get me all caught up. I've noticed that the vast majority of my posts are about guys. I am going to stop fixating on something I have no control over. I will be taken seriously as a writer and I refuse to use my precious words to waste time again. No fixation. I'm happy without them. I'm happy and secure without them. I'm happy, secure, and free without them. I'm happy, secure, free, and me without them. I don't need a guy to be happy or complete. In fact, I'm going to take myself out and treat myself to a very nice movie. I'm really going to enjoy it. I'm happy without them. I'm happy and secure without them. I'm happy and secure and free without them. I'm happy, secure, free, and me without them.
Post 11: Boy Free Summer
My best friend and I have decided to do something this summer. In order to get my mind off of a no win situation she has encouraged me to take control of one area in my life. She's an incredible person and she's also joining me. We have decided to stop focusing on boys this summer. Three whole months with absolutely no romantic interests. So far it has been difficult. I realized that when things aren't working I try to latch onto hopes and dreams of a guy that can solve all of my problems. Sorry but he doesn't exist. I need to train myself to solve my own problems and become my own person. I haven't needed a guy physically and now I am focusing on being my own person mentally. Do I long for a moment when I can call someone my boyfriend, hold hands when walking, and kiss passionately in the rain? Hell yeah! But my life requires my attention right now and I can't waste any precious time focusing on them. Especially when it's not going to happen. If you fixate too closeup on what you think you want you'll just be staring at an ad. Plus, the more people who don't focus on it end up getting a relationship. But oh well. I am an independent woman who doesn't need to fixate on a man/boy to be happy. I'm happy without them. I'm happy and secure without them. I'm happy, secure and free without them. I'm happy, secure, free, and me without them.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Post 10: Baggage
Have you ever written topless before? It's a strange feeling, and I'm positive more disorienting for the male counterparts that walk around on the earth. This is what happens when you are behind, tired, and suffer from perpetually dry skin. Oh well, I guess that makes me interesting...
Recently, I have been watching the show "Baggage" on GSN. As my friend says, it's a train wreck, but a funny train wreck at that. Jerry Springer is the host and is quite funny. The interesting thing he does is a funny bow when he says "Baggage."
If I were to be a contestant searching for a date on that show, I would have the following baggage: (I have decided to express these characteristics/history in pictures. I'm not ready to reveal these kinds of things to the world.
Bag #1:
Bag #2:
Bag #3:
Good Luck Trying To Figure That Out...!
Monday, June 8, 2015
Post 9: New Beginnings
I started a story last week. It's about keeping things between me myself and I, so you won't be hearing about it tonight. Sorry.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Post 8: Dear Ones
I just posted my gratitude to my best friend, but I feel compelled to speak tonight about Kelsi and Richard. Kelsi was the daughter of my mother's friend. In her 20's she in a hit and run accident and died on scene. It's unfortunate that you had to leave us that way. I didn't speak to you much but you carried yourself with such grace and confidence that I looked up to you. Your family obviously loved you and I know that they will miss you as long as they are alive.
Richard was a neighbor and friend to my grandma. They were close in age and he had several stories to share. I also didn't speak to you much, but I know that my grandma really enjoyed your visits. It was nice for her to have a friend so close. I know she is going to miss you. She'll be in pain for a while. You were one of the last of her friends still alive.
My mother is distraught tonight. I think she's worried that she could lose one of her children, or the fact that her friend lost her daughter. It's not supposed to go like that. Parents are supposed to be buried by their children, not the other way around. My mother says that death comes in threes and warned my sister and me to be careful. Death is a part of life but it's terrifying. I hope that everyone remains safe and sound and alive. For those that have already left us, I hope your journey home is calm and worth it in the end.
Richard was a neighbor and friend to my grandma. They were close in age and he had several stories to share. I also didn't speak to you much, but I know that my grandma really enjoyed your visits. It was nice for her to have a friend so close. I know she is going to miss you. She'll be in pain for a while. You were one of the last of her friends still alive.
My mother is distraught tonight. I think she's worried that she could lose one of her children, or the fact that her friend lost her daughter. It's not supposed to go like that. Parents are supposed to be buried by their children, not the other way around. My mother says that death comes in threes and warned my sister and me to be careful. Death is a part of life but it's terrifying. I hope that everyone remains safe and sound and alive. For those that have already left us, I hope your journey home is calm and worth it in the end.
Post 7: My Life Solved
If you have been paying attention the last few days then you will be well aware that this week has been rough. Because I like to torture myself I kept my problems to myself instead of telling my best friend. I know it was stupid but it was embarrassing and I thought I could deal with it on my own. I couldn't. In fact I needed her to push my butt into gear. Luckily, she's been through this before and she knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. I don't want to be a bump on a log person who does nothing and is a burden to her parents. I want to do something with my life. I'm finding out who I am and who I'm willing to become.
To make my dreams a reality, I need to focus on three things: happiness, health, and money. Don't blame me if that was Pinterest inspired. To be happy I will continue writing because things make sense here. I get writing. Stressful and annoying but mind clearing is what writing is to me. But as much as I want to do whatever I want with no consequences, I can't. I need to apply myself to a career that I can work in and make money. I need something to support me, and I don't plan on marrying rich. I know exactly what I am going to do. So this post is mostly in effort to thank my best friend for being there when I needed her. I'm not a big fan of putting a person's name in my post, but Sierra, you are a rockstar. Thank you. :-)
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Post 5: The Uncertain Future
A great selection is playing on the radio right now. I wanted to mention that because it almost never happens. I met with an academic advisor today regarding my line up for next fall. According to her, I'll have to replace all of my classes from last year. According to my bank account and current life standing, I can't afford it. My life is super shitty right now, but I need to get over it. It doesn't matter how far down I get as long as I can rise above it. Right? This is the part where someone is supposed to encourage me to get back up on my feet, I find the perfect job that I'll eventually love and I put my nose to the grindstone in a fancy video montage.
That's not going to happen. Life sucks and I need to realize it. But like I said it will get better. I just wish it would happen sooner.
If I didn't have enough to focus on, I'm stuck on what to do. I'm going to talk to my aunt tomorrow and hopefully that will help. Caps aren't very good with vulnerability but she'll understand. She gets me.
If the answer is what I think it is, I'm going to 1. Congratulate myself on my power of prediction and 2. Get upset. Why do people have to do that? Why do they have to take something so beautiful, even if it's flawed and change it, and make everything change?
I was fine being trapped in my fantasy land. Yes, I suffered but I was happier than I am now feeling like I'm behind the glass watching the other people. Shit, I want to say something. Right now I am in the mood to be angry and say everything, but I can't. At least right now. I spend the vast majority of my time worrying about other people and bothering them. Damn it! Why? That's what I want to know. My requests were not difficult. Was it so hard to give me what I wanted? In this case I would have preferred a hand out. If I say anything then it's going against the point. Why did he do it? Why did he have to? Why did I torture myself by getting the ball rolling? Why?!?!?!?!? Why the hell am I focusing on this stupid shit when I have the rest of my life to pull together?
I want to sit and have a girl night and for the first time cry about this. I want to sit in public or in a living room and cry my freaking feelings out. I hate this shit. It's stupid and annoying and a waste of my time. And probably a waste of a blog post.
For the nobody that reads this stupid things, I'm not continuing my story I started. At least not tonight. I'm too mad to do that. I don't want to waste time on something that won't happen and isn't practical. If he wants to talk to me dammit he'll contact me.
He won't because: we weren't that close when it would have made a difference, I'm nothing to him, limited time warranty, guilt factor, lack of conversational chemistry and his own ability to get whoever whenever.
He could because: he likes to have fun. That's it. That is the only reason.
Am I focusing on this so I avoid my own problems? I like going to sleep with the idea that someone could have those feelings for me. I like the idea. I would so much rather have a freaking fight and hear him saying the truth behind the mask than this eternal guessing game. I guess that's a reason we won't work. Both he and I don't like to share.
That's not going to happen. Life sucks and I need to realize it. But like I said it will get better. I just wish it would happen sooner.
If I didn't have enough to focus on, I'm stuck on what to do. I'm going to talk to my aunt tomorrow and hopefully that will help. Caps aren't very good with vulnerability but she'll understand. She gets me.
If the answer is what I think it is, I'm going to 1. Congratulate myself on my power of prediction and 2. Get upset. Why do people have to do that? Why do they have to take something so beautiful, even if it's flawed and change it, and make everything change?
I was fine being trapped in my fantasy land. Yes, I suffered but I was happier than I am now feeling like I'm behind the glass watching the other people. Shit, I want to say something. Right now I am in the mood to be angry and say everything, but I can't. At least right now. I spend the vast majority of my time worrying about other people and bothering them. Damn it! Why? That's what I want to know. My requests were not difficult. Was it so hard to give me what I wanted? In this case I would have preferred a hand out. If I say anything then it's going against the point. Why did he do it? Why did he have to? Why did I torture myself by getting the ball rolling? Why?!?!?!?!? Why the hell am I focusing on this stupid shit when I have the rest of my life to pull together?
I want to sit and have a girl night and for the first time cry about this. I want to sit in public or in a living room and cry my freaking feelings out. I hate this shit. It's stupid and annoying and a waste of my time. And probably a waste of a blog post.
For the nobody that reads this stupid things, I'm not continuing my story I started. At least not tonight. I'm too mad to do that. I don't want to waste time on something that won't happen and isn't practical. If he wants to talk to me dammit he'll contact me.
He won't because: we weren't that close when it would have made a difference, I'm nothing to him, limited time warranty, guilt factor, lack of conversational chemistry and his own ability to get whoever whenever.
He could because: he likes to have fun. That's it. That is the only reason.
Am I focusing on this so I avoid my own problems? I like going to sleep with the idea that someone could have those feelings for me. I like the idea. I would so much rather have a freaking fight and hear him saying the truth behind the mask than this eternal guessing game. I guess that's a reason we won't work. Both he and I don't like to share.
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